On procrastination and other slow forms of suicide
I read somewhere that one of the reasons why people procrastinate is a fear of success. And I said, "Poppycock!". I'm not afraid of success. I'm terrified of failure. Who in the hell put the good housekeeping seal of approval on all of these shrinks' diplomas? Yet, I find myself closer than I've ever been to completing my bachelor's degree and I'm sabotaging it. Why?
It's more complicated than that but I actually can't figure it out myself. I'm reverting back to my high school mentality. In the face of a backlog of work and looming deadlines, I'll find one excuse after another to do anything but study. What is that? How does that happen? My ID and my Superego are having an argument. My Superego is angry, under pressure, and armed to the teeth and yet he chooses to huddle in a corner while my ID daydreams about bicycles and posts useless crap to LJ. I know that there are people in the world who are absolutely NOT like me in this regard. One of them is the MSU. She simply doesn't understand how someone who has work to do finds time to play Yahoo Spades. She does what any intelligent person would tell me to do: Get your work done first and then go goof off.
As I near the end (two years away) I want it to get over, but I can't make it go away. I can't dance faster than the music. I really do want badly to quit. I don't think I will, but what I am doing is sabotaging my grades and at the same time I'm not really even enjoying the rest of my life because my studies are hanging over my head like a Damoclean sword. I keep telling myself that I need a break, that I need a vacation, but the thing is, I haven't done anything in practically weeks! I think I get this from my mother. I'm tired because I'm stressed but I'm stressed because I'm not meeting my commitments which I'm not meeting because I'm tired.
Plus, I really do feel like I have very very little free time. That being the case, I should make better use of the time I do have! Work hard, play hard right?
Okay, I really do like cycling. It's my new thing. I also really like tinkering with my bike and I've lined up tons of projects for myself. If I would just get caught up on my school work, I could actually go and do some of these things and enjoy it. Most of the time, I either do research on the Internet about what I want to do or I take little stabs at my projects; a little hour or so here and there that I feel guilty about and in any case isn't enough time to get anything serious done. The end result is that time is just evaporating. I'm not spending time with my family, I'm not biking, I'm not working on bikes, I'm not studying, I'm not even cooking or cleaning anything. I'm just... expiring. Expiring with time. Like sand through an hourglass.
Meanwhile, time is most definitely not on my side.
The answer is so simple really: Just do it. But I don't just do it. I say okay, I'll just go make some tea and then I'll do it or I just need to rearrange these books and then I'll do it. There are so so many distractions too. In addition to being employed full time and a father of three, there is e-bay and LJ and e-mail and tons of other time eaters.
I've got to come up with a new way to combat this or it will win. I need heavy artillery.
It's more complicated than that but I actually can't figure it out myself. I'm reverting back to my high school mentality. In the face of a backlog of work and looming deadlines, I'll find one excuse after another to do anything but study. What is that? How does that happen? My ID and my Superego are having an argument. My Superego is angry, under pressure, and armed to the teeth and yet he chooses to huddle in a corner while my ID daydreams about bicycles and posts useless crap to LJ. I know that there are people in the world who are absolutely NOT like me in this regard. One of them is the MSU. She simply doesn't understand how someone who has work to do finds time to play Yahoo Spades. She does what any intelligent person would tell me to do: Get your work done first and then go goof off.
As I near the end (two years away) I want it to get over, but I can't make it go away. I can't dance faster than the music. I really do want badly to quit. I don't think I will, but what I am doing is sabotaging my grades and at the same time I'm not really even enjoying the rest of my life because my studies are hanging over my head like a Damoclean sword. I keep telling myself that I need a break, that I need a vacation, but the thing is, I haven't done anything in practically weeks! I think I get this from my mother. I'm tired because I'm stressed but I'm stressed because I'm not meeting my commitments which I'm not meeting because I'm tired.
Plus, I really do feel like I have very very little free time. That being the case, I should make better use of the time I do have! Work hard, play hard right?
Okay, I really do like cycling. It's my new thing. I also really like tinkering with my bike and I've lined up tons of projects for myself. If I would just get caught up on my school work, I could actually go and do some of these things and enjoy it. Most of the time, I either do research on the Internet about what I want to do or I take little stabs at my projects; a little hour or so here and there that I feel guilty about and in any case isn't enough time to get anything serious done. The end result is that time is just evaporating. I'm not spending time with my family, I'm not biking, I'm not working on bikes, I'm not studying, I'm not even cooking or cleaning anything. I'm just... expiring. Expiring with time. Like sand through an hourglass.
Meanwhile, time is most definitely not on my side.
The answer is so simple really: Just do it. But I don't just do it. I say okay, I'll just go make some tea and then I'll do it or I just need to rearrange these books and then I'll do it. There are so so many distractions too. In addition to being employed full time and a father of three, there is e-bay and LJ and e-mail and tons of other time eaters.
I've got to come up with a new way to combat this or it will win. I need heavy artillery.