Boundaries - Part 7

[phoenix_soar]

Title: Boundaries (part seven)
Pairing: Junjin/Andy, JinDy
Genre: Bordeline Angst, Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Warnings: Coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much much more.


Notes: Took me forever - ugh, blame work for this - but I'm finally able to update this :D This year seems slightly better, work-wise, and so I have hope of updating more often. As it is, this fic probably will have only a few chapters left. That's the plan, anyway.

Previous: Part Six

BOUNDARIES - PART 7

'... Choongjae ... I - I think I want to ... to ... try it again ... with you...'

The words seem to echo off the kitchen walls and through his ears until they reverberate inside him, like a rumble in his chest. The pace of his heart adjusts to it, increasing, growing frantic.

Or maybe that is only because Andy is still there, pressing lightly against Junjin and keeping him trapped against the wall. His cheeks are flushed from the embarrassment of what he had just done and said, but his gaze is steady and intense. Junjin can see Andy's apprehension, though, as he waits for an answer.

An answer that Junjin cannot give right now.

When words continue to fail him, Andy finally speaks. His voice is low, almost timid. 'Well? Say something.'

Junjin lowers his eyes. 'I ... I don't ... What am I supposed to say...?'

Andy frowns at his response, and his hands, still holding Junjin firmly, tighten their grip. 'I don't know ... Just ... how do you feel about it?'

Junjin cannot meet his eyes. He can feel the rhythm of Andy's heart beating against his own chest, and he is still there, not moving away. It is suffocating, almost.

'Choongjae.'

'I don't know, I'm just confused,' he finally says. 'What do you mean, you want to "try again"?' He can feel his face colouring. He swallows. 'Try another experiment or ...?'

Andy's mortification is also rising, but he does not look away. 'No, no more experiments,' he replies, soft and serious.

That left only one other option and Junjin cannot bring himself to even consider it, much less actually believe it.

'Surely you're not saying that - !' he begins, shocked.

'Why, you don't want to?' Andy cuts him off quietly.

That silences him again, because all this time, deep down inside, he has wanted to, hasn't he? It is that sinful desire that has tormented him for months, giving him sleepless nights and sabotaging their friendship.

'Do you?' Junjin shoots back, looking back at Andy at last. 'Do you honestly want to?'

'I ... I think I want to...'

'You think?'

Andy finally takes a step away from him, dropping his hands from Junjin's shoulders. 'Look, this is hard for me, too. These past few days felt like a mental breakdown. I couldn't figure out what I wanted, or what I should say to you. I avoided you and you have every right to be angry with me. But now I'm finally saying that - '

'That you think you want to try having a relationship with me,' Junjin says flatly.

Something flickers in Andy's eyes, but he refuses to back down. 'Yes. Yes, I think I want that, Jin. I -'

'Don't tell me anything you're not a hundred percent sure of,' Junjin interrupts again, his voice growing acerbic. 'The last thing I want is you getting into something with me that you'll regret later. Don't say something you don't mean, just out of pity for my one-sided feelings.'

'Pity?' Andy hisses the word like it is poison. The look that crosses his face then is similar to the time he confronted Junjin in the practice room, right before Junjin had accidentally revealed his feelings. 'You actually think I'd say something so serious without meaning it just out of pity?'

'What else is it then?' Junjin snaps, his temper growing thin. 'I've never pressured you! The only thing I've ever asked is for us to remain friends. So why are you suddenly making some half-assed decision that you "think" you want to be with me?'

'Oh, I don't know, Jin, maybe because I do think I want to be with you?'

Junjin wants to scream. Andy's words are just cutting deeper and deeper into him.

'And what makes you "think" that is what you really want?' Junjin demands, his voice cutting. The line between anger and hurt is blurring for him. 'You don't have feelings for me, Sunho! You never did.'

Andy's irritation suddenly clears at his last words. 'So is that really the problem here? You can't believe I would ever like you, so you think I'm now lying to you about wanting this?'

Before Junjin can reply, Andy steps close to him again, almost touching him. 'Forget about me for a moment, Jin, and tell me how you feel. Do you really not want this?'

Junjin looks down at Andy, who is way too close, and feels his breath catch in his throat. He forces out the answer, 'I don't.'

'Liar.'

