(no subject)
As another relationship in my life comes to an end, I have been reflecting on the patterns of my life. It is a dangerous game, blaming your behavioral patterns on a mental illness- it cannot be done instead of taking full responsibility for your actions, but in addition to. It’s a reason, not an excuse.
That said, I do definitely have a pattern. I squeeze too hard, closing my world in on the person I love, not realizing that I’m doing it, or how choking that squeeze can be until it’s too late and the other person’s love is strangled. The balance of my lover’s need for personal time is endlessly at odds with my need for attention. In the last days of the relationship, it becomes about my illness, even when it never was a big issue before. They question their feelings, needing days apart from me to “sort things out”, and either come back a few days later to break it off, never reutrn at all, or I break it off right then. I see the pattern quickly, and sometimes it’s just too painful to wait for the inevitable, even if that’s the respectful thing to do.
It hurts to lose a lover, especially one with whom I had so many wonderful dreams and grand plans. But something I must, and BPDs as a whole must accept is that our lovers have the right to be unable to handle our needs and our problems. It is hard to love a BPD. We’re children, emotionally. We have emotional epilepsy- we cannot help it that we sometimes lose ourselves to fight or flight thinking. That is a steep order to ask of anyone, especially someone who has their own internal struggles. How heart wrenching it must be to need space and time to think on one’s own deep struggles and be interrupted and thwarted from that reflection by a lover who isn’t capable of understanding the harm she’s causing in demanding that her own needs for reassurance be met. That is abusive, unhealthy, and unfair.
The word abusive is a trigger for me. I don’t want to be abusive. I don’t want to hurt the one I love. I don’t know how to stop the behavior on a dime, but I do think that taking small steps, I may be able to teach myself how to think outside myself, even when in ‘crisis’ mode. I think it may be harder for me to think of others’ feelings. I am beginning to understand why DBT therapy involves the taking away of support as a response for acting out. We must learn that there are consequences for relying on outside help without working on helping ourselves.
Love is not a once in a lifetime thing. I will love again, and I hope that I will come to the table wiser and more self-reliant. I will never be easy to love, and that risk will always be on my shoulders when I embark in love. So long as I have the courage to accept that risk, then I have the strength to keep at it.
That said, it is not all about how awful we are. We must also consider who we choose as lovers, and who chooses us. People with deep problems of their own, people who are attracted to chaos, and who need to feel or be needed themsleves can add to the unhealthy mix. I am open and honest from the beginning of my relationships, but it takes time for them to understand what I'm talking about. In the future, I will take steps- even if they are hopelessly small at first- to guarding my heart until well after the new lover has witnessed an episode.