What is Love, if Not Madness? - Part 2/2
Title: What is love, if not madness?
Pairing: Yesung/Kyuhyun, KyuSung, YeKyu
Genre: Angst, Romance, Fluff
Warnings: AU, slight coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It was a promise broken and a promise kept. But for how long can one keep holding on to such a promise?
Part One
WHAT IS LOVE, IF NOT MADNESS? PART TWO
Yunho and Changmin give up on talking to Jongwoon about the past. Instead, they try to focus on more normal everyday things. They visit the cafe often and include him in their plans to hang out at their normal rendezvous spots.
Jongwoon is glad and goes with their flow. He appreciates having his friends still with him, seeing how much they care, and he slowly but surely begins to act more like his old self around them. He may still be hurting, but Jongwoon has gradually come to realise that life is still ongoing and that he needs to focus on the other things that also make up his life.
His friends are relieved to see the improvement. They do not comment, but their gladness is apparent.
Jongwoon had not actually abandoned any part of his old life after Kyuhyun left, despite the loss of his happiness. He had continued to manage the cafe with Jongjin, doing his work meticulously. Only his enthusiasm had taken a beating. It slowly builds up again as Jongwoon starts pushing thoughts of Kyuhyun away during work hours, occupying his mind with coffee and flavours and food and recipes for new tastes. The old memories come back again when he is free, of course, but it is a relief to be let off from them for a little while every day.
Jongjin notices the improvement as well, but he also chooses to keep his silence. Instead, he approaches Jongwoon with suggestions for opening a second branch of their cafe, hiring more staff, and ideas for new menus. With his older brother recovering a bit (at least during busy work hours), it has become easier to discuss these topics that Jongwoon had previously not put much heart in.
It is blissful, feeling a sense of normalcy coming back into his life. That is not to say he does not think of Kyuhyun everyday - he does - or that he is no longer waiting for him - he still is - but at least, he can feel bits and pieces of happiness coming back to him every now and then.
Within a few months of this, his friends and brother are a lot more joyful and Jongwoon decides he has been coping well lately. He is still haunted by Kyuhyun in his dreams and waking thoughts when his mind is idle, but he has learned to take reprieves from it by enjoying the company of his friends and his work while at the cafe. Even in his heart he knows he is feeling better in comparison to the past couple of years. He feels healthier, mentally and physically.
It is during this happier period that, one night at the cafe about an hour before closing time, his brother nudges him in the direction of the back table and hisses with a conspiratorial grin,
‘Want me to set you two up?’
Jongwoon almost drops the coffee pot he is holding. ‘What?!’
‘She is here again. And completely unable to take her eyes off you.’ Jongjin winks.
That is the moment when Jongwoon feels like the little sanity he has worked back into his life is about to go down the drain again. He has come face to face with the challenge of making it official that he has moved on from Kyuhyun. The ultimate leap - he will not be allowed to look back if takes this step.
And yet, faced with this girl - a regular customer that, until his brother had pointed out, Jongwoon had not realised was attracted to him - he finds himself on a precipice that he cannot bring himself to leap from. He has talked to her before on numerous occasions while he served her and has even thought her to be a nice and lovely young woman, with a ready smile on her face and friendliness in her words when she would shyly try to make small talk with him - but he cannot see himself making that jump to accept her into his life. He tries to imagine dating her, spending time together, learning about each other and, maybe one day, making things real between them.
A new relationship. A new chance. A new life.
But all he can see right then is Kyuhyun, what things had been like with him, what it had felt like being with him. And he realises within that second that it is hopeless. His heart is not ready for this, not yet. It will not be fair, neither to himself nor to this girl, who is innocent and ready to love, not tainted by the hurt of betrayal and heartbroken like Jongwoon.
In the end, nothing comes of it and Jongjin looks perceptively at his brother as he states, not quite accusingly but not kindly either,
‘You’re still waiting for him.’
Jongwoon does not refute him.
‘Hyung ... this can’t go on.’
He sighs. ‘I know.’
~***~
During the first year after Kyuhyun left, Jongwoon had gone back to the clearing once a month - always on the tenth, for it had been on the tenth of July that they had said their good bye - because he had missed him so much that it literally hurt at times. In the clearing, he had felt a little closer to Kyuhyun. He would spend a few hours sitting by the little pile of stones, counting the months, weeks and days left to their reunion.
Kyuhyun had not even told him where he would be going.
During the second year, after the promise had been broken, he had continued to go back to the clearing - but this time, he did not know for what reason. There had been no point; Kyuhyun had not come back. The clearing had felt empty and cold; it no longer held the feeling of Kyuhyun’s presence.
Still, Jongwoon had gone and he had waited and, despite how many times he had told himself otherwise, there was still that faith in his heart; that inexplicable trust, that belief that the promise would be fulfilled.
He could not forget how real and sincere being with Kyuhyun had felt back when they had been together. The long time they had spent with each other, the memories they had created, the lives they had shared and the hidden pieces of their souls they had bared to each other. How could it all have been a lie?
Nor could he forget their last few memories. The way Kyuhyun had kissed him in front of his apartment, the look in his eyes when he promised he would come back...
‘It was real,’ he would mutter to himself, but his would heart sink again and again whenever he entered a clearing devoid of Kyuhyun, leaving Jongwoon to wonder if he was being the biggest fool.
~***~
It has been exactly two years and six months since Jongwoon and Kyuhyun had separated. He dresses up warmly - because it is a white winter this year - before going to the cafe where Jongjin assures him that he can hold down the fort until Jongwoon comes back. With a nod of thanks, he leaves.
It is his last trip to the clearing. It has taken eighteen months for Jongwoon to give up and let go, to accept that he has been left behind and that he should get up on his feet again and move forward; but the moment is here now and Jongwoon sets out to the clearing for the final time.
Because, unlike Kyuhyun, Jongwoon has the decency to say goodbye properly.
Half an hour after Jongwoon leaves, Yunho comes charging through the cafe doors, searching desperately for him. His face falls when Jongjin tells him it will take a few hours before his brother comes back.
‘Why, what’s wrong?’
‘Changmin just called me. He saw that bastard in town earlier today.’
Silence falls between them and they just stare at each other, frozen, the cheerful sounds and warmth of the cafe fading to a cold silence in their ears.