'I only want us to be friends.'

'You're fucking lying to me.'

'I'm not.' Junjin swallows, tilting his face slightly away from the other man. 'Ever since I ... this thing started, the one thing I was afraid of was losing you as my friend. That's all I want, for us to be the way we were.'

Andy stares into his eyes, calculating. 'I do believe you want us to be friends, Jin,' he finally says slowly. 'But I don't believe that's the only thing you want us to be.'

Junjin grits his teeth. 'Andy ... don't.'

'Tell me the truth. Have you ever wanted more?'

'It's wrong to want more. It goes against everything I've ever - '

'For once, just stop thinking and answer me, Choongjae! Did you ever want to have something more with me?'

Silence falls, so heavy that Junjin can hear the pounding of his own heart against his ears. Somewhere outside the kitchen, the gentle tick tock of a wall clock rings in the depths of the apartment. And then,

'Yes...' The whispered word sounds like a shout echoing off a mountain, so loud in the absolute stillness.

Andy stares up at him. His eyes gleam and he slowly begins to raise a hand.

'I did, once.'

Andy stills.

Junjin exhales slowly. 'But I buried all that down. I know my limits, how far I'm willing to go. I don't intend to cross that boundary.'

Andy drops his hand. 'I see...' His voice is low, almost cool. His face has closed off, making his thoughts impossible to read once more, but he still does not back away from Junjin. 'I have one question, though. This past week, after what happened in the car - what kind of answer were you expecting to hear from me?'

Junjin is taken aback. 'What? What does that mean?'

Andy narrows his eyes. 'I mean, what did you hope I would finally say after that kiss? That I liked it? Or hated it? Or I would just come back and say let's continue to be friends or something?'

It should not surprise him so much after fifteen years, but in this situation, Andy's brutal frankness leaves him dumbstruck. It also then strikes Junjin that Andy does have a point, only ... he realises he does not know the answer himself. What did he really expect Andy to say after that episode? He had not dared to imagine what Andy actually felt about that bloody "experiment".

'I can't really say...' Junjin mutters, frowning. 'I guess ... I don't know, I think that ... I just really wanted things to be normal between us.'

'Even after that?'

'Especially after that.'

'Hm.' Pursing his lips, Andy regards Junjin with shrewd eyes. His next question sends Junjin reeling. 'But what if I'm not so sure things can be normal between us again, Jin? What then?'

'Andy...'

'You don't want me to say anything I'm not absolutely sure of, right? Fine. Then I won't, for now. But what I said earlier tonight, Jin, I meant it. Something has changed between us.' Andy's mouth tightens. 'And I can't fix it. I'm not sure I want to, either.'

'Andy, I ...!'

'When I'm absolutely sure about that, I'll let you know. Will you give me a proper answer then?' Andy gives him an unreadable look and Junjin just stares back, speechless. 'Or are you going to hide behind your boundary again?'

Unable to speak, Junjin drops his gaze. How has it come to this? He had followed Andy inside the kitchen to demand acknowledgement, to call out on his hypocrisy. How has he ended up in this mess, trapped (in more ways than one) by Lee Sunho, whose own indecisiveness about what he truly wants is now stirring Junjin's own turmoil?

It shakes him to the core to consider what the other man is implying: Andy Lee may be possibly feeling the same way towards him, Junjin? He can barely conceive of it! And yet, Andy is saying exactly that and, in the process, fanning Junjin's hopes. Hopes that Junjin has forcefully buried because, in the end, it is still wrong, these feelings. He should not want Andy like this, his brother, his friend...

But the possibility that maybe, just maybe, Andy has started to want him the same way as well...

Junjin inwardly shakes himself back to his senses. It does not matter what either of them feels. They can never be ... they should not be.

'We should go to sleep,' he finally mutters, signalling the end of their conversation.

Andy's eyes seem to be boring right through him. 'You can't keep running away from this all the time, you know...'

'It's very late.'

They glare at each other stubbornly, neither willing to give in easily. Junjin has had enough, however. Andy still has not stepped far enough back for Junjin to leave, but the latter strides forward, lightly pushing the younger man aside. Before he has taken more than two steps, however -

'You know what I realised about you, though, Jin?'

