Circumstances
I've had problems with my emotions for a long time.
My Mother once asked me what had changed. She said that when I was a young boy, I was very happy and eager and excitable, but then I stopped being that way.
I'm not entirely sure. I think part of it was that every time I got into a social situation with people my age, I spent a lot of time being mocked and picked on, which encouraged me to shut down to avoid drawing attention. I also know that as my brain kicked into analysis more and more, it became easier and easier to think about things, and more and more difficult to know how to feel about them.
I also know that I have always tied feeling loved very closely to affection. Sensation has always been very important, sound, input...I get overwhelmed in large crowds because there's too much going on, I can't go to sleep until there's no ambient light and no sound (which is why I wear earplugs), I can't eat a lot of foods because of very slight flavors or textures. I have a lot of sensitivity issues.
I've also suffered from depression and a sense of isolation since I was a teenager. I found it very difficult to connect to people, to be comforted by them, to interact with them. The only times I felt good about people was if I was having a conversation where we both understood the subject material and could really connect on it, or with physical intimacy (sex, etc.)
I got married partially because I wanted to be able to have sex, because I wanted to be wanted and needed, because I wanted to feel. I always wanted to be known, and have somebody I could talk to.
I have wound up married to somebody who I mostly can't talk to about the things that really concern me, and who doesn't want sex or physical intimacy. I have had to give up on being happy, on feeling loved, on feeling comforted or needed.
Something I have observed is that women (especially wives) feel loved and wanted and needed when their husbands sacrifice for them, when they work around the house and take care of things for their wives, when they remember their wives and pay attention to them.
But making your wife feel wanted and loved won't make them want to have sex with you. It might make them willing to have sex with you when they don't want to.
But women, in many cases, also aren't aware that sex with somebody who is just doing it for you is not great sex, unless you're emotionally blind and only thinking of yourself. Because sex isn't just sensation and getting off, it's connection and mutual desire.
Having sex with somebody because you feel guilty, or because you feel duty bound, is not mutual. It's entirely one sided, and it's pretty awful.
But a lot of wives will insist that husbands should be happy with what they get, and take out the trash more often.
Marriage makes me a little suicidal. It's forever, and it's one sided, and I can't talk to her about it without her feeling guilty and depressed. So there's no benefit to me talking about how awful it makes me feel. It's just this thing.
But Christians talk about marriage about how it's this great relationship and God's will, and mostly it's a permanent roommate who only takes you seriously when your experience coincides with theirs, and it really, really sucks.
And in order not to go around angry and frustrated and wanting to scream all of the time, I have to do breath meditation all of the time and try not to think about it, because it's pointless. It's broken, it's never going to be fixed, it just is.
Hey, I'm not starving to death. Hey, I don't have aids. Hey, I have a job and a house. Everything's great.
But every time somebody tells me that they love me, I want to scream at them. Because when they say that they love me, they feel warm fuzzies.
And I feel empty, and analytical, and angry, and I have to smile and try not to think. Because there's no point to trying to express the things that I can't feel or grapple with. It's just life. And someday, I'll be dead, and that'll be the end of it.
The scary thing? I can say those words, and I feel this low grade anger, and this urge to scream...but it's just normal. I'm not depressed. This isn't a bad day.
This is just how I feel.
All of the time.
My Mother once asked me what had changed. She said that when I was a young boy, I was very happy and eager and excitable, but then I stopped being that way.
I'm not entirely sure. I think part of it was that every time I got into a social situation with people my age, I spent a lot of time being mocked and picked on, which encouraged me to shut down to avoid drawing attention. I also know that as my brain kicked into analysis more and more, it became easier and easier to think about things, and more and more difficult to know how to feel about them.
I also know that I have always tied feeling loved very closely to affection. Sensation has always been very important, sound, input...I get overwhelmed in large crowds because there's too much going on, I can't go to sleep until there's no ambient light and no sound (which is why I wear earplugs), I can't eat a lot of foods because of very slight flavors or textures. I have a lot of sensitivity issues.
I've also suffered from depression and a sense of isolation since I was a teenager. I found it very difficult to connect to people, to be comforted by them, to interact with them. The only times I felt good about people was if I was having a conversation where we both understood the subject material and could really connect on it, or with physical intimacy (sex, etc.)
I got married partially because I wanted to be able to have sex, because I wanted to be wanted and needed, because I wanted to feel. I always wanted to be known, and have somebody I could talk to.
I have wound up married to somebody who I mostly can't talk to about the things that really concern me, and who doesn't want sex or physical intimacy. I have had to give up on being happy, on feeling loved, on feeling comforted or needed.
Something I have observed is that women (especially wives) feel loved and wanted and needed when their husbands sacrifice for them, when they work around the house and take care of things for their wives, when they remember their wives and pay attention to them.
But making your wife feel wanted and loved won't make them want to have sex with you. It might make them willing to have sex with you when they don't want to.
But women, in many cases, also aren't aware that sex with somebody who is just doing it for you is not great sex, unless you're emotionally blind and only thinking of yourself. Because sex isn't just sensation and getting off, it's connection and mutual desire.
Having sex with somebody because you feel guilty, or because you feel duty bound, is not mutual. It's entirely one sided, and it's pretty awful.
But a lot of wives will insist that husbands should be happy with what they get, and take out the trash more often.
Marriage makes me a little suicidal. It's forever, and it's one sided, and I can't talk to her about it without her feeling guilty and depressed. So there's no benefit to me talking about how awful it makes me feel. It's just this thing.
But Christians talk about marriage about how it's this great relationship and God's will, and mostly it's a permanent roommate who only takes you seriously when your experience coincides with theirs, and it really, really sucks.
And in order not to go around angry and frustrated and wanting to scream all of the time, I have to do breath meditation all of the time and try not to think about it, because it's pointless. It's broken, it's never going to be fixed, it just is.
Hey, I'm not starving to death. Hey, I don't have aids. Hey, I have a job and a house. Everything's great.
But every time somebody tells me that they love me, I want to scream at them. Because when they say that they love me, they feel warm fuzzies.
And I feel empty, and analytical, and angry, and I have to smile and try not to think. Because there's no point to trying to express the things that I can't feel or grapple with. It's just life. And someday, I'll be dead, and that'll be the end of it.
The scary thing? I can say those words, and I feel this low grade anger, and this urge to scream...but it's just normal. I'm not depressed. This isn't a bad day.
This is just how I feel.
All of the time.