when this time comes...
ive been thinking about this person. this person makes me think & makes me want to be open about everything & want to strive for better. this person doesnt know that i feel like this. i wish they did but then i guess there is the fear of rejection which i dont want to bring upon myself. in my life...theres so much. everyone was soo good. with so many aspects. mainly family. but those aspects changed everything for me. i love my family. i really do. & thats why things are getting better. well for me...i guess having so many desired things definately doesnt make you happy. ive had so many friends like my whole entire life but never actually sat down & look at how many of them were my REAL friends. those dont come around too often at all. && like who actually is a good friend. everyone just talks about everyone. its just how it is. even if they are yr best friend which ive done to my best friend which i totally regret but like idk its been a HUGE problem with me this year. dealing with what i said & figuring out what to do about it. i have so much to offer too so many people but no one wants to look inside & get this person out except this one person. the person mentioned before. ive just like realized that soo many people dont mean what they say to you. things are said so easily...so lightly. like the phrase i love you. thats used wayyy too much. those words are ones that ive never used if you are actually in love with someone & dont wish to use upon anyone anytime soon. i love so many things in life but like no one yet & im completely not saying that you can not find love at a young age im just saying i dont want it now or anytime soon. love is so cherished. ayy & people think that by putting more & more friends into their lives that it will cover up there lonliness & other emotions. for example, today when signing yearbooks everyone was like ohhh i just got my yearbook so thats why i dont have alot of signatures. they have to give a reason so that i dont think that they dont have alot of "friends" friend is also a word that is used much to often. for all the wrong reasons. since people call everyone their friend, oh your my friend. oh yeah there my friend its totally not like that because people you talk to twice arent your friends & will never be yr friends. gosh im having to many friends problems. like all these friends around me...still dont cover up my being lonely & thats what people cover their lives with friends. with love with anything besides what it actually is. as of rite now...i guess im just real lonely with the friend aspects. everyones so caught up in their own deals. no one has time for anyone anymore. mmm. time is so special. time spent with a friend is sooo special. a couple of days ago. i went to my friends house & like sat in my car & sat in their house & just talked. i love talking. i loved that moment so much. that period of time was soo special. i just want to spend time like that with this other person too. i know that they are lonely i just wish that they knew the same thing about me. that we could come to learn so much from eachother and about eachother from jusr being together and just spending that cherished time with that person. im so confused with so many things rite now. i really just need time to figure things out because i am lost. lost in so many words. lost in my own life. i see where i am but not where im going and not what is happening. this point in my life should now be a turning point that should make me come to realize some different things about life that need to be looked upon soo enough.
<3
OH i keep telling myself i "love" this person but there is no way in hell that i do. NO WAY. ive lied to myself about it & always have. see there i go again...love used in the worst way & is given a totally wrong title.