Junjin almost keeps on walking, but Andy's tone gives him pause. Later, he will spend the rest of the night wishing he had just walked away when he had the chance.

Andy surprises him by pulling him close by the wrists. The kiss this time is so gentle and earnest that Junjin finds himself responding before he realises it. Andy's grip tightens around his wrists and he presses their lips together more firmly before pulling away. He looks up at Junjin with dark, thoughtful eyes as the latter struggles to compute what just happened.

'I ... you ... '

'That's what I realised.'

'What?' stammers Junjin, still shaken.

'You still don't get it?' Andy's fingers dig into Junjin's wrists. His fingers are right over Junjin's racing pulses, reading the frantic message of his heart.

It takes a moment for Junjin to realise he has been betrayed by his own body.

The twist of Andy's mouth cannot be called a smile, but his eyes lighten just a notch as he says, almost whispers, 'You keep saying no over and over, but all this time, Choongjae - in the car, earlier tonight, even here right now - you have never actually denied me.'

Andy drops his wrists and finally backs away. 'Just something for you to think over.' With that, he leaves the kitchen, throwing one last glance back at Junjin who is rooted to the spot.

Junjin stays like that, face blank but thoughts in chaos, for a long time. His ears ring with Andy's words and his mind recoils from the truth in them, but there is no escaping it. Junjin has, indeed, revealed the dark desires of his heart through his actions without even realising it, while out loud he has been trying to mask it all. Yet Andy has seen right through the whole thing.

Andy always does, somehow.

When Junjin finally walks out of the kitchen, he finds Andy curled up in the second futon Hyesung laid out for them, right beside the sofa. Andy is lying in one side of it, leaving a significant amount of empty space beside him; an unmistakable invitation.

Junjin walks right past him to the other side of the room and squeezes into Minwoo's futon, kicking and pushing his hyung to make some space for himself. Minwoo groans, mumbles something inaudible under his breath, and flings an arm around Junjin's waist to snuggle against him. Junjin lets him and looks blankly up at the ceiling, pretending he cannot feel the weight of Andy's accusatory eyes on him.

~***~

Junjin wakes up in the morning to absolute anarchy.

'FIFTY THOUSAND WON! WOO HOO! FIFTY THOUS- !'

'HOW CAN YOU DROOL ON MY BED, YOU BASTARDS?!'

'PAY UP, CHOONGJAE! FIFTY GRAND ALRIGHT!'

'I SLEEP ON THOSE SHEETS YOU KNO-!'

'HAH, I KNEW ERIC AND DONGWAN WOULD NOT LET GO OF YOUR GIANT BED, PILKYO! AHAHAHA!'

'I WOULD'VE BEEN MORE OK WITH IT IF THEY DIDN'T DROOL ON MY BED - YAH, STOP THAT, STOP HUMPING ON MY BED!!'

'CAMERA~! WHERE'S THE CAMERA?'

'YOU GUYS ARE SO GROSS -!!'

'WHERE'S MY PHONE?! I NEED THIS MOMENT RECORDED FOR FUTURE BLACKMAIL!'

'WHY AM I EVEN FRIENDS WITH YOU!'

It seems to take forever for Junjin's shock and disorientation from the outrageous wake up call to fade away, but at last he is able to free himself from his futon to find out the causes for all the shouting:

One: Minwoo had woken up in the morning to discover that Dongwan and Eric had, indeed, spent the night in Hyesung's bed, thus winning him his bet with Junjin.

Two: Hyesung had woken up to discover both Eric and Dongwan drooling copiously on his sheets.

Three: Eric, unhappy with Hyesung's loud wake up call, had proceeded to annoy him further by promptly draping himself on top of Dongwan (who happened to be lying on his stomach) and grinding rather suggestively on him.

Four: Dongwan, the only one who always knows how to get back at Eric's touchy-feely antics, had aggressively arched his butt back against the other's rather prominent morning erection, causing not only Eric to throw himself off Dongwan (and onto the floor), but Hyesung's voice to increase a few hundred hertz in pitch.

And five: Minwoo, the happy witness, had speedily recorded the whole incident for future ominous reasons.

