Christian Taekwondo Demonstration at My Church
I am blessed. Even when I feel that I am abandoned and destined to fail, God is there with me, pushing me to go on, filling me with spirit and hope. That is what keeps me here.
Today, I did what I was afraid of doing with my Christian TKD demo church team. I hate being in front of people. I hate having any focus turned on me or having to perform. I worry that I will fall short. That lack of faith I have in myself is a lack of faith I have that God will catch me and make up for my inevitable shortcomings. I see that now, and I will have that always until I learn to trust God again. I don't know when I was broken, but I just know that that path back to him is long, painful, and scary. Even so, I am filled with understanding each time I find him. I lose him so that I may seek him (I only say "him" because it is what I am used to. I know that God has no gender or sex).
I didn't think I could do the demo, and I worried about letting my sabumnim down, making him look bad. I feared that I would not be good enough, but it was a success. Yes, I made mistakes, and so did others, but they were so small that it didn't matter. The demonstration was full of feeling and love. Gentle words and encouragement put peace in my heart. Suddenly, the near hundred people before me (or so it seemed) were not a threat. They were just people like me who came to worship God and learn how others show their praise and thanks.
Everyone's piece was beautiful, not just our TKD demo. I was moved.
Today's sermon made me cry, and I shook with tears of joy during my private prayer, with my hand on my heart and my other hand on my head. I realized in that moment, I am loved. God does not want me to be alone. God is my savior, and he brought me to this place. He brought me through all the painful times and led me to the joyful ones. He saved my soul and gave me the chance to glorify him through my work and loving others. I prayed for a family, and he gave me a brother, someone I never thought would ever play such a part in my life. He is not by blood, but he is my brother and teacher.
I am loved. God loves me. I am safe under his protection. That realization is what moved me to tears.
Thank you, God, for all the beautiful people you have placed in my life, whether they have remained or been with me for a little while before moving on. You have brought everyone to me at the right time, and I stop questioning it. You know what is best for me, and you give it to me when I need it, not when I want it.
Thank you for this day, and I am glad you gave me the strength to do this. If I can just do everything for you, then everything I do will be perfect. Help me to turn my thoughts and heart to you, and I will live in your love forever. Help me find you. I'm lost, and I'm looking for you.