‘What?’ Jongjin finally breathes, his eyes wide.
‘Yeah. And he talked to him ... apparently he’s been in town for more than half a year already.’
They know what the other is thinking: why the bastard in question has never approached Jongwoon in all the time he has been back; why he left Jongwoon to drown in hurt and betrayal while he watched from the sidelines.
‘I should just go and kill him right now.’
A sigh and then a shake of the head. ‘No. This isn’t our business ... Only Jongwoon hyung and Kyuhyun can fix this.’
~***~
If Jongwoon has thought that he has felt all the bitterness of love and all the unfairness that comes with it, he has clearly underestimated the full injustice of it all.
For what is it, if not injustice in its purest form, that Cho Kyuhyun is waiting for him in the middle of the clearing when Jongwoon enters it that day, with no other intention than to say goodbye and leave Kyuhyun behind forever?
He falters in his step, stops at the edge of the trees and gawks at the sight his eyes behold, feeling as if his legs will give out while his heart tries to leap out of his ribcage, pounding with shock and gladness and anger and love and bitterness and joy and hurt. It is one of those momentous occasions when it feels like every single emotion you have ever felt are coming together to clash in a tumultuous fury, leaving behind nothing but a sense of numbness, as if your heart has been hollowed out and emptied.
Kyuhyun is looking right at him, solid and real for all appearances, as he waits for Jongwoon. His posture is stiff and tense; and yet, with his arms hanging defencelessly at his sides and his eyes open and unclouded - even from that distance, Jongwoon can read every single emotion in them; the nervousness and concern; and the guilt ... the shame - he has never looked more vulnerable. He is open to whatever onslaught he will receive from Jongwoon now, deserving as he is of it, and he waits for the older man to make the first move.
The silence drags on, their breaths coming out as white puffs while the cold winter air hums around them, crackling with the tension between them.
And then Jongwoon is turning on his heel and stalking right back the way he came, his throat clogged up and his heart clenching, assaulted from head to toe with the old pain of how Kyuhyun had betrayed him. This time, the renewed assault is tenfold more agonising and bitter.
What right does Kyuhyun have to be here, now, when it is Jongwoon’s turn to say goodbye?
‘Hyung...!’
There is the unmistakeable sound of snow crunching underfoot and then, before Jongwoon can react, Kyuhyun has run up behind him. Arms come around his torso, holding him back, and Jongwoon feels a body - too painfully familiar - press up against his back. Kyuhyun’s face is buried at the nape of his neck and puffs of hot breath heat up his skin as Kyuhyun whispers, stumbling over the words,
‘Jongwoon hyung, please ... I ... I know that...’ A shaky breath and his arms tighten. ‘But please, please don’t go just yet. Wait...’
But it is Kyuhyun who had said he had to go. And it is Kyuhyun who had kept him waiting and waiting and waiting. And now...?
Jongwoon has never hated Kyuhyun so much as he does in that moment.
With a hiss, he breaks away from the desperate embrace, every bit of the hurt, bitterness and anger that have been building up inside him breaking free at Kyuhyun’s plea.
‘Don’t! Just don’t.’ He turns around to face his old lover, eyes blazing. ‘How did you even know I’d be here?’
Kyuhyun almost reaches for him again, thinks better of it, and lets his arms drop. ‘Because you always came here.’
It takes what seems like forever for Jongwoon to comprehend the meaning behind his cryptic reply, and suddenly, it feels like his heart is breaking all over again. There is only one way how Kyuhyun could have known that Jongwoon always came back to this clearing, every month, without fail.
‘Was it amusing?’ He hates how his voice breaks, how he chokes up. He takes a step forward, then another and another, driving Kyuhyun back towards the open glade with every step. ‘Did you have fun, hiding here in the trees and watching me wait for you in this goddamn prison, while I sat here and thought about how much I loved you and how I thought you felt the same way and, like the biggest fool in this world, I just kept on believing that you would come back?’ He stops his advance when they are right in the middle of clearing, Kyuhyun’s heels almost touching the small pile of stones in the centre. ‘Did you enjoy yourself, making me believe you had gone far away while you were right here the whole time, playing with me?!’
‘No, no, hyung! I swear it was nothing like that! I did leave. I only came back six months ago -’
‘Then why didn’t you come?’ shouts Jongwoon, his voice echoing among the silent trees. ‘Why are you here now?’
Kyuhyun takes a step, closing the gap between them. ‘Because, what I thought I was feeling, what I thought could only be lies - I finally saw that it was true all along. It’s real.’
~***~
Dear Jongwoon,
I don’t know where to start.
I am so sorry for leaving like this. I know it will be a year before you read this, but I know that even till then, I’d hate myself for leaving and I would apologise to you every single day in my heart and still it will never be enough.
You know that I’m not much good with words (this is my 8th attempt at writing this letter). But when we meet again in a year, I want you to know why I’m leaving the way I am and I thought a letter would be easier to explain everything.
There are a lot of things I’ve told you about me, some of them secrets I’d once believed I would never share with anyone. I think I surprised myself by how much I found myself trusting you, but you never broke my trust and I kept on sharing my life with you more and more. You were doing the same. And it’s somewhere down that road that I think I realised just how deeply in love I’m falling with you.
But there are also some things I’ve never told you, and one of them is the resolve I made a year ago to never fall in love again.
I’ve never told you about the two people I loved before I met you. I didn’t think I’d have to, because when we first started going out, I never thought I’d fall as deep as I am right now. I didn’t think we’d last.
The first person was a boy I met when I was eighteen. We went to the same school and we shared the same interests. We were young and naive back then, but we promised we’d be together no matter what and I believed in him more than I did in myself. We kept our relationship secret for two years and I thought we could somehow make it. But, both of us being men, he said that society would never agree to our relationship. Nevertheless, he said he loved me and promised to be with me in any case. Barely two months after that, he got married to a girl his family had introduced him to. He was too ashamed of what we had to tell anyone about it or to just come away with me.
