after all is said and done
So it's Monday again. Wow.
Somehow it just doesn't feel like a Monday. Feels more like a Wednesday- maybe because I'm not irritated, or because I actually woke up this morning feeling like I hadn't just gone to sleep minutes before that. Kinda nice, although it'd be nicer if I dreamed once in a while. I miss dreaming. That was kind of fun, remembering dreams I have and shit like that.
I got three new books that I traded for The Joy Luck Club with Christina, so now she's going to read that and I'm reading the three she lent me.
I love being friends with someone who reads as much as I do. Makes for some long conversations and the like.
The one I'm reading now is one she says reminds her of us, and she's right- the two people in the book are just like us. One is loud and alive and carefree and the other is kind of reserved and only sometimes loud or alive, most of the time worrying about this or that and generally being the adult-ish one in the relationship and missing out on being a teenager.
I was just thinking about the different sides of a person that some people can bring out.
Like me.
I like the person I am when I'm with Christina most of the time, the loud funny person who always has some really weird thing to say and isn't afraid to talk to strangers (most of the time) and can hang with the best of them, etc. The strong free person.
I like who I am with Lyle, too. With him I'm more like the protective person, the security- the place you run to for comfort and kindness and love, that kind of thing.
And I love both those people....but it's strange because those two people are two completely different people, but they're both me.
So how does that work? Why am I not strong and smart and brilliant and alive and brave and beautiful all the time, all at once, instead of just with one person or another?
Hm.
So I might be getting a job. I'll find out soon enough.
(there i go being the adult-ish person)
I think I'll clean my room today. It looks like I blasted it apart AGAIN. I swear I don't know how this keeps happening to my room. One minute it's ultra pristine and smells fairly okay and the next day I wake up to a mountain of clean laundry I should have folded weeks ago and strange dirty-socks smells that I can't get rid of and bits of paper and cardboard and right now, a large plastic bowl of large leaves that I need to soak again and cords and books and my guitar and just ugh.
sometimes my room makes me picture a tornado of a person living in it, constantly changing, someone who blazes through life leaving stunned people in his wake who never really know what hit them but always remember him afterwards.
I like that idea of myself.
I want to be remembered wherever I go. I want to be important like that, to do something that makes a difference so great that people write about me and think of me and remember me for centuries or just a day, some poem I wrote or photograph I took or some nice thing I did or something brave or cool or funny, just something amazing.
I want to be amazing.
In a giant proportion kind of way. I don't want to be good, I want to be fucking amazing; I don't want to be special, I want to be IT, as in with no real comparison....I don't want to be intelligent, I want to be a genius.
I want
to mean
everything- E V E R Y T H I N G
to someone.
to everyone.
be addicted to me.
be amazed, inspired, touched, moved by me.
be in awe of me.
be desirous of me.
Come on. You know you want to.