Things I can't say but need to
First off, more than anything else, I love you like I've never loved anything. Meeting and falling for you has made me realize that I was lying every previous time I said "I love you" (which I had begun to suspect over the last few years anyway).
Well for now you are taking space to figure things out and make some important decisions that you can't do while I'm around. I understand this and am trying to support it. This is the main reason that I'm here, so I don't reach out to you. You know this place and can seek it out if you want to, or these words can remain invisible to you until you come back to me and ask to see them.
This is the hardest thing I've had to do. Harder than leaving Louisiana when it became unbearable, harder than dealing with the things back home that led to my departure, harder than burying my mother, and harder than coming to terms with the damage my childhood did to my adult life; but I have to do it.
If we don't do this, then we get a few more months together before the guilt and regret and resentment and lies and secrecy and everything else gets to be too much and we crumble under the pressure and then we will never be together.
There is no guarantee that we will be together after this either, and in fact, this is one of my biggest fears: that I am sacrificing limited time with you now for more time in the future, but that time may not ever come. My insecurities plague me at every turn here and I truly do believe that you will forget me, that you will convince yourself that what we have is not real, and that you will only remember the pain that our situation caused you and that the memory of that pain will outweigh the memory of the other parts; then you will be lost to me forever.
I am so scared. When I am scared, my insecurities are in control and my thoughts become irrational. Don't worry, I won't show up at your house or even call you unexpectedly and hopefully I can keep from reaching out through other electronic channels until you are ready to hear from me again, but it makes me think terrible things and sometimes say things that I regret. As a result, some of the things that I write here may be very raw, but I am trying to capture all of the thoughts that I'm having, for me and for you.
It's late; I imagine I'll be back tomorrow.
Well for now you are taking space to figure things out and make some important decisions that you can't do while I'm around. I understand this and am trying to support it. This is the main reason that I'm here, so I don't reach out to you. You know this place and can seek it out if you want to, or these words can remain invisible to you until you come back to me and ask to see them.
This is the hardest thing I've had to do. Harder than leaving Louisiana when it became unbearable, harder than dealing with the things back home that led to my departure, harder than burying my mother, and harder than coming to terms with the damage my childhood did to my adult life; but I have to do it.
If we don't do this, then we get a few more months together before the guilt and regret and resentment and lies and secrecy and everything else gets to be too much and we crumble under the pressure and then we will never be together.
There is no guarantee that we will be together after this either, and in fact, this is one of my biggest fears: that I am sacrificing limited time with you now for more time in the future, but that time may not ever come. My insecurities plague me at every turn here and I truly do believe that you will forget me, that you will convince yourself that what we have is not real, and that you will only remember the pain that our situation caused you and that the memory of that pain will outweigh the memory of the other parts; then you will be lost to me forever.
I am so scared. When I am scared, my insecurities are in control and my thoughts become irrational. Don't worry, I won't show up at your house or even call you unexpectedly and hopefully I can keep from reaching out through other electronic channels until you are ready to hear from me again, but it makes me think terrible things and sometimes say things that I regret. As a result, some of the things that I write here may be very raw, but I am trying to capture all of the thoughts that I'm having, for me and for you.
It's late; I imagine I'll be back tomorrow.