The other was a girl I met when I was nearly twenty two. I wasn’t over my previous love when I met her. I was still hurting and angry, but she was kind and gentle and she stood by me. We slowly became friends during the university classes we shared and she took away the pain I was feeling. I found myself falling in love again, this time with who I believed to be the right person. We were together all through University and when I had to come to Seoul for one year, to work as an intern, she told me she loved me and that she’d wait. We kept in contact throughout the whole time I was away, but when I was almost done, she called me one day. Her parents had found out about us and they didn’t approve. They were from a higher social class - her father was a governmental figure - but my family wasn’t and they wanted her to marry the son of a CEO. I asked her to wait, to tell her parents I’d meet with them as soon as I came back to convince them, but by the time I’d finished my internship less than a month later, she’d already got engaged to the rich CEO’s son her parents had chosen for her.
When I fell in love with these two people, I loved them completely with all my heart, the next one more than the last. And they both betrayed me right after saying they loved me. I would have done anything for them, but neither thought I was good enough.
I told myself I was done with it. I didn’t ever want to hurt so badly again and I promised myself I wouldn’t love again. And then a year later, I met you and by the time I realised I’d broken my promise to myself, I was in too deep.
In the beginning, I didn’t think we’d be serious. I was lonely and I was attracted to you when we first met, so when you asked me out, I just said yes. I didn’t think it would be a long-term thing. But the more I knew you, the more I realised I liked you. You felt so different from the people I’ve met and I trusted you more than I thought I should have. I told you more things about myself than I’d ever told anybody. I felt the danger, but I couldn’t pull away.
And then, that day at the cafe, you told me you love me. It’s not something I didn’t know, but I think I subconsciously ignored it before because I was afraid of what it would mean. But I couldn’t ignore it once you’d told me so directly. And it reminded me of the two people who had also once told me they loved me.
And that day, with that single sentence from you, I also realised how deeply I feel about you. You terrify me, Jongwoon. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this deeply about anyone before, and the more I feel, the more it will hurt later.
I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you these past several days. I know I hurt you by pushing you away and keeping my distance, but I also couldn’t just explain it all to you. I couldn’t tell you I was so afraid that you would be the next one to betray me and I don’t think I can take the hurt this time. I think I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.
I’m so sorry for everything, Jongwoon, but I need to go before any more damage is caused and we hurt each other more. I need to leave to figure out my feelings, what I feel for you especially, and I can’t do that when I’m around you, always afraid that you will leave me. I don’t think I’m ready for what we have. The last time I made the mistake of falling in love - it still hurts. I don’t want things to be like that with you. Not ever again.
That’s why I’m leaving for a year. I need to find out what I really want in my heart and get my act together. Hopefully, when I come back, I can give you all the answers. And by then, maybe, we will both know what we want.
I know this is so selfish of me to ask you to wait for me when I’m the one confused and struggling with my feelings, but at the same time, I don’t think I want to let you go, either. So, let me be completely selfish this time and beg you to wait.
By the time you read this, I’ll be back.
Cho Kyuhyun.
~***~
It is a different kind of numbness one feels when he finally finds the answers to the questions he has long harboured about something. Jongwoon slowly lowers the letter to his lap, his eyes far away. The wet snow is soaking through the seat of his pants, but he barely feels the coldness; only the warm presence of Kyuhyun sitting beside him.
In front of them, light snow in falling, some of them into the freshly dug hole around which the stones, previously piled up, lie scattered. The little trowel Kyuhyun had brought with him and used to dig the hole is laid beside it, next to the open tin box - their time capsule. Jongwoon’s letter has also been removed; it is now cradled almost lovingly in Kyuhyun’s hands. He has finished reading earlier, Jongwoon’s letter being only half the length of Kyuhyun’s at the most - he had been unable to think of what to write (not exactly having so many confessions to make like Kyuhyun) and had only written, as sincerely and straightforwardly as he could, about how his feelings for Kyuhyun were true, how Kyuhyun had begun feeling like his home and family, a person he trusted more than anyone, and how none of that would ever change. Kyuhyun is looking down at his scrawled words as if they are the greatest treasures anyone can ever receive.
They sit in silence, Jongwoon still trying to stomach the contents of Kyuhyun’s letter. They explain so much and are slowly alleviating his bitterness towards his old lover, but the letter still does not explain everything.
‘Why didn’t you come back when you said you would?’ His voice comes out hoarse, laced with hurt. ‘It’s been a year and six months since then...’
Kyuhyun finally looks up, but then lowers his eyes again, his cheeks colouring with shame. ‘Because I was afraid,’ he whispers. Jongwoon turns to him and he begins to explain lowly, ‘When I went back to my hometown, I began helping out with my father’s business and I tried to focus only on my own life for a while. I wanted to give thought to us only after I had calmed down and become rational.
‘But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every single day. Everything I wrote in my letter about how I felt - I thought they might fade away if I was away from you. That would’ve made it less hurtful and easier to bear if you were to leave me one day, I thought. But it wasn’t like that at all. I thought of you and missed you so much it hurt and I hated myself for it. However, as the year continued to pass, I realised those feelings were real even if I didn’t want them to be...’
‘But...?’ Jongwoon prompts when Kyuhyun suddenly stops, his head lowered.
‘But ... when the time finally came, I was so in love with you that I didn’t know what I’d do if I came back and you weren’t here. I kept imagining that you’d moved on and found someone else...’
Jongwoon looks away. ‘You didn’t believe what I said to you when you left.’
‘No, no, I did. And I reminded myself of it again and again. But if my fears were to come true, it wouldn’t have been the first or second time for someone to leave me after promises of love. And with you especially, I couldn’t have taken the hurt. I loved you too much and I was too afraid...’
The other looks down expressionlessly at his letter, lying on his lap. ‘You have no idea what you did to me, Kyuhyun.’
‘Hyung.’
‘Do you know what it feels like, being torn between betrayal and hope? It is one thing to know you’ve been cast aside - and, your letter, I’m truly sorry to know you’ve been hurt so badly in the past in such a way - but the pain of not knowing, Kyuhyun? Being left to wonder whether you have been betrayed, but always left with the hope that no, the one you’re waiting for will come back - do you have any idea how that feels like, how much it hurts? How, at the end, you’re just left feeling like a fool and wishing you never fell in love?’
Kyuhyun reaches for him, his voice a whisper, ‘I’m so sorry, Jongwoon hyung.’
