Prudence
Ok, considering the fact that I have been a long time enemy of online journals, blogs, and sharing any pertinant information with people who you cannot readily beat with a stick, I seem to be using this thing rather often. It's kind of pathetic when I think about it. I'm constantly online because it's a distraction. I post silly nothings because I'm technologically inept and it can take me half an hour to post ten words. Thereby, I cherish this silly thing. Soon, we will all go back to school and I'll have other things to distract me, but right now there is nothing else.
My best friend is on a guilt trip because she didn't finish her editing of our book while I was gone. My part is done. We are just waiting on her approval, but I don't care that she didn't finish. I want my best friend. I want to be able to call and talk for three hours with one of two people who can tell me what I feel, and actually be right every damned time. She is so much more important than the book, and if she wants to take two days, two weeks or two years to finish it, I don't care.
Right now I'm floating. I'm in this flux, this state of limbo, waiting for the future but stuck in the past, and it isn't just a gov school thing. Yes, I miss all of you wonderful, happy, heart-lightening people. Yes, I wish I was back there, running around without a mask, but wearing a button. I wish I could have captured that immeasurably euphoric feeling, and put it in a little box that I could look back on when the world began to hurt. It would help as so many of us sit on the cusp of adulthood, trying to direct our maturity but still living a world where our opinion doesn't matter. Our opinion does matter. It is OUR life, not our parents, not our counselors, and not even our directors. We are sitting at this precipice, staring down into the ocean below. In a few months we have to jump. We know how to survive, but everyone we know is shouting advice about how THEY jumped, about the triple flip dive they did that earned them laurels from the world. I don't want to do a triple flip dive. Right now I just want to survive the fall. I'll worry about swimming to shore once I make it into the water.
I feel like I'm already jumping, and even though I'm terrified, I'm excited.
This amazing edge I've found though, isn't just Gov School reentry and High School exits, even the littlest damned things are right there. Stupid things. Weight. Painting my room. This year's shows. Damned Teen Romance. That's the worst of all, but here I am, balanced between the two parts of my mind, trying to find a way to walk the edge of this blade without too much pain. It can't be healthy staying up there. I'm too much of a klutz to peer over the edge too much longer.
I think I know what I want for my eighteenth birthday though. Since I'll finally be an adult, and, in theory, direct my own life, I want a magic eight ball that tells the truth. Then I could just ask it "Acting or Tech major?" and I'd flip it over and the little blue pyramid would roll to the answer, and then I would know.
I don't think they make those.
Shit.
To think of life unending.
To think of of all things seen.
No new. No old. No discovery.
Life is lived eternal.
Cannot escape from pain.
No new. No old. No discovery.
You try, attempt to go
see all that is new.
No new. No old. No discovery.
Searching for experience.
Running here to there.
No new. No old. No discovery.
To die at last.
Relieve the pain.
Craving unknown.
New. Old. Discovery.
That's just a silly old poem I wrote when I forgot to do my homework and had to turn something in to the teacher. When she analyzed it she realized it was about suicide. I agreeded with her for a long time, but now...I don't. It isn't suicide; it's change. Eternity doesn't have to mean living forever. It's living a certain way forever, and after almost eighteen years of one life, one way, with only occasional interludes, I'm beginning to wish that I could take off my politically correct mask.
Hmm, I still think that these things are silly, but it does have the distinct advantage of allowing me to babble without eroding the listeners ears.
Peace, love and free salsa(or pie!) everyone!