Constant Inconsistency
I had a fascinating conversation with my cousin Kirsten while hanging out in my aunt Martha's pool on Thursday afternoon and it's been sticking with me ever since. Especially since I didn't actually see or hang out with anyone yesterday, which lead me to start having one of my patented existential identity crises. I should know better than to spend an entire day contemplating. Anyhow, Kirsten and I started off talking about some of the things that are going on in Bryn Athyn and the General Church these days. We were talking about it from a generational point of view. She made a comment along the lines of my generation changing their loyalties to ideas and institutions frequently in their lives and "trying things out" but not being deeply attached to any one thing. And I sort of took the next logical step and said that maybe that's why my generation (well, me speaking for my generation) doesn't have the same sort of five-alarm hang-ups about all of the proposed changes and things going on. We're able to deal with change more because we live in a world that is constantly changing.
But I've been thinking about that more and more and there's a lot of something there.
I think it's very true that my generation has lost its anchor. I'm not sure why. I'm trying to look back and see if I can identify some universal events or trends that would apply across the board to all of us. I know that 9/11 was a huge example of something we've always taken for granted, the safety of America, disappearing before our eyes. But that was only 8 years ago. Maybe it was the internet. World's worth of information was suddenly available to us. We had the ability to learn and know more about a variety of different subjects than we have ever had before. So it would seem natural that we would want to sample the buffet of knowledge and change our opinions based on that. And so much information can cause overload. But it has to go deeper than that. To get Swedenborgian about it, information affects the mind, but for a true existential identity crisis to happen something has to affect the will or our loves.
Then I started thinking about my own life and the experiences I have had that lead to me constantly searching, learning, sampling, trying different things on in an attempt to figure out who I really am and where I really belong in this world. As I was talking to Kirsten a thudding realization hit me that I either hadn't considered before or that I filed away in my "I'll think about that tomorrow" pile. We learn consistency from our parents. We learn about what's permanent, about what's stable from our families as our eyes first open and we come to understand what a family is. My childhood, and therefore the rest of my life, was defined by my Dad leaving. Bam. Right there at age 6 I had all of the stability that children are supposed to have destroyed. But of course I knew this already. I know as surely as I know the sun will rise every morning that who I am was defined by the key losses of family members that I suffered through as a child. That's nothing new, although the pain of that will always be fresh. What struck me about the same old story this time was the fact that along with everything else, I think my anchor was snapped at that point. In a way that was good as it allowed my mind to search, to seek, to find all of these brilliant stars of truths out there in the sky of all humanity. I have felt an attachment to the church I was raised in, yes, but more to the truths I was taught as I understand them rather than the organization itself or what any one of the "founding fathers" said. I think Benade was a megalomaniacal nutcase and not a great champion of the early Academy, for example.
But all this drifting and vacillating is a two-edged sword. I crave stability like you wouldn't believe. But I'm not finding it in anything. And I think that's why a part of me is so anxious to get married. I think that part believes that marriage is the closest thing I'll find to stability. Even though most of the evidence in my life contradicts that notion. Still, somewhere deep in my will I'm hanging onto that idea, even though my understanding knows that's not the case. Marriage is a tricky thing. It offers us the best and worst in humanity.
And that's where another level of the epiphany about my generation came to me. My story is not a unique one. I remember reading somewhere that 60% of children in this country today are being raised in single-parent households. Talk about a complete and utter lack of stability. And I would be willing to bet that there isn't a lot of loyalty shown within the contexts of those broken marriages or single mothers. It begs the question, what are we teaching this next generation? I grew up in a comparatively stable environment and here I am with all these issues. It makes me wonder what we're doing to the collective consciousness of our culture. What can we believe in when there is nothing left to hold sacred? Where are we going with this?
I don't have an answer right now. I don't know if I'll have one in my lifetime. All I know is that I would do just about anything for stability and peace of mind.
But I've been thinking about that more and more and there's a lot of something there.
I think it's very true that my generation has lost its anchor. I'm not sure why. I'm trying to look back and see if I can identify some universal events or trends that would apply across the board to all of us. I know that 9/11 was a huge example of something we've always taken for granted, the safety of America, disappearing before our eyes. But that was only 8 years ago. Maybe it was the internet. World's worth of information was suddenly available to us. We had the ability to learn and know more about a variety of different subjects than we have ever had before. So it would seem natural that we would want to sample the buffet of knowledge and change our opinions based on that. And so much information can cause overload. But it has to go deeper than that. To get Swedenborgian about it, information affects the mind, but for a true existential identity crisis to happen something has to affect the will or our loves.
Then I started thinking about my own life and the experiences I have had that lead to me constantly searching, learning, sampling, trying different things on in an attempt to figure out who I really am and where I really belong in this world. As I was talking to Kirsten a thudding realization hit me that I either hadn't considered before or that I filed away in my "I'll think about that tomorrow" pile. We learn consistency from our parents. We learn about what's permanent, about what's stable from our families as our eyes first open and we come to understand what a family is. My childhood, and therefore the rest of my life, was defined by my Dad leaving. Bam. Right there at age 6 I had all of the stability that children are supposed to have destroyed. But of course I knew this already. I know as surely as I know the sun will rise every morning that who I am was defined by the key losses of family members that I suffered through as a child. That's nothing new, although the pain of that will always be fresh. What struck me about the same old story this time was the fact that along with everything else, I think my anchor was snapped at that point. In a way that was good as it allowed my mind to search, to seek, to find all of these brilliant stars of truths out there in the sky of all humanity. I have felt an attachment to the church I was raised in, yes, but more to the truths I was taught as I understand them rather than the organization itself or what any one of the "founding fathers" said. I think Benade was a megalomaniacal nutcase and not a great champion of the early Academy, for example.
But all this drifting and vacillating is a two-edged sword. I crave stability like you wouldn't believe. But I'm not finding it in anything. And I think that's why a part of me is so anxious to get married. I think that part believes that marriage is the closest thing I'll find to stability. Even though most of the evidence in my life contradicts that notion. Still, somewhere deep in my will I'm hanging onto that idea, even though my understanding knows that's not the case. Marriage is a tricky thing. It offers us the best and worst in humanity.
And that's where another level of the epiphany about my generation came to me. My story is not a unique one. I remember reading somewhere that 60% of children in this country today are being raised in single-parent households. Talk about a complete and utter lack of stability. And I would be willing to bet that there isn't a lot of loyalty shown within the contexts of those broken marriages or single mothers. It begs the question, what are we teaching this next generation? I grew up in a comparatively stable environment and here I am with all these issues. It makes me wonder what we're doing to the collective consciousness of our culture. What can we believe in when there is nothing left to hold sacred? Where are we going with this?
I don't have an answer right now. I don't know if I'll have one in my lifetime. All I know is that I would do just about anything for stability and peace of mind.