at the risk of being passive-aggressive...
my therapist informed me yesterday that i might want to consider journaling; that it might help me get out thoughts and feelings, particularly about the things that i struggle to get out.
pardon me while i laugh derisively (sp?)...it hasn't helped much at all lately, lol...but i guess i could try a little...
of late, the thing i struggle with most is being/feeling alone. and yes, i know it sounds retarded, so shut the fuck up. i have sue, and sometimes i have kim, whether i want her to be there or nor (and mostly not lately :((). my mother is on leave now for surgery next week, and though she's 3 feet from me most of the time, she might as well be back in bahrain for all the company she is; it's like talking to a brick wall, until supercunt comes home from school, and then she can't keep out of my face, yelling at me to be the adult and just shut the fuck up where IT is concerned. and the doc made me "contract" with her that i would call emergency services before doing anything to hurt myself again (deargods, what it takes to keep from it every waking moment). i am also dealing poorly with being angry (CUE THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVNESS) at the few people i try communicating with who either BLATANTLY IGNORE ME, as far as i can tell, but because i have affection for them (and YES, there are several of you, possibly reading this right now), i can't just say "well, fuck you; i'm not going to waste any more time or energy worrying anymore." because i DO often feel like "why am i putting time and thought and energy and concern into and for people who won't communicate at all?" several people have said they'd call; nothing. in MONTHS. i ask questions; get no response at all. and i can't help but wonder if that means they don't WANT to hear from me. true, i have been very non-communicative, and for some, that's the way it's always been, and that's okay, but i miss the others terribly. THE ABSENCE/SILENCE IS FELT AND UNAPPRECIATED.
now i am disgusted with myself, so i'm going to go look at books for a while. and i might write more next week, or maybe not, and if you don't want to hear from me anymore, at least have the balls to tell me so, so i don't continue thinking you give a fuck at all. i deserve that much consideration and dignity.
what the hell is the name of the guy who wrote the ender books???
pardon me while i laugh derisively (sp?)...it hasn't helped much at all lately, lol...but i guess i could try a little...
of late, the thing i struggle with most is being/feeling alone. and yes, i know it sounds retarded, so shut the fuck up. i have sue, and sometimes i have kim, whether i want her to be there or nor (and mostly not lately :((). my mother is on leave now for surgery next week, and though she's 3 feet from me most of the time, she might as well be back in bahrain for all the company she is; it's like talking to a brick wall, until supercunt comes home from school, and then she can't keep out of my face, yelling at me to be the adult and just shut the fuck up where IT is concerned. and the doc made me "contract" with her that i would call emergency services before doing anything to hurt myself again (deargods, what it takes to keep from it every waking moment). i am also dealing poorly with being angry (CUE THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVNESS) at the few people i try communicating with who either BLATANTLY IGNORE ME, as far as i can tell, but because i have affection for them (and YES, there are several of you, possibly reading this right now), i can't just say "well, fuck you; i'm not going to waste any more time or energy worrying anymore." because i DO often feel like "why am i putting time and thought and energy and concern into and for people who won't communicate at all?" several people have said they'd call; nothing. in MONTHS. i ask questions; get no response at all. and i can't help but wonder if that means they don't WANT to hear from me. true, i have been very non-communicative, and for some, that's the way it's always been, and that's okay, but i miss the others terribly. THE ABSENCE/SILENCE IS FELT AND UNAPPRECIATED.
now i am disgusted with myself, so i'm going to go look at books for a while. and i might write more next week, or maybe not, and if you don't want to hear from me anymore, at least have the balls to tell me so, so i don't continue thinking you give a fuck at all. i deserve that much consideration and dignity.
what the hell is the name of the guy who wrote the ender books???