‘I can understand now why you needed to leave, Kyuhyun; how you were hurt and why you were afraid,’ Jongwoon looks at the gloved fingers wrapped around his forearm, ‘but what you did to me by not coming back, not even bothering to see if I kept my word - you’re no better.’
There is silence for a moment, broken only by their breathing. The snow flutters around them.
Then, ‘I know,’ Kyuhyun says quietly. ‘I was selfish and thinking of only myself when I left. And I was selfish and still thinking of only myself when I gave into my fears and didn’t come back for another year. And...’ He leans a little forward almost tentatively, ‘I am still the most selfish man on earth for wanting you to accept me and love me, even now.’
Something snaps inside Jongwoon. He does not know what fuels his next action - a mixture of resentment and possessiveness and vengeance and the love he has always harboured for Kyuhyun, perhaps - but he wrenches his arm free of the younger’s hold, grabs his shoulders and pushes him roughly down onto the snow-covered ground.
Kyuhyun’s gasp of shock is lost in Jongwoon’s mouth as he leans over him and ravages his lips, harsh and angry and brutal, tongues sliding and teeth clacking together. Kyuhyun’s arms come about him, holding Jongwoon as jealously to him as Jongwoon holds him. He welcomes the onslaught of Jongwoon’s emotions, the raw passion and angry need to claim him, and Kyuhyun returns them with the same fervour, if not more. When Jongwoon breaks away just as abruptly as how it started, Kyuhyun pulls him back down again, his fervent lips demanding and pleading for everything Jongwoon can give him as Kyuhyun once more familiarises himself with Jongwoon’s taste, the one addictive drug he can never get enough of. Soft moans and heavy breathing fill the clearing and Jongwoon gives into Kyuhyun again, digging his nails into Kyuhyun’s sides under his winter clothing while he claims those inviting lips again and again with wild abandon.
‘So selfish,’ he growls as he pulls away later, his eyes stinging with what he realises are tears. Kyuhyun holds on tighter and reaches up to kiss his throat, moist lips grazing over the cool skin.
‘I know.’
‘I waited for you!’
Kyuhyun pauses, his tongue pressed to Jongwoon’s neck. ‘Yes,’ he answers quietly, hot breath washing over Jongwoon’s skin. ‘I should’ve plucked up the courage and come back sooner. I know that now and I’m so sorry, hyung.’ Closing his eyes, he presses his face to his neck, hugging him closer. ‘I’m sorry I hurt you...’
With a deep breath, Jongwoon sits up, pulling himself out of Kyuhyun’s embrace. The younger man lets go reluctantly.
‘You said you came back to town after another year. It’s been six months since. Why didn’t you come see me earlier?’
Kyuhyun sighs, still lying on the snow. ‘I only got the courage to come back after another year. But then after seeing you, I grew afraid again. Suddenly I could realise how angry you must be and how much you would be hurting. I understood because the people I loved before did the same thing to me. And ... I thought, after all that time and everything that had happened, you might be happier if you didn’t see me, after all. I thought you might’ve moved on.’
Jongwoon wants to both cry and shout at the same time. ‘You...! How could you just assume everything on your own? You should’ve talked to me.’
Kyuhyun squeezes his eyes shut, grimacing with guilt. ‘I know ... I know now. I was an idiot and a coward and I gave into my fears again. But then, I found out that you were still coming here. Every month. And I realised you always came on the tenth.’
‘... How many times did you follow me here?’
‘Quite a few,’ Kyuhyun admits, looking even guiltier. ‘And seeing you here, I began to allow myself to believe that you do still love me. More than I ever dared to hope for. That’s what gave me the courage to come at last. That and to ask for your forgiveness.’ He sits up, facing Jongwoon. ‘I handled everything wrongly. I had my reasons for leaving, but there is no excuse for me breaking my promise. I was an idiot and a coward and I hate myself for hurting you. You told me you loved me and from the beginning you never broke my trust, and I ... I made the biggest mistake of my life. After everything you gave me, I...’
Who was I to make you wait?
Kyuhyun reaches for him tentatively. Jongwoon does not pull away.
‘I know, Jongwoon hyung, that I deserve neither your forgiveness nor your love right now, but,’ Kyuhyun pauses and then boldly leans forward a little. When the older man sits still, wordlessly giving him permission, he presses his lips to Jongwoon’s, which are unresponsive this time. He holds the kiss for a few heartbeats, and then pulls away just so that he can speak, their faces still so close their noses brush together, ‘but I’m still selfish and I love you and I want you and I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you however I can.
‘You once said you’d never give up on us and you never did. Today, I want to say the same thing. I’d give it all to make things work between us again, I’d do anything, but I won’t ever give up on us. And this time, I won’t break my promise and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you ... if you’ll have me.’
’Cause I’m not leaving you anymore.
And Jongwoon knows right away what his answer is, though he does not give it that particular day. Because the wounds and scars are still there, fading but still painful, and Kyuhyun will have to earn his trust and love again (though Jongwoon does of course love him still, more than anyone he’s ever loved).
And Kyuhyun will earn them, slowly and gradually.
There will come a day when Jongwoon will finally believe, without a hint of a doubt, that he will never lose Kyuhyun again. He will hold him close and kiss him like how he used to, and freely tell Kyuhyun how much he loves him. And even throw a water balloon filled with red-dyed water at his head on his birthday. Along with that, there will eventually come the days when Kyuhyun can once more hold Jongwoon’s hand, touch him and hug him and be with him without flares of guilt rising up in his chest; when he can believe that Jongwoon no longer resents him for past mistakes.
But for now, the answer Jongwoon gives is, ‘I forgive you.’
And in return, Kyuhyun says the words he didn’t say when he said goodbye, the words he will repeat everyday from now onwards, ‘...Thank you. I love you, Jongwoon.’
~***~
’You know, that day when you asked if I’d let you go? I wanted you to stay.’
‘And that day in the cafe? I never said it back, but I’ve loved you all along.’
END
A/N: My interpretation of Far Away, in the case of this fic, is that the lyrics are more from Kyuhyun’s POV. But for the narration, I chose Yesung’s POV. I know this fic ended up pretty angsty - AND PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR ALL THE HORRIBLE CHEESE THAT ENSUED AS A RESULT OF RANDOMLY INCLUDING BITS AND PIECES OF THE LYRICS INTO THE PROSE T^T - but I still hope you liked it? 8D?
