into the rush now (you don't have to know how)
It's just about to be midnight now, and you've been gone some two or three hours now. I'm not entirely certain.
I'm cold.
I'm a little sleepy.
I miss you.
I fought some more with Jamie, then called and we talked a little about his new guy (and you) and then he called me a jerk and I hung up and he called me a jerk again.
Being friends with someone should not be this damned impossible.
Cops and criminals? XD. That was quite strange and a wee bit kinky. I wonder whether I'd have slipped into bed beside you.
It's almost strange, us being together again. It's like, I knew it would happen, but I didn't know it would happen.
And it did happen
and now I'm right back inside that little world, where I sleep and I smile and I wait for you.
(Of course, in the meantime I have to clean my room and go to school and eat and bathe and you know, boring things like that. XD)
I wonder what it will be like years from now.
What does it take for a relationship to stand the test of years and years? Do the people in it have to continually sacrifice, or keep space between them? Do you just not think about it and then one day look at each other and think "Oh, hey, we're still together. Whoo hoo." ?
If I had ever known a couple who had stayed together a number of years I could ask them.
I wouldn't ask my sister's grandparents. Their relationship is exactly the sort I wouldn't want- sprung from pregnancy, held together by only the fact that neither believes in divorce or in passion. They're together because it's the way they believe marriage should be- forever, whether or not you actually love the person or feel anything for them. They sleep in the same bed and eat together and stuff but their marriage just seems to be so...empty...to me. So lacking in everything I want in a relationship.
Like what I have with you. I want it to stay like this for years, years and years....
maybe even having to help you down the stairs with our matching canes
maybe feeding you dinner (not because you can't but because I want to), one snowy night by a fire with tea and marshmallows, remember that?
spraying you with water from the sink while cleaning the dinner dishes
getting food in my hair because I tried to kiss you while you were eating
your stern little frowns at me because i'm still awake at three in the morning typing away at that damned book.
do you remember the joke we had about how we'd be playing bridge with the other old couples, and playing footsie under the table with orthopedic shoes and all the old ladies would give us these really nasty looks because we couldn't keep our hands off each other even in our old age?
"you know why he got that hip replacement, don't you?"
"oh, yes, of course i know, the dirty old coots." /gossipgossiphiss
They'll all be so jealous.
Someday, I want to play in the snow with you.
- rake leaves with you and then dive into them and then K will come running outside and be all squawky sternness and then dive in with us
- sit on the bank of the Mississippi on the Fourth of July and watch the fireworks with you
- leave little notes on your pillow for you to find when I'm at work or out getting groceries/books/film or something, and think of you smiling when you read them
- tend to your blisters from a hard day's work in the garden and then let you tend to mine from my clumsy attempts to help
-bathe you when you're sick and wash your hair and wrap you nice and warm in fluffy towels and dress you in pajamas and feed you soup (or just bathe you because I can)
- make Christmas cards for K and T and have to peel things off your bum because you got them glued on your skirt AGAIN
- shake my head at you and smile because you just had to have that one skirt and those stripy socks you saw even though you totally have a pair like that at home....yes you do, don't give me that look.
- grumble at you because you decided to braid my hair at the exact moment when my favorite show started and grr this will take forever -_-
-lots of other cute little things and cute big things and things that just....make me love you more and more every day.
I don't want this to ever go away again.
You said that it takes two of us to build it together, that I can't do it all on my own.
I really hope I can learn to stop trying to carry the entire world on my shoulders.
Will you teach me to let go? To ask for help? To accept help when it's offered to me?
Teach me to love you like you deserve?
How to make you smile and laugh?
What to do when you're sad, when you're upset or scared?
I know some things about those things, but not everything, and I'd like you to teach me.
Please try to be patient, because I'm not very good at it.
I know I can be a serious drag, or a handful, or a giant frustration to the point where you want to stick a fork in my head and be done with it, but I promise....I can be worth it sometimes. I'm not a bad person, and it's because of you that I know it.
<3. I want to continue to earn the title of 'hubby'.
Because I think that it's a special word between us.
Like lily is.
Like tiggs and snug and chomple and every other little word we have that just means we've been around each other too long (and will continue to be)....
I'm going to draw a warm bath for you sometime, and fill it with bubbles and little tea candles around the tub.
I'll undress you, and settle you in the water, and sit beside the tub while you soak and read you poetry quietly so that you relax and close your eyes and abandon every stress and worry long enough to be swept into the special place in yourself where nothing is ever wrong. If you don't have that place we'll find it.
and while you're listening, I'll wash you carefully and rinse the soap from your skin and let you soak some more.
and just as you're growing sleepy I'll wrap you in a towel in my arms and drain the tub and carry you to bed, dress you in your favorite pajamas and tuck you in warm and safe beside me.
Don't worry about how bad you sleep or what murders your nightmare teeth commit on pillows.
If you kick me I'm going to kick you back.
And if you fall I'll pick you up and make sure you're okay, and sing you to sleep again or simply hold you until you feel better.
We can drink tea at four in the morning just because you don't want to be up alone.
:: smiles now :: this is where my heart and your heart find their coincidence... where they meet and merge and flow.
and so do we, with them.