Mike Davis on...the Southern Jersey-bot
MIKE DAVIS on...the Southern Jersey-bot
I live in New Jersey. Jersey repre-fucking-sent. More specifically, I live in central Jersey. OB repre-fucking-sent. So, it'd be nice (yet horribly violent and unhabitable by normal people) if I was in Old Bridge High School. As I walked down the halls, besides hearing the cries of the wounded, I'd probably hear a lot of "OMG! PUNX!" and "I'm-a cap you, fucka!" and a great variety of things due to its immense diversity. And two campuses. And more kids than an Irish woman can give birth to.
However, as all of you know, that is not the case. I go to a school in southern Jersey. People who live near there call it central Jersey. But it's much too calm. Anyway, back to the subject on hand **looks at subject**. Right. As I walk down the hallways and up and down the five floors of Red Bank Catholic High School, I only ever hear the same thing.
SAME.EXACT.THING.
These southerners, ya see, they seem to only be interested in one or more of the following subjects.
SURFING
BEACH
ALCOHOL
First of all, let's look at "surfing." SOUTHERN JERSEY RULE NUMBER ONE: Thou shalt always consider thyself a surfer, and behave accordingly. This is a constant thing prevalent among these kids. They're all ready to go out and catch the next big wave as it hits...New Jersey. And they're all psyched for the summer...in New Jersey. And they can't wait to go surfing...in New Jersey. Notice a similarity here? WE LIVE IN NEW-FUCKING-JERSEY! Go pollute the atmosphere! Drop a body in a lake! Make movies about convenience store clerks! Write songs about riding a motorcycle! It's next-to-impossible for you to go surfing! That's the problem! A great majority of these people only THINK they're surfers. They say they're going surfing when really, they're just looking forward to rules two and three.
SOUTHERN JERSEY RULE NUMBER TWO: Thou shalt spend all thy day talking about the beach, and waste all life away on it. Alright, the beach can be fun at times. Shit, I have a beach house that costs more than me. Actually, that may give you the impression it costs about five cents. So, it costs more than a stick of Bazooka! gum. But, it seems that these kids find themselves too…hmmm…superior to live in good ol’ human houses. No, they have to make themselves feel cool by spending their days in the sand complaining about their ridiculously obvious, though claimed to be nonexistent, social lives, and whining about how they’re such losers and so poor. Yet they go to a catholic school, and get their kicks thinking they’re surfers and acting like loud, obnoxious assholes. Yes, I know that last point described myself. Fuck off.
SOUTHERN JERSEY RULE NUMBER THREE: Thou shalt drink away thy time and life rather than spending it constructively. Before anybody says anything…Yes, I know I define this rule (the not doing anything part, not the drinking part). Yes, I know I am the embodiment of laziness. Fuck you. Okay? Moving on…The other thing that you’ll always hear coming out of the mouths of southern Jersey folk is the constant mention or concern of alcohol. I’ll be in Driver’s Ed-the class that shows you WHY you don’t drink (and drive)-and there’s Mary Jane Rottencrotch’s Slut Brigade going off about Grey Goose this and Bacardi that. I’ll stop on the alcohol issue here, cause most of you know my rather stubborn views on it.
And there’s one more thing that these southern Jersey kids are always saying that REALLY pisses me off. It was what this edition of "Mike Davis on…" was going to originally be about. These kids have a really annoying habit of saying the same exact thing when they agree with you. They always say "Yeah, it is." Now, not only do they ALWAYS say this when they agree. They say the "YEAH" so loud you can hear them if you’re in the library and they’re blowing Johnny O’Macflanagan in the Nurse’s office. So, what you get sounds something like this.
YEAH,it is
And this is the only response you get. Rather than using big-kid phrases like "I concur," "I agree," or even for an ugly change of pace, "True," you always get YEAH,it is.
Thus, my friends, when you talk to somebody from southern Jersey, you encounter what I like to call the Southern Jersey-bot. Here’s an excerpt from a conversation one might have:
Guy from Old Bridge: Why, hello there? How are you doing on this lovely evening?
Southern Jersey-Bot: Bzzzzzz….SOUTH.ERN. JERSEEE BOT. VERSION TWO-POINT-OH. I LIKE SURFING. SURFING SURFING SURFING.
Guy from Old Bridge: Oh, really, you’re goin’ surfing? That’s cool. What kind of board do you have?
Southern Jersey-Bot: …Bzzzzzz….UNABLE. TO. ANSWER. SEARCH. KEY= "SURFBOARD." RESULTS. ZERO. DATABASE "SURFBOARD" EMPTY. THAT. DOESNOT. COM. PUTE. ERROR01010101110110000110110111.
Guy from Old Bridge: Whoa, there! No need to get offended? So where are you going surfing?
Southern Jersey-Bot: BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH FOR SURFING. SURFING SURFING SURFING. SURF. WAVES. SURFING.
Guy from Old Bridge: You know, buddy, you’re starting to act like you’re a bit on the tipsy side!
Southern Jersey-Bot: ALCOHOL. BOT LIKE BEER. DRUNK-BOT. WASTEDDDDDDDD ON BEACH. BACARDI v3.0. ALCOHOL AT PARTY. PARTY. ON BEACH. ALCOHOL. GET DRUNK. AT PARTY ON BEACH. SURFING. SURFING SURFING SURFING.
Guy from Old Bridge: Sounds like a lot of fun.
Southern Jersey-Bot:YEAH,it is
And now back to your regularly scheduled program.
