(no subject)

Jun 08, 2006 01:20

i graduated june 2nd. my class voted me in for the advanced achiever award, which is sort of like a "most likely to succeed" sorta thing, and i had to give a speech at graduation. lots of people told me they dug on it, which was cool. i'll put up a video on my myspace page when i get it... should have a dvd of it soon, complete with the phone call i got in the middle of my speech. classic. the whole event seemed a little surreal. and ever since school ended, i've been dealing with a bit of what i would falteringly call separation anxiety; i was going to class almost every day for a pretty good stretch, so now that the days are less packed, i feel like i'm constantly forgetting to do something, like something's missing.

i've been a little bit on the melancholy tip lately; not entirely sure if that's a separate issue or if it's related. i suppose it could be either. i've been sleeping a lot, catching up on what i missed over the year, and i wake up feeling great. still eating healthy, still solid on my good habits.

but the inside of my head is just abstract wreckage, a tesseract of irreconcilable and conflicting perspectives, to which i feel equally attached. of course, it's like that most of the time. life is full of push and pull, and i'm often in the middle of the game of tug-o'-war...

i still feel like i'm in the middle of it all, but i feel strangely detached, as though i'm tending to observe rather than be directly involved, if that makes sense...

maybe i'm just getting worn out from having to learn a lot so quickly, both academically and in regards to the curves life has thrown me in the last couple years... sometimes true wisdom comes at the risk or price of pain and loss. and you only really gain wisdom from anything when you make the most of the inevitable sadness that lines the road to enlightenment. it's hard to learn how to be strong, and even harder to stay that way, isn't it? i'm realizing that more and more all the time.

nonetheless, my days have been far from dark, recently filled to the brim with great company and conversation (yay!). and since my arrival back in california on the 5th, i've felt like atlas on vacation (finally). it's nice to be back in familiar surroundings, to hang out with friends i never see anymore... i needed a change of pace, and i'm getting it.

things are always looking up. i just wish i could shake the apathy i'm feeling as of late. it bothers me to feel this way. i know i'll find something to distract me from it eventually, but distraction is unfortunately fleeting... and, a sort of apathy in and of itself.

d'oh.

ideas, school, apathy, family

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