Pairing: Yesung/Kyuhyun, KyuSung, YeKyu
Genre: Angst, Romance, Fluff
Warnings: AU, slight coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It was a promise broken and a promise kept. But for how long can one keep holding on to such a promise?
Part One
WHAT IS LOVE, IF NOT MADNESS? PART TWO
Yunho and Changmin give up on talking to Jongwoon about the past. Instead, they try to focus on more normal everyday things. They visit the cafe often and include him in their plans to hang out at their normal rendezvous spots.
Jongwoon is glad and goes with their flow. He appreciates having his friends still with him, seeing how much they care, and he slowly but surely begins to act more like his old self around them. He may still be hurting, but Jongwoon has gradually come to realise that life is still ongoing and that he needs to focus on the other things that also make up his life.
His friends are relieved to see the improvement. They do not comment, but their gladness is apparent.
Jongwoon had not actually abandoned any part of his old life after Kyuhyun left, despite the loss of his happiness. He had continued to manage the cafe with Jongjin, doing his work meticulously. Only his enthusiasm had taken a beating. It slowly builds up again as Jongwoon starts pushing thoughts of Kyuhyun away during work hours, occupying his mind with coffee and flavours and food and recipes for new tastes. The old memories come back again when he is free, of course, but it is a relief to be let off from them for a little while every day.
Jongjin notices the improvement as well, but he also chooses to keep his silence. Instead, he approaches Jongwoon with suggestions for opening a second branch of their cafe, hiring more staff, and ideas for new menus. With his older brother recovering a bit (at least during busy work hours), it has become easier to discuss these topics that Jongwoon had previously not put much heart in.
It is blissful, feeling a sense of normalcy coming back into his life. That is not to say he does not think of Kyuhyun everyday - he does - or that he is no longer waiting for him - he still is - but at least, he can feel bits and pieces of happiness coming back to him every now and then.
Within a few months of this, his friends and brother are a lot more joyful and Jongwoon decides he has been coping well lately. He is still haunted by Kyuhyun in his dreams and waking thoughts when his mind is idle, but he has learned to take reprieves from it by enjoying the company of his friends and his work while at the cafe. Even in his heart he knows he is feeling better in comparison to the past couple of years. He feels healthier, mentally and physically.
It is during this happier period that, one night at the cafe about an hour before closing time, his brother nudges him in the direction of the back table and hisses with a conspiratorial grin,
‘Want me to set you two up?’
Jongwoon almost drops the coffee pot he is holding. ‘What?!’
‘She is here again. And completely unable to take her eyes off you.’ Jongjin winks.
That is the moment when Jongwoon feels like the little sanity he has worked back into his life is about to go down the drain again. He has come face to face with the challenge of making it official that he has moved on from Kyuhyun. The ultimate leap - he will not be allowed to look back if takes this step.
And yet, faced with this girl - a regular customer that, until his brother had pointed out, Jongwoon had not realised was attracted to him - he finds himself on a precipice that he cannot bring himself to leap from. He has talked to her before on numerous occasions while he served her and has even thought her to be a nice and lovely young woman, with a ready smile on her face and friendliness in her words when she would shyly try to make small talk with him - but he cannot see himself making that jump to accept her into his life. He tries to imagine dating her, spending time together, learning about each other and, maybe one day, making things real between them.
A new relationship. A new chance. A new life.
But all he can see right then is Kyuhyun, what things had been like with him, what it had felt like being with him. And he realises within that second that it is hopeless. His heart is not ready for this, not yet. It will not be fair, neither to himself nor to this girl, who is innocent and ready to love, not tainted by the hurt of betrayal and heartbroken like Jongwoon.
In the end, nothing comes of it and Jongjin looks perceptively at his brother as he states, not quite accusingly but not kindly either,
‘You’re still waiting for him.’
Jongwoon does not refute him.
‘Hyung ... this can’t go on.’
He sighs. ‘I know.’
~***~
During the first year after Kyuhyun left, Jongwoon had gone back to the clearing once a month - always on the tenth, for it had been on the tenth of July that they had said their good bye - because he had missed him so much that it literally hurt at times. In the clearing, he had felt a little closer to Kyuhyun. He would spend a few hours sitting by the little pile of stones, counting the months, weeks and days left to their reunion.
Kyuhyun had not even told him where he would be going.
During the second year, after the promise had been broken, he had continued to go back to the clearing - but this time, he did not know for what reason. There had been no point; Kyuhyun had not come back. The clearing had felt empty and cold; it no longer held the feeling of Kyuhyun’s presence.
Still, Jongwoon had gone and he had waited and, despite how many times he had told himself otherwise, there was still that faith in his heart; that inexplicable trust, that belief that the promise would be fulfilled.
He could not forget how real and sincere being with Kyuhyun had felt back when they had been together. The long time they had spent with each other, the memories they had created, the lives they had shared and the hidden pieces of their souls they had bared to each other. How could it all have been a lie?
Nor could he forget their last few memories. The way Kyuhyun had kissed him in front of his apartment, the look in his eyes when he promised he would come back...
‘It was real,’ he would mutter to himself, but his would heart sink again and again whenever he entered a clearing devoid of Kyuhyun, leaving Jongwoon to wonder if he was being the biggest fool.
~***~
It has been exactly two years and six months since Jongwoon and Kyuhyun had separated. He dresses up warmly - because it is a white winter this year - before going to the cafe where Jongjin assures him that he can hold down the fort until Jongwoon comes back. With a nod of thanks, he leaves.
It is his last trip to the clearing. It has taken eighteen months for Jongwoon to give up and let go, to accept that he has been left behind and that he should get up on his feet again and move forward; but the moment is here now and Jongwoon sets out to the clearing for the final time.
Because, unlike Kyuhyun, Jongwoon has the decency to say goodbye properly.
Half an hour after Jongwoon leaves, Yunho comes charging through the cafe doors, searching desperately for him. His face falls when Jongjin tells him it will take a few hours before his brother comes back.
‘Why, what’s wrong?’
‘Changmin just called me. He saw that bastard in town earlier today.’
Silence falls between them and they just stare at each other, frozen, the cheerful sounds and warmth of the cafe fading to a cold silence in their ears.