Junjin is torn between joining in Minwoo's hysterical laughter and diving back into his futon again (because, there is no way it is not too early in the morning for this) but his attention is soon drawn away from his rambunctious hyungs. Andy, he notices for the first time, is leisurely leaning against the wall by Hyesung's bedroom door, a mug of coffee in hand and an amused grin on his lips.

Unwelcome memories of the previous night come, unbidden, to the front of his mind and Junjin swallows. Right, forget about the fifty grand he owes Minwoo, he has that mess to sought out, too. As if hearing his thoughts, Andy's eyes rove over to Junjin and the latter quickly looks back at the scene of Eric yelling at Dongwan for being a pervert. Why does it seem like his problems are determined to keep digging an ever deepening hole straight to hell?

'So, when do I get my money?' Minwoo sidles up to Junjin with a shit-eating grin and elbows him lightly. He glances over at Eric, who is now mock-threatening to sue Dongwan for sexual harassment.

'I haven't even brushed my teeth yet, hyung,' replies Junjin with a roll of his eyes, mildly distracted by Hyesung's bedroom drama. Dongwan still has not moved from his comfortable position, ignoring Eric and Hyesung both.

'Personal hygiene has nothing to do with following up on bets,' says Minwoo lightly. He snorts with laughter as Eric hits Dongwan with a pillow none too gently.

'You're such a prat sometimes, Minwoo hyung,' returns Junjin, watching Dongwan finally roll over to glare at Eric and clearly enunciate an accusatory sentence containing the phrases "sexually harassed first", "your penis" and "my ass", in that order.

'D'you have any idea how many people would've escaped with my money if I weren't a persistent prat in the first place? Why is Eric getting worked up anyway? Dongwannie made a legit point.'

Junjin lets out a cackle as Hyesung finally loses his patience - what was left of it anyway - and rips the sheet off the bed, causing Dongwan to slide off onto the floor. Eric laughs at his fate, only to have a bedroom slipper strike his mouth next second. Huffing, Dongwan gets up and turns to Minwoo, Junjin and Andy standing in the doorway.

'If this gets to court, you guys are my witnesses that Eric Mun humped me first. I acted in self defence against rape.'

'I think humping back counts as giving consent, hyung,' Andy tells him with a straight face, sipping his coffee. Junjin sniggers loudly and Andy's eyes turn to him.

Minwoo just slings an arm around Junjin's waist and grins at Dongwan. 'I couldn't care less how you two screw each other, as long as I get my fifty grand from Jin.'

Junjin groans. 'You do realise fifty thousand won barely amounts to fifty US dollars?'

'You two were betting whether I would hump Dongwan in Hyesung's bed?' demands Eric, looking rather offended as he walks over. 'I wouldn't screw him if he were the last woman on Earth and we had to continue the human race.'

'Uh huh, that's exactly the message your penis was giving me five minutes ago,' says Dongwan, smirking smugly at the look on Eric's face.

Hyesung throws up his arms. 'This is the last time I let you guys drink over at my place. Why do you become perverted trolls the morning after, instead of moving onto hangovers like normal people?'

Everyone bursts out laughing at this, except Eric who turns to Hyesung with a provocative smile and drawls, 'We can drink over at my place next time. You can sleep with me, then.'

Hyesung literally kicks Eric out of his room. Dongwan follows him out, laughing at the sight of Eric scowling and rubbing his behind.

'You know this morning is the best thing I have woken up to in years?' Minwoo says cheerfully as they follow the two of them to the sitting room. Within seconds, Eric and Dongwan are verbally fighting over who gets to use the guest bathroom first.

'That's only 'cause you're getting money out of it, Minwoo hyung,' retorts Junjin, bumping their shoulders together good naturedly. 'I, personally, could've done with a few more hours of sleep. It's way too early for this.'

'It's nearly noon, Jinnie.' Minwoo collapses into an armchair and stretches luxuriously.

'Really?' Junjin whirls around to stare at the wall clock. 'Huh ... it doesn't feel like it.'

'Didn't you sleep well last night?' Andy speaks to Junjin for the first time that morning. Taking a seat on the sofa, he gives Junjin a look heavy with implication.

Junjin blanches a little.

'Speaking of which, the hell did you climb into my futon for? I told you I wanted to sleep alone,' Minwoo complains. Ignoring Eric and Dongwan's squabble that is getting louder by the second, he gives Junjin a genuinely curious look. 'I thought you were taking the futon for yourself anyway. Or sharing with Andy?'

