Can't I have both?
Title: Can’t I have both?
Author: Aznmen
Pairings: HanBum, HanHae, HanBumHae
Rating: PG
Summary: Kibum finally sobs out one thing, "Why can’t I have you both…?"
He touches him like he’s drowning. As if Kibum is his last breath of life, last hope, and he clings to him, whispering words that are garbled, make no sense to either of them, and leans forward to kiss him. Kibum can only stay still, a spectator in this drama unfolding before him.
A symphony of violins plays in his head, harmonizing his own little love theme. Kibum’s not sure what to do. Should he push Donghae back? Should he kiss him back? But he can only stare, and when Donghae falls back, staring with wide eyes, anxious, scared, nervous. He stares at Kibum, expecting some sort of reaction (‘and he should… but what should I do?’) Kibum clutches Donghae’s hand. They haven’t really separated yet, their breath intermingling and their eyes still staring, searching.
To think that maybe, possibly, Donghae might actually like him? For Kibum, after all this time, it was too much to hope, expect, and yet here they were, swallowing spit where he didn’t know whose it was. Here he was. Standing in front, their faces so close that if he simply leaned in, he could take hold of Donghae’s lips. But. "I…" He can’t say anything. Too confused, too hopeful, and… "I…"
But he can’t say anything. Not now. He chokes. Lets go of Donghae’s hand. "I’m sorry."
Donghae nods like he’s in a dream he hasn’t woken up from. His hand briefly comes to rest close to Kibum’s cheek, touching and not touching, so close that Kibum can feel the hairs on his face feel the caress. Donghae. Staring with loving eyes.
Donghae nods, quick, to the point, and turns around, his shoulders slumped, something the avid dancer would never allow himself to do. And. Was that a muffled sob?
Kibum thinks he’s sadistic, thinking of how beautiful Donghae looks, even while he’s so sad, running his hands through his hair repeatedly, almost pulling it, and refusing to look back. The door opens softly, and closes again with a faint whisper.
Falling down onto his bed, Kibum imitates Donghae and runs his hands through his hair, rocking back and forth and thinking of changing his mind. He thinks of running out the doorway and taking Donghae in a hug from behind, murmuring "I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you. I’ve always loved you." He thinks of running up and stopping to watch Donghae walk some more, "I can’t love you." He even thinks of simply running over and kissing Donghae, whilst thinking ‘Screw Hankyung.’ But.
The Chinese dancer comes in through the doorway with feather light footsteps. Seeing the younger boy on the bed, Hankyung quickly wraps his arms around Kibum, and rocks him back and forth. "I couldn’t tell him. You knew I loved him. You knew it. I love both of you so much… but." Kibum’s voice is husky with unshed tears. But with the warmth of Hankyung’s body, they came in bucketfuls. Hankyung carefully put Kibum’s face in his hands, and kissed the tears away. It seemed as if he already knew the breakdown was coming, and knew how to keep Kibum from completely falling apart. Even if he did break, Hankyung was there to catch the pieces and carefully glue them back together.
Kibum finally sobs out one thing, "Why can’t I have you both…?"
Hankyung glares at him for a few moments, but leans in and kisses him, open-mouthed and passionate, making Kibum dizzy and glad he’s already on the bed. He pushes Kibum down, lying on top of him, and running his hands anywhere he could touch.
Hankyung traces Kibum’s muscles down his chest through his shirt, drawing designs on his torso until he meets air. He starts with a soft kiss, before surging deeply until Kibum’s so full of conflicting emotions that he doesn’t know what to do.
"Oh." The soft utterance startles them both and Hankyung freezes.
Almost like it had been previously practiced, both Kibum and Hankyung turn to look at Donghae, their posture completely unchanged.
A forced smile on his face, Donghae winces, "Well. That explains the rejection. I’ll, em, leave you two to your devices?"
Kibum immediately pushes Hankyung off him and rushes to stop the door from closing before Donghae, "Please. Wait. I’ll explain."
"You don’t need to explain, I understand. I was a third wheel."
"No." Kibum covered the bottom half of his face with his hand briefly, "No. What I really want. What… I really want." Kibum stops, looking between the two.
"Kibum, I would really prefer not to be rejected twice in one day, so you don’t need to explain about it. I’ll leave the two of you alone in your little love shack." Donghae rolled his eyes, and made to close the door once more, but Kibum quickly grabbed hold of the door.
"No." Kibum reiterates. "I want you both. I love you both."
"There you went and let the cat out of the bag, Bummie." Hankyung murmured.
"I know. I just… I can’t help it. I love you, Hankyung. I love Donghae too. I love you both the same, but I can’t have you both, and it really makes me conflicted inside, because I want you both, and I feel like a selfish child."
"You are a child, Bummie." Hankyung laughs.
Donghae’s eyes grow calculating, and he looks at Hankyung. Stares him down, almost stripping him with his eyes and evaluating his merits. "We both love Kibum."
"Yes," Hankyung agreed, locking eyes with Donghae. "Are you thinking the same thing I’m thinking?"
"I wouldn’t mind sharing, is that about right?"
Kibum looked between the two, momentarily confused, "I… Did I just get what I wanted?"
Hankyung wrapped his arms around Kibum’s body, holding him close and nuzzling his neck with his nose. Donghae grinned and kissed Kibum full on.
"This should be interesting."
A/N: How many people forgot me?? XD I totally fail as an author .___.'' Really, the only reason this is even being posted, and was written, was because it already WAS. I just edited it, and wrote the whole end part. (aka, the whole HanHaeBum, and stuff after Donghae came in on HanBum XD)
But yeah. Gahh. Still major writing block. I sit down with plenty of ideas and hate all my writing. Fail. >.>
44. Two Roads
11-11-08
Finished: 8.15 PM
??/100