(no subject)
I'm totally feeling used.
by life. by friends. by people i don't even fucking know. even by my own self.
i've been feeling this pretty much my whole life. but it's really cathing up to me now. this past week especially.
i feel like everythings always up to me. it's always up to me to call people. i never get phone calls. i always have to drive everywhere to see people. no one ever comes to visit me. i always put other peoples feelings and well being before my own. i'm always making sure people are alright. who the fuck even cares about me. i'm always taking all of these pictures...for free. spending my own moneny. money i don't even have. i just don't know what to think anymore. i don't know what to do anymore. i am drained. emotionally. never having anoyone really there for me. physically from always being gone. financially. i am so fucking broke from driving everywhere. i have no money. so many bills. i'm using my credit card to see people. all of my free time. i put towards other people. driving hours upon hours to see them. resizing photos. i don' tknow. i just feel as if no one truely cares. everyone fucking says they do, but how do they show it. i'm so sick of having this used feeling. 20 years...that's how long i've had it. i need to start looking out for myself. making myslef happy. the only problem is. seeing these people makes me happy. i jsut can't continue doing what i'm doing though. i'm going to get run into the ground. i give up so fucking much. i feel ike i put some much into keep up everything. i would do anything for any of my friends. i do do anything and everything that i possibly can. it just never seem slike it never happens in return. i just want to be a hermit. shut myself in. shut myself away from the world. the sad thing is i am so fucking dependent on people. people who are never there. i don't know. i'm jsut feeling pretty hopeless with everything. i don't know what to do anymore. i guess for now ill just shut myself in my room and sleep hours on end. watch almost famous. and cry my eyes out. cause i can't think of anything i can do. people need friends. it would just be nice to actually have someone take an initiative and maybe show me that it's not all one sided. i don't fucking know anymoer. i'm sorry. i just fucking give up.
by life. by friends. by people i don't even fucking know. even by my own self.
i've been feeling this pretty much my whole life. but it's really cathing up to me now. this past week especially.
i feel like everythings always up to me. it's always up to me to call people. i never get phone calls. i always have to drive everywhere to see people. no one ever comes to visit me. i always put other peoples feelings and well being before my own. i'm always making sure people are alright. who the fuck even cares about me. i'm always taking all of these pictures...for free. spending my own moneny. money i don't even have. i just don't know what to think anymore. i don't know what to do anymore. i am drained. emotionally. never having anoyone really there for me. physically from always being gone. financially. i am so fucking broke from driving everywhere. i have no money. so many bills. i'm using my credit card to see people. all of my free time. i put towards other people. driving hours upon hours to see them. resizing photos. i don' tknow. i just feel as if no one truely cares. everyone fucking says they do, but how do they show it. i'm so sick of having this used feeling. 20 years...that's how long i've had it. i need to start looking out for myself. making myslef happy. the only problem is. seeing these people makes me happy. i jsut can't continue doing what i'm doing though. i'm going to get run into the ground. i give up so fucking much. i feel ike i put some much into keep up everything. i would do anything for any of my friends. i do do anything and everything that i possibly can. it just never seem slike it never happens in return. i just want to be a hermit. shut myself in. shut myself away from the world. the sad thing is i am so fucking dependent on people. people who are never there. i don't know. i'm jsut feeling pretty hopeless with everything. i don't know what to do anymore. i guess for now ill just shut myself in my room and sleep hours on end. watch almost famous. and cry my eyes out. cause i can't think of anything i can do. people need friends. it would just be nice to actually have someone take an initiative and maybe show me that it's not all one sided. i don't fucking know anymoer. i'm sorry. i just fucking give up.