The man in question takes that moment to say coolly, 'I did leave some space for him. Perhaps he didn't see it.'

Frustration and shame clash and mix in Junjin's gut, making him slightly nauseous. He can understand Andy's indignation, but does he really have to bring this up in company?

'No, I saw it.' Junjin meets Andy's gaze squarely before turning to smirk at Minwoo. 'I crawled into yours purely for the reason you didn't want me there.' He carefully avoids looking at Andy, really having no desire to analyse how he feels about Junjin's obvious lie.

Minwoo crocks an eyebrow at him. 'And you call me a prat?'

'Where do you think I'm getting influenced from?'

'You're such a brat.'

'You just rhymed yourself.'

Their exchange is interrupted by the raised petulant voices of Eric and Dongwan from the bathroom door. Minwoo sighs and finally yells at them, 'I'm starting to agree with Hyesung about your weird morning-after-drinking behaviour. You idjits do realise you can both use the bathroom together, right?'

Grumbling, Eric and Dongwan elbow each other inside.

Before the door closes, Minwoo loudly sings after them, 'Just don't get each other pregnant in there.'

He ducks as Hyesung's expensive bottle of hair conditioner comes flying at his face in all its fluorescent orange glory. It bounces off the wall behind him and thwacks him on his crown anyway.

'You asked for it,' says Andy dryly as Minwoo begins to curse under his breath.

Rubbing the abused spot on his head, he gets up, grumbling about getting himself some coffee and walks off to the kitchen, leaving Junjin and Andy alone together. The tension in the atmosphere, previously dimmed to a low hum, immediately surfaces, crackling between them. Junjin considers going to get coffee himself, but Andy is looking right at him and he does not want to pull off such a blatantly cowardly act. As it is, Junjin has already displaced so many of his weaknesses to Andy already; he has run away so many times and he does not want to do it again right now. Not after last night.

Andy pats the seat next to him. 'Why are you standing? Sit down.'

It takes all of Junjin's willpower to actually sit down on the sofa instead of making for Minwoo's abandoned armchair. Still, he leaves a polite amount of distance between them.

Andy sighs a little. 'Jin, contrary to what last night's situation might have implied, I am not actually going to eat you, you know.'

A part of Junjin wants to laugh at Andy's attempt at lightening the mood, but the other part is cringing and blushing madly at all the memories awakened by Andy's unwittingly inappropriate joke.

Perhaps the younger man realises that, too, because his face colours and he coughs. 'I swear that sounded a lot better in my head.'

This time Junjin does laugh; an awkward bark of laughter that does nothing to hide his mortification and discomfiture. Andy looks over at him, hesitating. Junjin meets his eyes, still embarrassed and now a little curious.

'Jin, I ...' Taking a breath, Andy places his half-empty coffee mug on the table and then scoots closer to Junjin. The older man palpably tenses at the sudden proximity, and Andy wilts a little as he notices the reaction. He drops his gaze.

'I ... Jin, I'm sorry,' says Andy very softly. 'I'm sorry for last night.'

Junjin's heart nearly skips a beat and he grows still, the words stinging in a way he does not immediately understand. Suddenly, he is afraid to hear the rest of whatever Andy has to say.

'I'm sorry if it came off like ... like I was pushing you into something you were against or didn't want. That was never my intention, and I apologise if I was too forceful or I hurt your feelings. Please forgive me.'

Junjin waits with baited breath for the rest, but it does not come. Andy is watching him silently, waiting for his response.

He means to tell Andy to forget it, to let it go, but what comes out instead is, 'That's it?'

Andy frowns, surprised. 'What do you mean?'

Giving himself a mental slap, Junjin looks away. What did he expect, really? That Andy will take back his words? Take back the kisses that should have never happened?

It then strikes him that, yes, that is exactly what he had expected. From the moment Andy apologised, Junjin has unconsciously been waiting for Andy to say last night was a complete mistake; that he has never felt for Junjin anything beyond brotherly friendship, and the kisses were nothing but bad judgment on Andy's part.

