Low Self Esteem
I'm feeling a combination of frustration and pain right now, in spite of having had a great day.
I've been trying really hard to improve my self esteem. In the last couple of weeks, a number of my friends have been giving me flack for my self deprication, even when not meant to be putting myself down. One even told me it's hard to be my friend because I put myself down. I don't know how to respond to that - it really hurt me she said that and makes me feel uncomfortable, to boot. I kind of feel like I lost that friend. :( she meant alot to me and I've shed some tears over it. Maybe she meant it as tough love, but I don't know.
I am really sick of my friends telling me my faults. I am also really tired of people telling me I need to not be dating. I keep trying to date in order to fight my inner self esteem demons- I think I'm too ugly and fat and lame to ever get a guy I'd want to be with, and yet i keep forcing myself to get out there. It hurts my feelings- and doesn't do much for my self esteem- that my friends think that I'm as unworthy of affection and intimacy as I do in my worst moment. Everyone else I know has someone, for the most part. It's nice to have someone, and I'd like to find someone who I geuinely think is attractive and cool.
Relating to that, I hung out with someone new on Saturday, and it ended up being really weird. He stared into my eyes for a couple of HOURS, I kid you not, and then decided that my self esteem is too low. I didn't even SAY anything! Whether I was looking for something more or not, I feel rejected, awkward, and hurt.
I also found a punk store here in Garden Grove. Alas, it's closing, but I did meet the peircer guy, and initially thought he was totally hot - tattooed, peirced, pretty - light skinned latino with those coal dark eyes and the high forehead I LOVE, intelligent and principled. I went back with C today, and Goonie met up with us. C's friend K showed up and we also met S. s is awesome and sweet. We all stayed in the store and chatted up the piercer guy, who eventually gave us a deal. so C got her tongue done, S her belly button, and I my septum. Hey, it was nice to see his face up close. Of course, I don't exist to a guy like that. In the end, he seemed like he kind of knew he was hot, and that's a turn off. Ironic, isn't it? Too much self esteem is worse than not enough!
Fuck judging people for having low self esteem. We ALL have low fucking self esteem, and it's kind of snotty to expect a woman, especially, to be 100% totally comfortable with herself. I should be acceptable just as I am, low self esteem and all, because you know what? I'm pretty fucking cool. And cute.
I'm going to keep flirting with everyone I find attractive and I'm still going to wish I weighed 50 pounds less. I know that being 50 pounds lighter won't solve all my problems, but it might help me have one less thing to hold me back.. And maybe I'll re-open my eyebrow ring, my tongue piercing too. and finally get some damn ink. I need to fucking grow a pair and be what I want to be.
No more dweeby programmers with no social skills. No more thinking I don't deserve that super hot tatooed dude with the goatee. I want my art making intellectual pirate! :D
I've been trying really hard to improve my self esteem. In the last couple of weeks, a number of my friends have been giving me flack for my self deprication, even when not meant to be putting myself down. One even told me it's hard to be my friend because I put myself down. I don't know how to respond to that - it really hurt me she said that and makes me feel uncomfortable, to boot. I kind of feel like I lost that friend. :( she meant alot to me and I've shed some tears over it. Maybe she meant it as tough love, but I don't know.
I am really sick of my friends telling me my faults. I am also really tired of people telling me I need to not be dating. I keep trying to date in order to fight my inner self esteem demons- I think I'm too ugly and fat and lame to ever get a guy I'd want to be with, and yet i keep forcing myself to get out there. It hurts my feelings- and doesn't do much for my self esteem- that my friends think that I'm as unworthy of affection and intimacy as I do in my worst moment. Everyone else I know has someone, for the most part. It's nice to have someone, and I'd like to find someone who I geuinely think is attractive and cool.
Relating to that, I hung out with someone new on Saturday, and it ended up being really weird. He stared into my eyes for a couple of HOURS, I kid you not, and then decided that my self esteem is too low. I didn't even SAY anything! Whether I was looking for something more or not, I feel rejected, awkward, and hurt.
I also found a punk store here in Garden Grove. Alas, it's closing, but I did meet the peircer guy, and initially thought he was totally hot - tattooed, peirced, pretty - light skinned latino with those coal dark eyes and the high forehead I LOVE, intelligent and principled. I went back with C today, and Goonie met up with us. C's friend K showed up and we also met S. s is awesome and sweet. We all stayed in the store and chatted up the piercer guy, who eventually gave us a deal. so C got her tongue done, S her belly button, and I my septum. Hey, it was nice to see his face up close. Of course, I don't exist to a guy like that. In the end, he seemed like he kind of knew he was hot, and that's a turn off. Ironic, isn't it? Too much self esteem is worse than not enough!
Fuck judging people for having low self esteem. We ALL have low fucking self esteem, and it's kind of snotty to expect a woman, especially, to be 100% totally comfortable with herself. I should be acceptable just as I am, low self esteem and all, because you know what? I'm pretty fucking cool. And cute.
I'm going to keep flirting with everyone I find attractive and I'm still going to wish I weighed 50 pounds less. I know that being 50 pounds lighter won't solve all my problems, but it might help me have one less thing to hold me back.. And maybe I'll re-open my eyebrow ring, my tongue piercing too. and finally get some damn ink. I need to fucking grow a pair and be what I want to be.
No more dweeby programmers with no social skills. No more thinking I don't deserve that super hot tatooed dude with the goatee. I want my art making intellectual pirate! :D