‘What?’ Jongjin finally breathes, his eyes wide.
‘Yeah. And he talked to him ... apparently he’s been in town for more than half a year already.’
They know what the other is thinking: why the bastard in question has never approached Jongwoon in all the time he has been back; why he left Jongwoon to drown in hurt and betrayal while he watched from the sidelines.
‘I should just go and kill him right now.’
A sigh and then a shake of the head. ‘No. This isn’t our business ... Only Jongwoon hyung and Kyuhyun can fix this.’
~***~
If Jongwoon has thought that he has felt all the bitterness of love and all the unfairness that comes with it, he has clearly underestimated the full injustice of it all.
For what is it, if not injustice in its purest form, that Cho Kyuhyun is waiting for him in the middle of the clearing when Jongwoon enters it that day, with no other intention than to say goodbye and leave Kyuhyun behind forever?
He falters in his step, stops at the edge of the trees and gawks at the sight his eyes behold, feeling as if his legs will give out while his heart tries to leap out of his ribcage, pounding with shock and gladness and anger and love and bitterness and joy and hurt. It is one of those momentous occasions when it feels like every single emotion you have ever felt are coming together to clash in a tumultuous fury, leaving behind nothing but a sense of numbness, as if your heart has been hollowed out and emptied.
Kyuhyun is looking right at him, solid and real for all appearances, as he waits for Jongwoon. His posture is stiff and tense; and yet, with his arms hanging defencelessly at his sides and his eyes open and unclouded - even from that distance, Jongwoon can read every single emotion in them; the nervousness and concern; and the guilt ... the shame - he has never looked more vulnerable. He is open to whatever onslaught he will receive from Jongwoon now, deserving as he is of it, and he waits for the older man to make the first move.
The silence drags on, their breaths coming out as white puffs while the cold winter air hums around them, crackling with the tension between them.
And then Jongwoon is turning on his heel and stalking right back the way he came, his throat clogged up and his heart clenching, assaulted from head to toe with the old pain of how Kyuhyun had betrayed him. This time, the renewed assault is tenfold more agonising and bitter.
What right does Kyuhyun have to be here, now, when it is Jongwoon’s turn to say goodbye?
‘Hyung...!’
There is the unmistakeable sound of snow crunching underfoot and then, before Jongwoon can react, Kyuhyun has run up behind him. Arms come around his torso, holding him back, and Jongwoon feels a body - too painfully familiar - press up against his back. Kyuhyun’s face is buried at the nape of his neck and puffs of hot breath heat up his skin as Kyuhyun whispers, stumbling over the words,
‘Jongwoon hyung, please ... I ... I know that...’ A shaky breath and his arms tighten. ‘But please, please don’t go just yet. Wait...’
But it is Kyuhyun who had said he had to go. And it is Kyuhyun who had kept him waiting and waiting and waiting. And now...?
Jongwoon has never hated Kyuhyun so much as he does in that moment.
With a hiss, he breaks away from the desperate embrace, every bit of the hurt, bitterness and anger that have been building up inside him breaking free at Kyuhyun’s plea.
‘Don’t! Just don’t.’ He turns around to face his old lover, eyes blazing. ‘How did you even know I’d be here?’
Kyuhyun almost reaches for him again, thinks better of it, and lets his arms drop. ‘Because you always came here.’
It takes what seems like forever for Jongwoon to comprehend the meaning behind his cryptic reply, and suddenly, it feels like his heart is breaking all over again. There is only one way how Kyuhyun could have known that Jongwoon always came back to this clearing, every month, without fail.
‘Was it amusing?’ He hates how his voice breaks, how he chokes up. He takes a step forward, then another and another, driving Kyuhyun back towards the open glade with every step. ‘Did you have fun, hiding here in the trees and watching me wait for you in this goddamn prison, while I sat here and thought about how much I loved you and how I thought you felt the same way and, like the biggest fool in this world, I just kept on believing that you would come back?’ He stops his advance when they are right in the middle of clearing, Kyuhyun’s heels almost touching the small pile of stones in the centre. ‘Did you enjoy yourself, making me believe you had gone far away while you were right here the whole time, playing with me?!’
‘No, no, hyung! I swear it was nothing like that! I did leave. I only came back six months ago -’
‘Then why didn’t you come?’ shouts Jongwoon, his voice echoing among the silent trees. ‘Why are you here now?’
Kyuhyun takes a step, closing the gap between them. ‘Because, what I thought I was feeling, what I thought could only be lies - I finally saw that it was true all along. It’s real.’
~***~
Dear Jongwoon,
I don’t know where to start.
I am so sorry for leaving like this. I know it will be a year before you read this, but I know that even till then, I’d hate myself for leaving and I would apologise to you every single day in my heart and still it will never be enough.
You know that I’m not much good with words (this is my 8th attempt at writing this letter). But when we meet again in a year, I want you to know why I’m leaving the way I am and I thought a letter would be easier to explain everything.
There are a lot of things I’ve told you about me, some of them secrets I’d once believed I would never share with anyone. I think I surprised myself by how much I found myself trusting you, but you never broke my trust and I kept on sharing my life with you more and more. You were doing the same. And it’s somewhere down that road that I think I realised just how deeply in love I’m falling with you.
But there are also some things I’ve never told you, and one of them is the resolve I made a year ago to never fall in love again.
I’ve never told you about the two people I loved before I met you. I didn’t think I’d have to, because when we first started going out, I never thought I’d fall as deep as I am right now. I didn’t think we’d last.
The first person was a boy I met when I was eighteen. We went to the same school and we shared the same interests. We were young and naive back then, but we promised we’d be together no matter what and I believed in him more than I did in myself. We kept our relationship secret for two years and I thought we could somehow make it. But, both of us being men, he said that society would never agree to our relationship. Nevertheless, he said he loved me and promised to be with me in any case. Barely two months after that, he got married to a girl his family had introduced him to. He was too ashamed of what we had to tell anyone about it or to just come away with me.
