Epilogue
I don't know why I'm writing this... but something compels me.
Very few people will ever read this. Even fewer will find meaning. This journal is long forgotten by anyone who once read it. Most people have moved on to more modern pastures -- myspace, facebook, and so forth. Even me. As of the last entry, my story here was essentially done. I started writing a new journal on myspace.
It might be two days after I write it, a week, a month... who knows. Eventually someone will come back here. The probability is, that person will be looking for something. So I guess I'm writing for that person.
Whoever you are, I hope you find solace in what I say here. I hope you find what you are looking for.
In my myspace journal, a few days ago, I wrote an entry called "Finish Line!" For anyone who has followed my life (or even if you haven't) it was about my graduation from the Jefferson County Sheriff's Academy. The audience to that entry is restricted, with many of them incapable of understanding the passion and the happiness I expressed. If you've followed this journal for any length of time, there's no need to read that entry. You can probably guess the content. If you are one of those people, I'm talking to you.
Four years ago, much like today, I had everything. I had my dream job, a girl who liked me, my family was all doing well and happy...
Well, the surface of the two eras are the same in that respect. But back then I lacked the passion I have now. I lacked the courage. I wasn't strong enough in heart. All those positives in my life were just escapes. I failed. And I lost almost everything.
I deserved it too. I deserved to be pulled through the mud for the next few years too.
In time I learned and accepted everything, bitter as it was to swallow. I did my time in hell and I atoned ever day for three years. I got almost everything back, only for being open, honest and candid about my flaws and mistakes. I got a second shot at the academy, with an agency I love with all my heart, full of people who have been nothing less than a blessing to me.
I have my dream job (very permanent), a girl who seems to like me. My family is happy, well and they love me very much. I have money in the bank. I'm happy. I'm well. I'm not afraid of anything. Everything is better than it could have been before. All my regrets have been erased or mended... except one. That's why I'm here.
Someone, back when everything fell apart, confronted me. The things that person said were among the most horrible things anyone had ever said to me... this person asked me to forget them. To forget her. You see, truth has a devastating impact and to a large extent, what she said drove everything home. She said things no one had ever had the courage to say to me. She knew I would be crushed. She knew I would eventually hate her for it. She knew she was crossing a line she could never go back across.
Now is the point when I finally look back over things and see them in the clearest, most objective light (because everyone who knows me knows how much a love objectivity). She did the right thing. Without her statements, I would have never taken a negative view of myself. I would have never examined the flaws she pointed out. I would never have achieved the complete person I longed to be my whole life, the new life I now live and cherish.
How could I ever forget?
If the reader of this text is not her, take from this lesson that not everyone you call friend will always tell you what you want to hear. Listen to the people that care enough to be there when you need them, but who still have the courage to tell you when you are wrong. We all need that counter-balance. That's a true friend. Be honest in everything you do. Be positive... even when it seems impossible.
If the reader is her... If it's you, and you know who you are...
Wow... it's hard in text, even with limitless amonts of time. I could just start gushing about anything... Thank you. I'll never forget you. I don't hate you for anything. I wish things were different. I wish you had known the completed me that I eventually became. I owe you all this happiness I now know. I hope you have found or will eventually find your own. I hope you have friends who cherish you for your honesty, if not all your other wonderful traits. I hope some part of all this can give you some peace. God bless you.
Goodbye.