Mr. President
I would like to start by offering you a hearty congratulations for your ability to be able to dupe1,2 slightly more than fifty percent of the population through your unintelligible rambles into voting for you. It is truly a feat that those people could actually understand what you were saying through your broken English and horrible grammar usage. I would also like to applaud3 you on actually being able to win this election without the blatant cheating that was used in the previous election.
But on a little more serious note, I wanted to inform you that the Northeast and West Coast will be seceded4 from the Union. After much thought and consideration, we’ve decided that it is in our best interest to longer be involved in someone who damages our reputation as you have. We’ve spent four years waiting for something better to happen. And yet, it never did. So we’ve decided that we’re best able to handle our own affairs. Below are a list of grievances5 and suggested solutions that must be completed before we ever consider rejoining your ever-fascist growing government.
-The “war” in Iraq that was supposedly a search for weapons of mass destruction when in actuality you were making up for the fact that your father couldn’t complete what he started. We demand that our troops be removed immediately and Iraq be allowed to rebuild themselves. This demand is not an act of treason, it is an act of patriotism. We’ve lost too many of our wonderful troops not to mention tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians, many of which were children, in your search for imaginary weapons. We also expect a full statement explaining your true intentions in Iraq and why more of our troops have died AFTER the “war” ended. Our borders will open at that point to allow the expected tens of thousands of immigrants from the dwindling United States to be entered into our increasingly powerful nation once they realize the truth.
-The use of terror to get what you want. We’re curious to see how you’ll use the Twin Towers and 9/11 to your advantage to get the masses to go along with your plans for spreading your hatred when New York is no longer your concern. We also expect a statement explaining to the people why the Republican National Convention was held in one of the most liberal cities in the not just the United States, but the world. Again, our borders will be open to allow the masses that exodus your once again dwindling country.
-The use of your religion. Please stop propagating6 and glorifying a war under the name of a religion that promotes love and peace, please see the Gospels, that would be Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John, for clarification on the words “love” and “peace.” If you feel that you must use your diluted form of Christianity, we ask that you at least use it as the misguided7 fanatic you are. We ask the you call the war a crusade to crush the infidels of Allah. Again, our borders will be open.
-In further discussions of your religion we ask that you stop using it to create hatred among people. For starters, what your religion says about people, especially homosexuals, should hold no bearing on their ability to be married and find happiness. In case you missed American History 101, which I’m sure you did due to a major hang over or crack withdraw, America was created to escape a theocracy8 and thus, religion should not have a bearing on what is done in your country. And if you feel that you must use religion, please stick with the one that the country was founded on, which is the Quaker belief. For historical purposes we wanted to inform you that the Quakers made a statement in 1968 saying that homosexuality was a natural way of life.
-We ask that you decrease the unemployment rate that you’ve somehow managed to increase in the past four years. We’re not exactly sure how that happened, but with our economy in the dumps for four years, I’m sure those citizens of your ever shrinking nation would be happy to have a bull9 market for more than three days. I have no doubt that this will be tricky without your major economic strongholds, but I’m sure that somehow you’ll manage and God will see you through. If God doesn’t pull you through, we’re sure that the businessmen that have been getting huge tax breaks over the past four years will be more than happy to help. The doors to the border will also be opened when you fail at this.
-We’re also requesting that you remove your filthy, Iraqi bloodied hands from the uteruses10 of our women. We also want all of our rights to privacy, including the physician/patient privacy laws that you revoked, returned immediately.
-Finally, we’d like you to retake English 101 with an emphasis on grammar so we can better understand what you’re saying.
As of the writing of this letter, these are the major grievances that we, the people of the Northeast and West Coast, have. Please ensure that they are fixed before the first of the year, or your country will be quickly decreased. We’ve also decided that we’re not going to allow any of your citizens into our institutes of higher education11. We’re sure that Ohio and it’s hundreds of thousands of schools would be more than happy to supplement the loss that will occur when this happens. Please consider this your last warning from us. We want results immediately.
The States of: Washington, Oregon, California, Hawaii, Maryland, Delaware, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Maine, Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Washington DC.
P.S. Because Washington DC voted against you 90% to 9%, we ask that you remove yourself and any traces of you, from our new capital. We’d suggest a lovely city in Kansas…or Ohio. We are, however, demanding that all Federal institutes besides you and Congress, stay in DC. This includes FBI, CIA, and the Federal Treasury. You can keep the Supreme Court, we’ll elect our own. And due to the high number of non-Bush voters in Northern Virginia, we’ll also be taking that.