I live in New Jersey. Jersey repre-fucking-sent. More specifically, I live in central Jersey. OB repre-fucking-sent. So, it'd be nice (yet horribly violent and unhabitable by normal people) if I was in Old Bridge High School. As I walked down the halls, besides hearing the cries of the wounded, I'd probably hear a lot of "OMG! PUNX!" and "I'm-a cap you, fucka!" and a great variety of things due to its immense diversity. And two campuses. And more kids than an Irish woman can give birth to.
However, as all of you know, that is not the case. I go to a school in southern Jersey. People who live near there call it central Jersey. But it's much too calm. Anyway, back to the subject on hand **looks at subject**. Right. As I walk down the hallways and up and down the five floors of Red Bank Catholic High School, I only ever hear the same thing.
SAME.EXACT.THING.
These southerners, ya see, they seem to only be interested in one or more of the following subjects.
SURFING
BEACH
ALCOHOL
First of all, let's look at "surfing." SOUTHERN JERSEY RULE NUMBER ONE: Thou shalt always consider thyself a surfer, and behave accordingly. This is a constant thing prevalent among these kids. They're all ready to go out and catch the next big wave as it hits...New Jersey. And they're all psyched for the summer...in New Jersey. And they can't wait to go surfing...in New Jersey. Notice a similarity here? WE LIVE IN NEW-FUCKING-JERSEY! Go pollute the atmosphere! Drop a body in a lake! Make movies about convenience store clerks! Write songs about riding a motorcycle! It's next-to-impossible for you to go surfing! That's the problem! A great majority of these people only THINK they're surfers. They say they're going surfing when really, they're just looking forward to rules two and three.
SOUTHERN JERSEY RULE NUMBER TWO: Thou shalt spend all thy day talking about the beach, and waste all life away on it. Alright, the beach can be fun at times. Shit, I have a beach house that costs more than me. Actually, that may give you the impression it costs about five cents. So, it costs more than a stick of Bazooka! gum. But, it seems that these kids find themselves too…hmmm…superior to live in good ol’ human houses. No, they have to make themselves feel cool by spending their days in the sand complaining about their ridiculously obvious, though claimed to be nonexistent, social lives, and whining about how they’re such losers and so poor. Yet they go to a catholic school, and get their kicks thinking they’re surfers and acting like loud, obnoxious assholes. Yes, I know that last point described myself. Fuck off.
SOUTHERN JERSEY RULE NUMBER THREE: Thou shalt drink away thy time and life rather than spending it constructively. Before anybody says anything…Yes, I know I define this rule (the not doing anything part, not the drinking part). Yes, I know I am the embodiment of laziness. Fuck you. Okay? Moving on…The other thing that you’ll always hear coming out of the mouths of southern Jersey folk is the constant mention or concern of alcohol. I’ll be in Driver’s Ed-the class that shows you WHY you don’t drink (and drive)-and there’s Mary Jane Rottencrotch’s Slut Brigade going off about Grey Goose this and Bacardi that. I’ll stop on the alcohol issue here, cause most of you know my rather stubborn views on it.
And there’s one more thing that these southern Jersey kids are always saying that REALLY pisses me off. It was what this edition of "Mike Davis on…" was going to originally be about. These kids have a really annoying habit of saying the same exact thing when they agree with you. They always say "Yeah, it is." Now, not only do they ALWAYS say this when they agree. They say the "YEAH" so loud you can hear them if you’re in the library and they’re blowing Johnny O’Macflanagan in the Nurse’s office. So, what you get sounds something like this.
YEAH,it is
And this is the only response you get. Rather than using big-kid phrases like "I concur," "I agree," or even for an ugly change of pace, "True," you always get YEAH,it is.
Thus, my friends, when you talk to somebody from southern Jersey, you encounter what I like to call the Southern Jersey-bot. Here’s an excerpt from a conversation one might have:
Guy from Old Bridge: Why, hello there? How are you doing on this lovely evening?
Southern Jersey-Bot: Bzzzzzz….SOUTH.ERN. JERSEEE BOT. VERSION TWO-POINT-OH. I LIKE SURFING. SURFING SURFING SURFING.
Guy from Old Bridge: Oh, really, you’re goin’ surfing? That’s cool. What kind of board do you have?
Southern Jersey-Bot: …Bzzzzzz….UNABLE. TO. ANSWER. SEARCH. KEY= "SURFBOARD." RESULTS. ZERO. DATABASE "SURFBOARD" EMPTY. THAT. DOESNOT. COM. PUTE. ERROR01010101110110000110110111.
Guy from Old Bridge: Whoa, there! No need to get offended? So where are you going surfing?
Southern Jersey-Bot: BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH. I LIKE BEACH FOR SURFING. SURFING SURFING SURFING. SURF. WAVES. SURFING.
Guy from Old Bridge: You know, buddy, you’re starting to act like you’re a bit on the tipsy side!
Southern Jersey-Bot: ALCOHOL. BOT LIKE BEER. DRUNK-BOT. WASTEDDDDDDDD ON BEACH. BACARDI v3.0. ALCOHOL AT PARTY. PARTY. ON BEACH. ALCOHOL. GET DRUNK. AT PARTY ON BEACH. SURFING. SURFING SURFING SURFING.
Guy from Old Bridge: Sounds like a lot of fun.
Southern Jersey-Bot:YEAH,it is
And now back to your regularly scheduled program.