The other was a girl I met when I was nearly twenty two. I wasn’t over my previous love when I met her. I was still hurting and angry, but she was kind and gentle and she stood by me. We slowly became friends during the university classes we shared and she took away the pain I was feeling. I found myself falling in love again, this time with who I believed to be the right person. We were together all through University and when I had to come to Seoul for one year, to work as an intern, she told me she loved me and that she’d wait. We kept in contact throughout the whole time I was away, but when I was almost done, she called me one day. Her parents had found out about us and they didn’t approve. They were from a higher social class - her father was a governmental figure - but my family wasn’t and they wanted her to marry the son of a CEO. I asked her to wait, to tell her parents I’d meet with them as soon as I came back to convince them, but by the time I’d finished my internship less than a month later, she’d already got engaged to the rich CEO’s son her parents had chosen for her.
When I fell in love with these two people, I loved them completely with all my heart, the next one more than the last. And they both betrayed me right after saying they loved me. I would have done anything for them, but neither thought I was good enough.
I told myself I was done with it. I didn’t ever want to hurt so badly again and I promised myself I wouldn’t love again. And then a year later, I met you and by the time I realised I’d broken my promise to myself, I was in too deep.
In the beginning, I didn’t think we’d be serious. I was lonely and I was attracted to you when we first met, so when you asked me out, I just said yes. I didn’t think it would be a long-term thing. But the more I knew you, the more I realised I liked you. You felt so different from the people I’ve met and I trusted you more than I thought I should have. I told you more things about myself than I’d ever told anybody. I felt the danger, but I couldn’t pull away.
And then, that day at the cafe, you told me you love me. It’s not something I didn’t know, but I think I subconsciously ignored it before because I was afraid of what it would mean. But I couldn’t ignore it once you’d told me so directly. And it reminded me of the two people who had also once told me they loved me.
And that day, with that single sentence from you, I also realised how deeply I feel about you. You terrify me, Jongwoon. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this deeply about anyone before, and the more I feel, the more it will hurt later.
I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you these past several days. I know I hurt you by pushing you away and keeping my distance, but I also couldn’t just explain it all to you. I couldn’t tell you I was so afraid that you would be the next one to betray me and I don’t think I can take the hurt this time. I think I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.
I’m so sorry for everything, Jongwoon, but I need to go before any more damage is caused and we hurt each other more. I need to leave to figure out my feelings, what I feel for you especially, and I can’t do that when I’m around you, always afraid that you will leave me. I don’t think I’m ready for what we have. The last time I made the mistake of falling in love - it still hurts. I don’t want things to be like that with you. Not ever again.
That’s why I’m leaving for a year. I need to find out what I really want in my heart and get my act together. Hopefully, when I come back, I can give you all the answers. And by then, maybe, we will both know what we want.
I know this is so selfish of me to ask you to wait for me when I’m the one confused and struggling with my feelings, but at the same time, I don’t think I want to let you go, either. So, let me be completely selfish this time and beg you to wait.
By the time you read this, I’ll be back.
Cho Kyuhyun.
~***~
It is a different kind of numbness one feels when he finally finds the answers to the questions he has long harboured about something. Jongwoon slowly lowers the letter to his lap, his eyes far away. The wet snow is soaking through the seat of his pants, but he barely feels the coldness; only the warm presence of Kyuhyun sitting beside him.
In front of them, light snow in falling, some of them into the freshly dug hole around which the stones, previously piled up, lie scattered. The little trowel Kyuhyun had brought with him and used to dig the hole is laid beside it, next to the open tin box - their time capsule. Jongwoon’s letter has also been removed; it is now cradled almost lovingly in Kyuhyun’s hands. He has finished reading earlier, Jongwoon’s letter being only half the length of Kyuhyun’s at the most - he had been unable to think of what to write (not exactly having so many confessions to make like Kyuhyun) and had only written, as sincerely and straightforwardly as he could, about how his feelings for Kyuhyun were true, how Kyuhyun had begun feeling like his home and family, a person he trusted more than anyone, and how none of that would ever change. Kyuhyun is looking down at his scrawled words as if they are the greatest treasures anyone can ever receive.
They sit in silence, Jongwoon still trying to stomach the contents of Kyuhyun’s letter. They explain so much and are slowly alleviating his bitterness towards his old lover, but the letter still does not explain everything.
‘Why didn’t you come back when you said you would?’ His voice comes out hoarse, laced with hurt. ‘It’s been a year and six months since then...’
Kyuhyun finally looks up, but then lowers his eyes again, his cheeks colouring with shame. ‘Because I was afraid,’ he whispers. Jongwoon turns to him and he begins to explain lowly, ‘When I went back to my hometown, I began helping out with my father’s business and I tried to focus only on my own life for a while. I wanted to give thought to us only after I had calmed down and become rational.
‘But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every single day. Everything I wrote in my letter about how I felt - I thought they might fade away if I was away from you. That would’ve made it less hurtful and easier to bear if you were to leave me one day, I thought. But it wasn’t like that at all. I thought of you and missed you so much it hurt and I hated myself for it. However, as the year continued to pass, I realised those feelings were real even if I didn’t want them to be...’
‘But...?’ Jongwoon prompts when Kyuhyun suddenly stops, his head lowered.
‘But ... when the time finally came, I was so in love with you that I didn’t know what I’d do if I came back and you weren’t here. I kept imagining that you’d moved on and found someone else...’
Jongwoon looks away. ‘You didn’t believe what I said to you when you left.’
‘No, no, I did. And I reminded myself of it again and again. But if my fears were to come true, it wouldn’t have been the first or second time for someone to leave me after promises of love. And with you especially, I couldn’t have taken the hurt. I loved you too much and I was too afraid...’
The other looks down expressionlessly at his letter, lying on his lap. ‘You have no idea what you did to me, Kyuhyun.’
‘Hyung.’
‘Do you know what it feels like, being torn between betrayal and hope? It is one thing to know you’ve been cast aside - and, your letter, I’m truly sorry to know you’ve been hurt so badly in the past in such a way - but the pain of not knowing, Kyuhyun? Being left to wonder whether you have been betrayed, but always left with the hope that no, the one you’re waiting for will come back - do you have any idea how that feels like, how much it hurts? How, at the end, you’re just left feeling like a fool and wishing you never fell in love?’
Kyuhyun reaches for him, his voice a whisper, ‘I’m so sorry, Jongwoon hyung.’
‘I can understand now why you needed to leave, Kyuhyun; how you were hurt and why you were afraid,’ Jongwoon looks at the gloved fingers wrapped around his forearm, ‘but what you did to me by not coming back, not even bothering to see if I kept my word - you’re no better.’
