(no subject)
"And let no mortal man be called happy until he carries his happiness with him beyond the grave"
-The Chorus: Sophocles, Oedipus.
Well my whole world has crumbled in the past 72 hours.
I think i lost my best friend, not that she'd ever call me a best friend, not that i'd care about that. I also found out that the girl i have been chasing for the past two months has a boyfriend. I'm pretty sure my ex-best friends are going to comletely hate me. Josh has dissapeared off the face of earth. Rayman is still rayman thank god, and mark well he's just mark. Ednie is strange and all four of them seem to have no understanding of what i am going through.
i've gotten a lot of perspective out of this year. i don't even think about suiciding when i'm depressed anymore. i'm not obsessed with any material obsessions, though i do read comics for entertainment. i realised my entire outlook on the world is completely narrow and i am able to accept things i wasn't able to before. i don't care if people find me attractive/unattractive, though i do make an effort to look respectible. i don't really care people's opinions off me, but try my best to be everyone's friend. i don't know if i still agree with my view that love doesn't exist. i'm not sure if i agree with a lot of my opinions, and year 12 nearly ending hasn't allowed me anytime to think about who i am or what i believe. i really feel like this year has been a continuous falling experience, i hit the ground today.
i've said a lot of stupid shit in my life and offended a lot of people, and i apologise. i havn't said anything to intentionally hurt anyone for a long time, and if i have done it to you, you deserve it. i'm sick of my cause and effect ratioanilty, and my dipartite understanding of the world. i probably am starting to see shades of grey these days rather than black or white. Being 18 really isn't anything.
i'm sick of people lying to keep my friendship, and i'm sick of people not telling me their feelings but asking me to pull out mine. my heart's been through the shredder this past four months, i don't blame the person who caused it, its just as much my fault as hers, and just as much hers as any other.
i'm sorry for being such a poser, for thinking that i'm something that i'm not. i'm sorry for not taking compliments, and for fishing for them at times. being down is no excuse to treat people like shit.
i really hate people taking advantages of my insecurities, and good nature. generosity is a hard quality to find in people, and its an easy quality to extinguish. people can't give more than they have, a certain someone needs to realise this.
i don't know whether i love her or i hate her, though i'm sure she doesnt care for me.
i used to wish i was the lead singer of a band.
i used to wish i was 6" tall.
i used to wish i had his charming smile.
i used to wish i had his voice.
now i don't care. he makes her happy, that makes me content.
you can't have everything you want in life, that's what people have always told me. now i understand what they mean, but the only thing i ever wanted in my life was her.
i can't deal with it anymore, looking into her eyes everyday, piercing me like a dagger. i can't stand hugging her in the morning or the night, it burns hotter than the sun.
but i can't let her go, and i can't stand being a random friend. in the end i question whether its worth it, and i'm still not sure.
"yesterday my morning of light, today my night of endless darkness"
COMMENTS PLEASE
-The Chorus: Sophocles, Oedipus.
Well my whole world has crumbled in the past 72 hours.
I think i lost my best friend, not that she'd ever call me a best friend, not that i'd care about that. I also found out that the girl i have been chasing for the past two months has a boyfriend. I'm pretty sure my ex-best friends are going to comletely hate me. Josh has dissapeared off the face of earth. Rayman is still rayman thank god, and mark well he's just mark. Ednie is strange and all four of them seem to have no understanding of what i am going through.
i've gotten a lot of perspective out of this year. i don't even think about suiciding when i'm depressed anymore. i'm not obsessed with any material obsessions, though i do read comics for entertainment. i realised my entire outlook on the world is completely narrow and i am able to accept things i wasn't able to before. i don't care if people find me attractive/unattractive, though i do make an effort to look respectible. i don't really care people's opinions off me, but try my best to be everyone's friend. i don't know if i still agree with my view that love doesn't exist. i'm not sure if i agree with a lot of my opinions, and year 12 nearly ending hasn't allowed me anytime to think about who i am or what i believe. i really feel like this year has been a continuous falling experience, i hit the ground today.
i've said a lot of stupid shit in my life and offended a lot of people, and i apologise. i havn't said anything to intentionally hurt anyone for a long time, and if i have done it to you, you deserve it. i'm sick of my cause and effect ratioanilty, and my dipartite understanding of the world. i probably am starting to see shades of grey these days rather than black or white. Being 18 really isn't anything.
i'm sick of people lying to keep my friendship, and i'm sick of people not telling me their feelings but asking me to pull out mine. my heart's been through the shredder this past four months, i don't blame the person who caused it, its just as much my fault as hers, and just as much hers as any other.
i'm sorry for being such a poser, for thinking that i'm something that i'm not. i'm sorry for not taking compliments, and for fishing for them at times. being down is no excuse to treat people like shit.
i really hate people taking advantages of my insecurities, and good nature. generosity is a hard quality to find in people, and its an easy quality to extinguish. people can't give more than they have, a certain someone needs to realise this.
i don't know whether i love her or i hate her, though i'm sure she doesnt care for me.
i used to wish i was the lead singer of a band.
i used to wish i was 6" tall.
i used to wish i had his charming smile.
i used to wish i had his voice.
now i don't care. he makes her happy, that makes me content.
you can't have everything you want in life, that's what people have always told me. now i understand what they mean, but the only thing i ever wanted in my life was her.
i can't deal with it anymore, looking into her eyes everyday, piercing me like a dagger. i can't stand hugging her in the morning or the night, it burns hotter than the sun.
but i can't let her go, and i can't stand being a random friend. in the end i question whether its worth it, and i'm still not sure.
"yesterday my morning of light, today my night of endless darkness"
COMMENTS PLEASE