1Deceived12
2It’s called a footnote
3Clap
4Quit
5Complaints
6Spreading, yes, like butter
7Foolish
8Church-based government
9Good economy
10Female part
11Colleges
12Lied
But on a little more serious note, I wanted to inform you that the Northeast and West Coast will be seceded4 from the Union. After much thought and consideration, we’ve decided that it is in our best interest to longer be involved in someone who damages our reputation as you have. We’ve spent four years waiting for something better to happen. And yet, it never did. So we’ve decided that we’re best able to handle our own affairs. Below are a list of grievances5 and suggested solutions that must be completed before we ever consider rejoining your ever-fascist growing government.
-The “war” in Iraq that was supposedly a search for weapons of mass destruction when in actuality you were making up for the fact that your father couldn’t complete what he started. We demand that our troops be removed immediately and Iraq be allowed to rebuild themselves. This demand is not an act of treason, it is an act of patriotism. We’ve lost too many of our wonderful troops not to mention tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians, many of which were children, in your search for imaginary weapons. We also expect a full statement explaining your true intentions in Iraq and why more of our troops have died AFTER the “war” ended. Our borders will open at that point to allow the expected tens of thousands of immigrants from the dwindling United States to be entered into our increasingly powerful nation once they realize the truth.
-The use of terror to get what you want. We’re curious to see how you’ll use the Twin Towers and 9/11 to your advantage to get the masses to go along with your plans for spreading your hatred when New York is no longer your concern. We also expect a statement explaining to the people why the Republican National Convention was held in one of the most liberal cities in the not just the United States, but the world. Again, our borders will be open to allow the masses that exodus your once again dwindling country.
-The use of your religion. Please stop propagating6 and glorifying a war under the name of a religion that promotes love and peace, please see the Gospels, that would be Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John, for clarification on the words “love” and “peace.” If you feel that you must use your diluted form of Christianity, we ask that you at least use it as the misguided7 fanatic you are. We ask the you call the war a crusade to crush the infidels of Allah. Again, our borders will be open.
-In further discussions of your religion we ask that you stop using it to create hatred among people. For starters, what your religion says about people, especially homosexuals, should hold no bearing on their ability to be married and find happiness. In case you missed American History 101, which I’m sure you did due to a major hang over or crack withdraw, America was created to escape a theocracy8 and thus, religion should not have a bearing on what is done in your country. And if you feel that you must use religion, please stick with the one that the country was founded on, which is the Quaker belief. For historical purposes we wanted to inform you that the Quakers made a statement in 1968 saying that homosexuality was a natural way of life.
-We ask that you decrease the unemployment rate that you’ve somehow managed to increase in the past four years. We’re not exactly sure how that happened, but with our economy in the dumps for four years, I’m sure those citizens of your ever shrinking nation would be happy to have a bull9 market for more than three days. I have no doubt that this will be tricky without your major economic strongholds, but I’m sure that somehow you’ll manage and God will see you through. If God doesn’t pull you through, we’re sure that the businessmen that have been getting huge tax breaks over the past four years will be more than happy to help. The doors to the border will also be opened when you fail at this.
-We’re also requesting that you remove your filthy, Iraqi bloodied hands from the uteruses10 of our women. We also want all of our rights to privacy, including the physician/patient privacy laws that you revoked, returned immediately.
-Finally, we’d like you to retake English 101 with an emphasis on grammar so we can better understand what you’re saying.
As of the writing of this letter, these are the major grievances that we, the people of the Northeast and West Coast, have. Please ensure that they are fixed before the first of the year, or your country will be quickly decreased. We’ve also decided that we’re not going to allow any of your citizens into our institutes of higher education11. We’re sure that Ohio and it’s hundreds of thousands of schools would be more than happy to supplement the loss that will occur when this happens. Please consider this your last warning from us. We want results immediately.
The States of: Washington, Oregon, California, Hawaii, Maryland, Delaware, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Maine, Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Washington DC.
P.S. Because Washington DC voted against you 90% to 9%, we ask that you remove yourself and any traces of you, from our new capital. We’d suggest a lovely city in Kansas…or Ohio. We are, however, demanding that all Federal institutes besides you and Congress, stay in DC. This includes FBI, CIA, and the Federal Treasury. You can keep the Supreme Court, we’ll elect our own. And due to the high number of non-Bush voters in Northern Virginia, we’ll also be taking that.
1Deceived12
2It’s called a footnote
3Clap
4Quit
5Complaints
6Spreading, yes, like butter
7Foolish
8Church-based government
9Good economy
10Female part
11Colleges
12Lied