He has been hoping for - and dreading - those words. Hoping, because then it might set his world upright once more. Dreading, because in the darkest corner of his heart, no matter how deep he has buried them, his sinful desires are still burning, still wanting.

Comprehension dawns on Andy's face and his frown deepens. 'Yes, Jin, that's it. That's all I'm apologising for.'

'Andy,' Junjin begins hesitantly, but the younger man holds up a hand.

'I'm not apologising for what I said, because I told you what I was really thinking. I'm sorry for confusing you and for being too forceful, but I'm not sorry for speaking the truth ... whether or not you find it hard to believe.

'And ... I won't apologise for kissing you, either. Not when it was with your consent.'

Junjin gawks at him, but Andy's eyes are like steel. 'You never pushed me away. You kissed me back. Every time.'

There is just nothing in this world he can say to that because it is true. He kind of hates himself, how he has set himself up for that.

'Also ... I did it because I wanted to. I'm not sorry for that. Regardless of whether you believe my sincerity or not.'

They remain silent for several seconds, staring at each other, Andy determined and Junjin at a loss. The tension between them is broken by Eric and Dongwan exiting the bathroom, both still luckily alive and unharmed (and not impregnated, hopefully). The latter calls out to Junjin that he can go in now and Junjin is glad for the excuse to leave.

However, Andy gets up and stops him with a hand on his arm. In a low voice that Junjin has to lean in to hear over the sound of Eric knocking on Hyesung's bedroom door, Andy murmurs, 'I meant what I said, though. When I am one hundred percent sure, I will tell you what I want. But on that day, I want you to do the same and tell me what you really want.'

Wordlessly, Junjin tries to move away, but Andy pulls him close. 'And I mean, what you truly want, Choongjae. Without hiding behind your fears and convoluted boundaries, just face the truth of what you want. It's not that hard.'

Junjin looks down at Andy, mouth set in a grim line. 'Perhaps for you, it isn't.'

'Maybe that's because you view all this as a mistake and I don't.'

'And if it is?'

Andy shakes his head. 'Only if you make it one...'

At that moment, Dongwan passes them on the way to the kitchen and raises his eyebrows. 'Well, look at you two! You seem much better.'

Junjin almost groans out loud, blushing. Andy is reddening as well and Junjin can almost see the effort he is exerting to not show his irritation at Dongwan. Their blackhole hyung all day, every day.

The happy comment is overheard by Minwoo, who is leaving the kitchen. He looks up from his coffee and packet of chocolate biscuits, breaking into a cheery grin. 'Nice. Our maknaes have kissed and made up, have they?'

Oh, can it possibly get any worse, Junjin wonders.

Andy looks directly at him, his hand sliding down Junjin's arm to grasp his fingers, and deadpans, 'Oh yes, we have.'

He is sorry for wondering.

Minwoo and Dongwan totally crack up at Junjin's face. Oh, but they have no idea.

Junjin gives a strangled laugh that sounds more like he is drowning, and stares at Andy in disbelief. The younger man, however, gives his fingers a gentle squeeze and smiles at him, a true friendly smile. The realisation that Andy is not poking fun at him calms him down slightly, but he also wonders how Andy can act so nonchalantly about, well, this. (Though, in retrospect, Junjin better learn to do so himself, lest the hyungs catch on to what is truly happening.)

The older ones finally move on, clapping their dongsaengs on the back and chortling how there is nothing in the world that cannot be resolved with either a punch or a kiss.

Andy chuckles a little after they leave. 'They'll never grow up, will they?'

Junjin cannot hide the small amused smile that creeps onto his lips. 'It's been more than fifteen years. I don't think true adulthood is in the fates for them.'

Andy laughs out loud at that, his eyes gleaming with mirth and affection. Suddenly, Junjin is a little too aware of Andy still holding onto his hand.

'Yeah, anyway ... should go brush my teeth now.'

With a small nod, Andy lets go of him. Junjin bites his lip as he turns away. His palm feels too cold now, suddenly divested of the warmth of Andy's hand.

Right before he shuts the door, Andy speaks, not looking at him,

'And Choongjae...? I'll be waiting. For your answer.'

~tbc~

A/N: My Junjin has a lot of issues and insecurities to work out. I love writing him, but it's also a challenge. Same with Andy :D
As always, comments and feedback are very much appreciated ^^