(no subject)
you know...some times, i get ridiculously disappointed when nothing works out the way i want it to.
i'm a big fan of over planning, preparing for every possible outcome. i'm detail oriented. i hate surprises that i can't adapt to quickly, and i hate when i'm not in control of the outcomes of things. i'm also very optimistic about things, which tends to lead to even more disappointment, more often.
a) i think i'm disappointed about the weight loss progress. to be honest with you, this one's unfair because i refuse to step on a scale until about march, but i'm frustrated that since i started hardcore exercise and the "diet," my pants don't fit any better than they did before. My muscles hurt practically constantly, which i think means they're growing...but...i'm not feeling/seeing the change from fat to muscle. i'm really scared of stepping on that scale and realizing i haven't lost a damned thing. petrified.
the good news, though, is that jess said she thinks i look a little skinnier, but it's hard for people that see you every day to make that determination. somebody i rarely see should let me know next time i see you.
b) my thesis is frustrating me. i guess it's my fault because since the last meeting with temin a month ago, i really haven't been extremely proactive in my research. i had a detailed outline due yesterday that i didn't get done. i need to kick my ass this morning and email him soon. i'm headed to tufts in a few minutes. i'm disappointed that it's getting difficult
c) on a slightly more positive note, while i'm disappointed in a number of my friends, and former friends at the moment, i've had more contact with the outside world during this winter break than i ever have before. i owe this to rob. i swear, i think this is the only instance in my entire life when i don't have to call somebody to make plans. the other person calls me to see what i'm doing. i doubt that anybody reading this will understand how far from the norm my getting a random phone call from somebody saying, "hey! whatcha doing right now? come hang out with me," is and why i'm so excited about it.
i've also figured out in the last week that people i never talk to anymore are practically spying on me and reporting their findings to others. that's messed up. seriously...i'm in SHOCK that somebody i used to talk to pretty much daily found out about ross and how i was handling it, went and told somebody i haven't heard from in over a year by then about it...and never came to me? i just can't believe that his or her reaction to something like that was, "oh shit, let me go tell X, he or she should know," rather than, "oh god, lemme see if she's ok." ridiculous...seriously (btw, this has a really good story attached to it)
d) i lost my clipboard. i'm really upset about it. i've had that thing since biff's class! plus, i think i had some thesis stuff on it. *grumble*
e) i think there was another good one, but i lost my train of thought
f) this isn't really disappointment, more anxiety. a former camper of mine i think is having teenage middle school peer problems. i don't know how to deal with that. i think having positive role models at this age is so important and i don't think that three months of the year in the summer is really enough...particularly because all the hard stuff happens during the school year, not the summer.
so i don't really know where to go with this. she reminds me so much of me at that age and i want to make sure she doesn't stray down the wrong path. she has way more shit to deal with than i did. so i'd love to just hang out with her and hopefully get her to talk about some stuff, but i don't know how appropriate that is for me? this is gonna me on my mind for a while
i'm a big fan of over planning, preparing for every possible outcome. i'm detail oriented. i hate surprises that i can't adapt to quickly, and i hate when i'm not in control of the outcomes of things. i'm also very optimistic about things, which tends to lead to even more disappointment, more often.
a) i think i'm disappointed about the weight loss progress. to be honest with you, this one's unfair because i refuse to step on a scale until about march, but i'm frustrated that since i started hardcore exercise and the "diet," my pants don't fit any better than they did before. My muscles hurt practically constantly, which i think means they're growing...but...i'm not feeling/seeing the change from fat to muscle. i'm really scared of stepping on that scale and realizing i haven't lost a damned thing. petrified.
the good news, though, is that jess said she thinks i look a little skinnier, but it's hard for people that see you every day to make that determination. somebody i rarely see should let me know next time i see you.
b) my thesis is frustrating me. i guess it's my fault because since the last meeting with temin a month ago, i really haven't been extremely proactive in my research. i had a detailed outline due yesterday that i didn't get done. i need to kick my ass this morning and email him soon. i'm headed to tufts in a few minutes. i'm disappointed that it's getting difficult
c) on a slightly more positive note, while i'm disappointed in a number of my friends, and former friends at the moment, i've had more contact with the outside world during this winter break than i ever have before. i owe this to rob. i swear, i think this is the only instance in my entire life when i don't have to call somebody to make plans. the other person calls me to see what i'm doing. i doubt that anybody reading this will understand how far from the norm my getting a random phone call from somebody saying, "hey! whatcha doing right now? come hang out with me," is and why i'm so excited about it.
i've also figured out in the last week that people i never talk to anymore are practically spying on me and reporting their findings to others. that's messed up. seriously...i'm in SHOCK that somebody i used to talk to pretty much daily found out about ross and how i was handling it, went and told somebody i haven't heard from in over a year by then about it...and never came to me? i just can't believe that his or her reaction to something like that was, "oh shit, let me go tell X, he or she should know," rather than, "oh god, lemme see if she's ok." ridiculous...seriously (btw, this has a really good story attached to it)
d) i lost my clipboard. i'm really upset about it. i've had that thing since biff's class! plus, i think i had some thesis stuff on it. *grumble*
e) i think there was another good one, but i lost my train of thought
f) this isn't really disappointment, more anxiety. a former camper of mine i think is having teenage middle school peer problems. i don't know how to deal with that. i think having positive role models at this age is so important and i don't think that three months of the year in the summer is really enough...particularly because all the hard stuff happens during the school year, not the summer.
so i don't really know where to go with this. she reminds me so much of me at that age and i want to make sure she doesn't stray down the wrong path. she has way more shit to deal with than i did. so i'd love to just hang out with her and hopefully get her to talk about some stuff, but i don't know how appropriate that is for me? this is gonna me on my mind for a while