(no subject)
terrifying dream and other realizations
last night i was sleeping happily, engaged in a comfortable dream. something non-descript that involved one of my close friends in my house. we were practicing (yoga), and she went into the kitchen. for some reason, i went to look for her, and the back door was open. my ex-husband was standing there, just outside the door, without a shirt, holding a gun. and, as though my dream had its own soundtrack, there was grating sound that rose in pitch suddenly, and i woke up...
my ex-husband terrifies me. mostly because he appears so harmless. so sweet. so passive. his dark side is entirely unrecognized by most, and i refused to see for years. and, even though by all external evaluations, he was the perfect husband, i eventually stopped averting my eyes to what was hidden deep below the surface.
and although i don’t think for a moment that my ex will come hunt me down, i usually don’t have dreams that vivid. and every time i do, they come true in some weird way. i dreamt of fire the night golden west went up in flames. i dreamt specifically of several people before i had ever met them. i’ve had dreams about situations that would have been thought impossible at the time, but, 2 or 3 years later, played out exactly like the dream. dozens of times. so when i have a dream this terrifying and vivid, i take notice. at least, i won’t be leaving my backdoor open any time soon.
...i was speaking with my friend the other day. she, like myself, and so many of my other girl friends, has just been through a difficult break-up. it seems we’ve all stayed in painful relationships way too long. holding on to that incredibly addictive hook of being loved. we have all averted our eyes from what was so plainly there. i did that in my marriage, and i did it again in my last relationship. i was willing to make excuses to myself about the rarity of finding love and the good qualities in a person outweighing the bad. really, neither of those is true. love isn’t rare - it’s precious, and it has a short shelf-life most of the time. but it isn’t rare. and things that hurt shouldn’t be accepted, no matter what other qualities are present. ever. we should be allowed to decide if something works for us at any time, for any reason. there should be no compromises on physical and emotional safety in a relationship. i shouldn’t have to "work with someone" when they’re doing something that hurts me. i should just leave. i can work with someone about doing the dishes, or planning finances, or disciplining children, or choosing a vacation. those are appropriate compromises. but one should never have to just accept a behavior that causes them pain just to be allowed to continue the relationship. that’s not healthy. and no one else in the world can decide what will make me feel safe in a relationship. i might be more lax on some things and more open on others, but, really, that’s my choice. and someone who tries to make me feel like i’m crazy when i’m clearly stating my own needs and discomfort is not really someone who loves me in the first place.
i have a most amazing life, with friends that i love so dearly, and so so so much to do that is incredibly fun and nourishing. if someone is to enter my life, even for just a day, then that interaction has to be pretty awesome to be worth diverting my time from everything else. i’m certainly not going to avert my eyes any more from hurtful behavior just to avoid being Alone or Without. i’ve come to realize that being alone is wonderful. solitude is at least as appealing to me as a vacation on the beach. totally not exagerrating. and i am not currently without anything i need. in fact, i’d say i’m extravagantly blessed.