"If you feel like you have to do something, don't. If you feel that you should, do it." -Erik's dad
So, yeah. I am sitting in the PRIDE! office, and I was talking to a few of my classmates from my photoj2 class. It started out with just complaining that she wasn't specific enough with her directions, and how she's basically a moron. But it eventually turned into me thinking (out loud) that photojournalism is just not for me. What sucks is that it took me 3 years to figure this out. :( I am almost done with school here, and I have 22ish credit hours left. I want to go to culinary school after college, and I want to make art. I don't know if it's just my professor that has killed photojournalism for me, or if I am just not made to take pictures of "news". I just want to make beautiful pictures that make the people who see it think. I want to do long term projects about gender, and sexuality. I want to examine all forms that the human body takes. I want to make a difference with my art, even if it is making 5 people re-think their ideas of gender. I want to make beautiful food and serve it to people who will appreciate the beauty, as well as enjoy eating it. I don't know exactly how I'm going to make this happen, but it will.
Erik gave me a tarot reading last night, and I think that got me seriously thinking about my life and where I want to take it and how to get there. I need to get my shit together, and I actually think I am doing it. Well, at least I'm starting to. I am growing up, and I don't want to fuck this up. I want to have at least a plan of what I'm going to do after I graduate before I do it. I'm going to start looking up internships that I won't hate, and I'm going to start to put my life together the way I want to have it put together.
After a lot of thinking (and I mean a lot) I think I am ready to change my name and start T. More and more people are asking me about it, and everytime, I am not sure. But I think I am going to actually do it. I am going to legally change my name, and I'm going to make an appointment to start testosterone. It's not like I haven't said that before. But, "...something has changed within me...something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." oh musicals....
I am terrified out of my mind as to what's going to happen when I do actually change my name and start T, but I finally feel as though this is something I need to do. I need to start my life again. I'm no longer a teenager, and I don't want to start my adult life in this in between stage of my transition. I don't feel rushed or pushed into this like I did in the past. I don't feel like I have to compete with anyone. My friends see me as a boy, as do I, and that's enough for me. I know that coming out to the rest of my family is not going to be easy, but I know what I need to do.
Also, I have determined that I am just going to get my shit together before I try to find anyone to date. I mean, I really would like to find someone, but at the same time, it's so much to deal with. Me starting T, me being trans in the first place, and just me being me. I am just going to get my shit together, then worry about boys and dating.
I need a haircut too.
Erik gave me a tarot reading last night, and I think that got me seriously thinking about my life and where I want to take it and how to get there. I need to get my shit together, and I actually think I am doing it. Well, at least I'm starting to. I am growing up, and I don't want to fuck this up. I want to have at least a plan of what I'm going to do after I graduate before I do it. I'm going to start looking up internships that I won't hate, and I'm going to start to put my life together the way I want to have it put together.
After a lot of thinking (and I mean a lot) I think I am ready to change my name and start T. More and more people are asking me about it, and everytime, I am not sure. But I think I am going to actually do it. I am going to legally change my name, and I'm going to make an appointment to start testosterone. It's not like I haven't said that before. But, "...something has changed within me...something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." oh musicals....
I am terrified out of my mind as to what's going to happen when I do actually change my name and start T, but I finally feel as though this is something I need to do. I need to start my life again. I'm no longer a teenager, and I don't want to start my adult life in this in between stage of my transition. I don't feel rushed or pushed into this like I did in the past. I don't feel like I have to compete with anyone. My friends see me as a boy, as do I, and that's enough for me. I know that coming out to the rest of my family is not going to be easy, but I know what I need to do.
Also, I have determined that I am just going to get my shit together before I try to find anyone to date. I mean, I really would like to find someone, but at the same time, it's so much to deal with. Me starting T, me being trans in the first place, and just me being me. I am just going to get my shit together, then worry about boys and dating.
I need a haircut too.