There is silence for a moment, broken only by their breathing. The snow flutters around them.
Then, ‘I know,’ Kyuhyun says quietly. ‘I was selfish and thinking of only myself when I left. And I was selfish and still thinking of only myself when I gave into my fears and didn’t come back for another year. And...’ He leans a little forward almost tentatively, ‘I am still the most selfish man on earth for wanting you to accept me and love me, even now.’
Something snaps inside Jongwoon. He does not know what fuels his next action - a mixture of resentment and possessiveness and vengeance and the love he has always harboured for Kyuhyun, perhaps - but he wrenches his arm free of the younger’s hold, grabs his shoulders and pushes him roughly down onto the snow-covered ground.
Kyuhyun’s gasp of shock is lost in Jongwoon’s mouth as he leans over him and ravages his lips, harsh and angry and brutal, tongues sliding and teeth clacking together. Kyuhyun’s arms come about him, holding Jongwoon as jealously to him as Jongwoon holds him. He welcomes the onslaught of Jongwoon’s emotions, the raw passion and angry need to claim him, and Kyuhyun returns them with the same fervour, if not more. When Jongwoon breaks away just as abruptly as how it started, Kyuhyun pulls him back down again, his fervent lips demanding and pleading for everything Jongwoon can give him as Kyuhyun once more familiarises himself with Jongwoon’s taste, the one addictive drug he can never get enough of. Soft moans and heavy breathing fill the clearing and Jongwoon gives into Kyuhyun again, digging his nails into Kyuhyun’s sides under his winter clothing while he claims those inviting lips again and again with wild abandon.
‘So selfish,’ he growls as he pulls away later, his eyes stinging with what he realises are tears. Kyuhyun holds on tighter and reaches up to kiss his throat, moist lips grazing over the cool skin.
‘I know.’
‘I waited for you!’
Kyuhyun pauses, his tongue pressed to Jongwoon’s neck. ‘Yes,’ he answers quietly, hot breath washing over Jongwoon’s skin. ‘I should’ve plucked up the courage and come back sooner. I know that now and I’m so sorry, hyung.’ Closing his eyes, he presses his face to his neck, hugging him closer. ‘I’m sorry I hurt you...’
With a deep breath, Jongwoon sits up, pulling himself out of Kyuhyun’s embrace. The younger man lets go reluctantly.
‘You said you came back to town after another year. It’s been six months since. Why didn’t you come see me earlier?’
Kyuhyun sighs, still lying on the snow. ‘I only got the courage to come back after another year. But then after seeing you, I grew afraid again. Suddenly I could realise how angry you must be and how much you would be hurting. I understood because the people I loved before did the same thing to me. And ... I thought, after all that time and everything that had happened, you might be happier if you didn’t see me, after all. I thought you might’ve moved on.’
Jongwoon wants to both cry and shout at the same time. ‘You...! How could you just assume everything on your own? You should’ve talked to me.’
Kyuhyun squeezes his eyes shut, grimacing with guilt. ‘I know ... I know now. I was an idiot and a coward and I gave into my fears again. But then, I found out that you were still coming here. Every month. And I realised you always came on the tenth.’
‘... How many times did you follow me here?’
‘Quite a few,’ Kyuhyun admits, looking even guiltier. ‘And seeing you here, I began to allow myself to believe that you do still love me. More than I ever dared to hope for. That’s what gave me the courage to come at last. That and to ask for your forgiveness.’ He sits up, facing Jongwoon. ‘I handled everything wrongly. I had my reasons for leaving, but there is no excuse for me breaking my promise. I was an idiot and a coward and I hate myself for hurting you. You told me you loved me and from the beginning you never broke my trust, and I ... I made the biggest mistake of my life. After everything you gave me, I...’
Who was I to make you wait?
Kyuhyun reaches for him tentatively. Jongwoon does not pull away.
‘I know, Jongwoon hyung, that I deserve neither your forgiveness nor your love right now, but,’ Kyuhyun pauses and then boldly leans forward a little. When the older man sits still, wordlessly giving him permission, he presses his lips to Jongwoon’s, which are unresponsive this time. He holds the kiss for a few heartbeats, and then pulls away just so that he can speak, their faces still so close their noses brush together, ‘but I’m still selfish and I love you and I want you and I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you however I can.
‘You once said you’d never give up on us and you never did. Today, I want to say the same thing. I’d give it all to make things work between us again, I’d do anything, but I won’t ever give up on us. And this time, I won’t break my promise and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you ... if you’ll have me.’
’Cause I’m not leaving you anymore.
And Jongwoon knows right away what his answer is, though he does not give it that particular day. Because the wounds and scars are still there, fading but still painful, and Kyuhyun will have to earn his trust and love again (though Jongwoon does of course love him still, more than anyone he’s ever loved).
And Kyuhyun will earn them, slowly and gradually.
There will come a day when Jongwoon will finally believe, without a hint of a doubt, that he will never lose Kyuhyun again. He will hold him close and kiss him like how he used to, and freely tell Kyuhyun how much he loves him. And even throw a water balloon filled with red-dyed water at his head on his birthday. Along with that, there will eventually come the days when Kyuhyun can once more hold Jongwoon’s hand, touch him and hug him and be with him without flares of guilt rising up in his chest; when he can believe that Jongwoon no longer resents him for past mistakes.
But for now, the answer Jongwoon gives is, ‘I forgive you.’
And in return, Kyuhyun says the words he didn’t say when he said goodbye, the words he will repeat everyday from now onwards, ‘...Thank you. I love you, Jongwoon.’
~***~
’You know, that day when you asked if I’d let you go? I wanted you to stay.’
‘And that day in the cafe? I never said it back, but I’ve loved you all along.’
END
A/N: My interpretation of Far Away, in the case of this fic, is that the lyrics are more from Kyuhyun’s POV. But for the narration, I chose Yesung’s POV. I know this fic ended up pretty angsty - AND PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR ALL THE HORRIBLE CHEESE THAT ENSUED AS A RESULT OF RANDOMLY INCLUDING BITS AND PIECES OF THE LYRICS INTO THE PROSE T^T - but I still hope you liked it? 8D?