Regrets ... ?
So a friend posted a lovely blog entry the other day about things in his life that he regrets. It was a really interesting post and it made me think if there is anything in my life that I regret. ... Mmm... Do I really regret anything?
Well, I think I regret some of the things that have happened to me. If that can really be considered regret. Let's face it, I have had a lot of really unfortunate things happen in my life, some of them majorly sucky, like divorce, death, agoraphobia, bullying, rank stupidity, but they are all things that were beyond my control. You can't really regret things that you had no control over. I guess the closest you could come would be to regret the ways you reacted to them. And for the most part I think I reacted as best I could under the circumstances. It's hard to react perfectly when life heaps stupidity and ignorance on you. Yeah, sometimes I didn't handle things as well as I could have, but no one is perfect and to face situation after situation without making a single mistake is not only unrealistic, it's inhuman.
So no, I don't really regret any of the things that have happened to me, nor do I regret the way I reacted to them.
But what about the choices I've made in my life and the decisions I've made consciously? Well. Again I can't say that there's much that I really regret. I could regret a few things, like not breaking up with Brent sooner (*cough*asshole*cough*), but it's really hard to regret something from which you learned a lot of valuable lessons. All of the crappy (and not so crappy) things that have happened in my life and all of the decisions I've made have lead me to the place where I am now, and I really like the place I am now. I want to maybe say that I regret spending so much money on frivolous things, like a Masters degree in Theater, but I don't really. Every dime that I've spent has enriched me in some way, particularly the unused masters degree. Even the growing stack of Bollywood movies I'm building isn't really a waste. So no, I don't regret spending money. Or lending it either. I don't regret moving to all the places I've moved, even though it prevented me from becoming more established and advanced in whatever career I could be said to have. I loved moving around, and if I had the money I would be relocating the second my lease runs out. Fer serious!
OK, if there is one thing that I can even come close to saying I regret about my life it's probably that I didn't spend more time with Mom while she was dying. However, I was in grad school at the time ... with her blessing. Of all the things that Mom ever said to me, the one that impressed itself upon me the most was right before her cancer came back when we were out on a long walk together. She said that I had more adventure in my little finger than she had in her whole body. And I think she loved watching me go out and adventure. So on the one hand, I could have driven home to be with her more often than I did in her last months. But on the other, I know she was proud of me for going out there and pursuing my dreams, and I definitely know that she was happy that I was in the show right as she was dying. And I'm pretty sure she was proud of me for going on stage, singing and dancing, 5 hours after she died too. Plus I know we both firmly believed that death is most certainly not the end of life. We'll have tons of opportunity to spend time together again at some point, without the bonds and constraints of this life. Maybe that will be in Heaven, maybe that will be in our next lifetimes. I'm pretty certain that, if I do believe in reincarnation, and the jury is still out on that one, Mom and I have been together A LOT before and will be after. Predominantly as sisters, actually, but that's another story....
So the long and the short of it is no, I don't regret anything. Not even the short list of things that I'm not willing to talk about in such a public setting. I don't regret that one tiny bit either. It was my choice and I'll stick by it. But on the flip-side, I think it's good, healthy introspection to think about your life to contemplate if there's anything you would change. And it's reassuring to know that I wouldn't change anything. =D
Well, I think I regret some of the things that have happened to me. If that can really be considered regret. Let's face it, I have had a lot of really unfortunate things happen in my life, some of them majorly sucky, like divorce, death, agoraphobia, bullying, rank stupidity, but they are all things that were beyond my control. You can't really regret things that you had no control over. I guess the closest you could come would be to regret the ways you reacted to them. And for the most part I think I reacted as best I could under the circumstances. It's hard to react perfectly when life heaps stupidity and ignorance on you. Yeah, sometimes I didn't handle things as well as I could have, but no one is perfect and to face situation after situation without making a single mistake is not only unrealistic, it's inhuman.
So no, I don't really regret any of the things that have happened to me, nor do I regret the way I reacted to them.
But what about the choices I've made in my life and the decisions I've made consciously? Well. Again I can't say that there's much that I really regret. I could regret a few things, like not breaking up with Brent sooner (*cough*asshole*cough*), but it's really hard to regret something from which you learned a lot of valuable lessons. All of the crappy (and not so crappy) things that have happened in my life and all of the decisions I've made have lead me to the place where I am now, and I really like the place I am now. I want to maybe say that I regret spending so much money on frivolous things, like a Masters degree in Theater, but I don't really. Every dime that I've spent has enriched me in some way, particularly the unused masters degree. Even the growing stack of Bollywood movies I'm building isn't really a waste. So no, I don't regret spending money. Or lending it either. I don't regret moving to all the places I've moved, even though it prevented me from becoming more established and advanced in whatever career I could be said to have. I loved moving around, and if I had the money I would be relocating the second my lease runs out. Fer serious!
OK, if there is one thing that I can even come close to saying I regret about my life it's probably that I didn't spend more time with Mom while she was dying. However, I was in grad school at the time ... with her blessing. Of all the things that Mom ever said to me, the one that impressed itself upon me the most was right before her cancer came back when we were out on a long walk together. She said that I had more adventure in my little finger than she had in her whole body. And I think she loved watching me go out and adventure. So on the one hand, I could have driven home to be with her more often than I did in her last months. But on the other, I know she was proud of me for going out there and pursuing my dreams, and I definitely know that she was happy that I was in the show right as she was dying. And I'm pretty sure she was proud of me for going on stage, singing and dancing, 5 hours after she died too. Plus I know we both firmly believed that death is most certainly not the end of life. We'll have tons of opportunity to spend time together again at some point, without the bonds and constraints of this life. Maybe that will be in Heaven, maybe that will be in our next lifetimes. I'm pretty certain that, if I do believe in reincarnation, and the jury is still out on that one, Mom and I have been together A LOT before and will be after. Predominantly as sisters, actually, but that's another story....
So the long and the short of it is no, I don't regret anything. Not even the short list of things that I'm not willing to talk about in such a public setting. I don't regret that one tiny bit either. It was my choice and I'll stick by it. But on the flip-side, I think it's good, healthy introspection to think about your life to contemplate if there's anything you would change. And it's reassuring to know that I wouldn't change anything. =D