Lessons Learned
Lessons in life are learned from the past, not the present, which is unfortunate but true. I have no regrets in life because of this. I love to learn, knowledge is not just power, but it is essential to life and living to me. Regretting a lesson learned is up there with being upset for stealing someone else's air. It makes no sense to me. I let go, the pain and the feelings of unpleasantness. I let go of the relationships that cause me pain, but I keep the lessons, and the joy that they produced in the past. None of us have an overabundance of joy in our lives, there is no such thing. I have been told that regret is important, it helps us learn, but I don't need it, and I am happy to say that. I will brag it, send it out like a bat signal if possible, and more, but it made sense to hear someone say that. The amygdala does run overtime when deep emotions are present, distress and joy. I would rather joy, though, and even the pain of the past has definitely brought it to my life.
As for the relationship thing, it does still influence my life. I have tried to forget that and deny it. No amount of denial will be able to erase the truth, though. The three years I was with my ex really do still influence my life now, and the relationship that I am currently in. No, it's not because of the negative negatively effecting me now, it's about the fact that I learned a lot about myself, and life. There are lessons there that I will never want to give back. Things that happened weren't all that great, he wasn't all that great. Still, I learned that no matter what I did in the past - or had happened to me - it doesn't mean that I deserve anything less than respect and unconditional love. That is something that eluded me for years after my rape. I believed that I deserved less than everyone else, because of the damage that was done to me. That has to be the most damaging choice to my life that I have ever made. Nothing will be able to take away enough of me that happiness should cease being an option or a right.
I learned that when in a relationship, both people need to be on an equal footing, there should not be someone giving more than the other, and there should not be one person so superior that they need to be giving more in order to even it up. There needs to be openness from both parties, not just one, and that is essential. You often get hurt if things don't work out, and if you don't allow for that to happen it's just not going to work out at all. Being vulnerable is essential to keep things on an equal footing, as well as for bonding purposes. People that I date may be more likely to crush me, but that is not an excuse for shutting them out. Pushing people away when life is overwhelming is definitely easier than letting them go through it with you, but it's also a fundamental in relathionships. We all like to be autonomous. No matter how much I care about a person, no matter how much I want to protect them from my life, I can't keep them in the dark and make the choices for them. Pushing people away only inspires resentment and anger, which will definitely not be helpful in a long term relationship. Maybe this is all preaching to the choir, but I never really learned how to open up. Opening up is something I realized was important because of my past relationship. If it weren't for being shut out of his life I wouldn't have known how it felt when I go into my shell. I like my shell, I am sure I have animal crackers, hot coco, tea, and macaroons there, but, despite the cozy blanket and pillow, I have to be realistic. It's a strange concept but people actually want to help me out in life.
Most of my friends are people that can't help but hurt when their friends hurt, and I am no different. They want to help out and fix the problem, although many of them forget about finding the source and fixing that as well. These people don't like being shut out. Someone letting me shut them out is probably the biggest sign that they just don't have the investment in me that I have in them. They probably don't deserve my attentions, and that's sad because I am more than happy to give them. It's hard for me to accept help, but it just dawned on me that some people really do feel good when they are able to help. It's actually something that they like to do. I like helping people, it feels good to me. I have a lot of love to give, a large capacity for love, and not just the so actively sought romantic type.
My ex is not any of the things in the above paragraph, and that strangely enough restored my faith in humanity. The whole thing taught me what I am truly looking for in people, and what I should never compromise. I learned that the ideal is probably out there, and giving up on it is ridiculous. The ideal is vague, more a list of qualities that I will cherish in a mate, and not some TV model. Honesty, loyalty, intelligence, fidelity, love, a protective streak, generosity with friends, and a clear knowledge of self - that's a pretty tall bill, but I decide what it is. I decide who has these qualities, they don't, and that's the most important part of the lesson. It's up to me, not anyone else.
As for the relationship thing, it does still influence my life. I have tried to forget that and deny it. No amount of denial will be able to erase the truth, though. The three years I was with my ex really do still influence my life now, and the relationship that I am currently in. No, it's not because of the negative negatively effecting me now, it's about the fact that I learned a lot about myself, and life. There are lessons there that I will never want to give back. Things that happened weren't all that great, he wasn't all that great. Still, I learned that no matter what I did in the past - or had happened to me - it doesn't mean that I deserve anything less than respect and unconditional love. That is something that eluded me for years after my rape. I believed that I deserved less than everyone else, because of the damage that was done to me. That has to be the most damaging choice to my life that I have ever made. Nothing will be able to take away enough of me that happiness should cease being an option or a right.
I learned that when in a relationship, both people need to be on an equal footing, there should not be someone giving more than the other, and there should not be one person so superior that they need to be giving more in order to even it up. There needs to be openness from both parties, not just one, and that is essential. You often get hurt if things don't work out, and if you don't allow for that to happen it's just not going to work out at all. Being vulnerable is essential to keep things on an equal footing, as well as for bonding purposes. People that I date may be more likely to crush me, but that is not an excuse for shutting them out. Pushing people away when life is overwhelming is definitely easier than letting them go through it with you, but it's also a fundamental in relathionships. We all like to be autonomous. No matter how much I care about a person, no matter how much I want to protect them from my life, I can't keep them in the dark and make the choices for them. Pushing people away only inspires resentment and anger, which will definitely not be helpful in a long term relationship. Maybe this is all preaching to the choir, but I never really learned how to open up. Opening up is something I realized was important because of my past relationship. If it weren't for being shut out of his life I wouldn't have known how it felt when I go into my shell. I like my shell, I am sure I have animal crackers, hot coco, tea, and macaroons there, but, despite the cozy blanket and pillow, I have to be realistic. It's a strange concept but people actually want to help me out in life.
Most of my friends are people that can't help but hurt when their friends hurt, and I am no different. They want to help out and fix the problem, although many of them forget about finding the source and fixing that as well. These people don't like being shut out. Someone letting me shut them out is probably the biggest sign that they just don't have the investment in me that I have in them. They probably don't deserve my attentions, and that's sad because I am more than happy to give them. It's hard for me to accept help, but it just dawned on me that some people really do feel good when they are able to help. It's actually something that they like to do. I like helping people, it feels good to me. I have a lot of love to give, a large capacity for love, and not just the so actively sought romantic type.
My ex is not any of the things in the above paragraph, and that strangely enough restored my faith in humanity. The whole thing taught me what I am truly looking for in people, and what I should never compromise. I learned that the ideal is probably out there, and giving up on it is ridiculous. The ideal is vague, more a list of qualities that I will cherish in a mate, and not some TV model. Honesty, loyalty, intelligence, fidelity, love, a protective streak, generosity with friends, and a clear knowledge of self - that's a pretty tall bill, but I decide what it is. I decide who has these qualities, they don't, and that's the most important part of the lesson. It's up to me, not anyone else.