Nostalgia, and My Life as a Record
So I went through this morning and read back over the old entries that I've marked as memories. And wow. I really do some of my best writing when I'm... not depressed. Angsty, I suppose is the best word for it.
Reading back over my discontented teenage years is fascinating, to say the least. I mean, clearly, I am still a teenager, and obviously as such I am still discontented with the state of the world today. In my opinion, everyone should be. But in a totally different way.
I can't even explain it. It's almost like I've gotten over the moping phase of how bad the world can be and gone into action. Instead of whining about how everything should be, trying to make it how it could be, one random act of kindness at a time.
It's almost frightening, how much and how fast I've changed. Less than two weeks from now will mark my two-year anniversary of LiveJournal, and myself on August 15, 2002 and who I will be on August 15, 2004 could not possibly be two more different people.
In one of my entries from sophomore year (still can't believe I'm going to be a senior), I even wrote something about how I was disappointed that I would never have the guts to be out, at least not in high school. What curve balls life throws us, no? It's good to know that some prophecies are not self-fulfilling.
I don't know why I feel compelled to write this entry. I feel like I need some marker, some transcendant overview of how far I've come. I mean, there are still things in my life that are bothering me, but I'm in the process of enjoying life, instead of curling into a ball and waiting for it to Just Be Over.
And I know that come winter, once again, I will be depressed. That's the caveat of refusing to take medication. But I also know that it's bearable. I know that I'll live, and that even in the meantime I can and will fight it for all I'm worth, and that every year I am stronger for it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, a foresight and a gift I did not have so many years ago.
I feel very thoughtful and deep right now, and I'm afraid that I'm not saying the things that I want to say, and that the things I am saying are coming out all wrong. But I'm trying.
To parallel my growth over the past some-odd years...
Okay, I'm Alanis, right?
Middle school and a lot of freshman year, were Jagged Little Pill.
Sophomore year was Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie.
Junior year was bits from Under Rug Swept. Namely, "21 Things", "Hands Clean", "So Unsexy", "Precious Illusions", and "A Man". This is also combined with a bit of a breakaway pop-hit feel a la Avril Lavigne's "Anything But Ordinary", and a bit of The Calling thrown in. Variety is the spice, after all.
Right now, the albums I'm listening to most are Under My Skin (Avril), Go (Vertical Horizon), Two (The Calling), The Madding Crowd (Nine Days), MTV Unplugged (Alanis), and anything by Shakira. With a heavy dose of Alanis' "Uninvited" thrown in.
See? Less discontented rage, more conscious about my life and the world.
I realize that I totally tossed the deep, thoughtful feeling of this entry out the window with the whole album analogy, but hey. A guy's gotta do.
Reading back over my discontented teenage years is fascinating, to say the least. I mean, clearly, I am still a teenager, and obviously as such I am still discontented with the state of the world today. In my opinion, everyone should be. But in a totally different way.
I can't even explain it. It's almost like I've gotten over the moping phase of how bad the world can be and gone into action. Instead of whining about how everything should be, trying to make it how it could be, one random act of kindness at a time.
It's almost frightening, how much and how fast I've changed. Less than two weeks from now will mark my two-year anniversary of LiveJournal, and myself on August 15, 2002 and who I will be on August 15, 2004 could not possibly be two more different people.
In one of my entries from sophomore year (still can't believe I'm going to be a senior), I even wrote something about how I was disappointed that I would never have the guts to be out, at least not in high school. What curve balls life throws us, no? It's good to know that some prophecies are not self-fulfilling.
I don't know why I feel compelled to write this entry. I feel like I need some marker, some transcendant overview of how far I've come. I mean, there are still things in my life that are bothering me, but I'm in the process of enjoying life, instead of curling into a ball and waiting for it to Just Be Over.
And I know that come winter, once again, I will be depressed. That's the caveat of refusing to take medication. But I also know that it's bearable. I know that I'll live, and that even in the meantime I can and will fight it for all I'm worth, and that every year I am stronger for it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, a foresight and a gift I did not have so many years ago.
I feel very thoughtful and deep right now, and I'm afraid that I'm not saying the things that I want to say, and that the things I am saying are coming out all wrong. But I'm trying.
To parallel my growth over the past some-odd years...
Okay, I'm Alanis, right?
Middle school and a lot of freshman year, were Jagged Little Pill.
Sophomore year was Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie.
Junior year was bits from Under Rug Swept. Namely, "21 Things", "Hands Clean", "So Unsexy", "Precious Illusions", and "A Man". This is also combined with a bit of a breakaway pop-hit feel a la Avril Lavigne's "Anything But Ordinary", and a bit of The Calling thrown in. Variety is the spice, after all.
Right now, the albums I'm listening to most are Under My Skin (Avril), Go (Vertical Horizon), Two (The Calling), The Madding Crowd (Nine Days), MTV Unplugged (Alanis), and anything by Shakira. With a heavy dose of Alanis' "Uninvited" thrown in.
See? Less discontented rage, more conscious about my life and the world.
I realize that I totally tossed the deep, thoughtful feeling of this entry out the window with the whole album analogy, but hey. A guy's gotta do.