stranded behind the horizon line
i dreamed of them.
we were on a bed in a large room and i was asleep. i woke up and they were making love behind me. and i just stared; at first i could not process it, and it took a very long time to understand what was causing me to feel angry. it finally clicked toward the end of the dream after i said something aloud-- i said "i thought you said he couldn't fit? you sure seem to be having no problem now." and mary gave me this smug look, just watching me while he continued to slide in and out of her, not noticing me in the least. she just kept that bland smile and watched me and i thought, i've lost the last thing i had to myself.
but what made me angry was what i thought next (what i thought expressed the thing that i felt angry about, that is): that i had begged them over and over not to fuck when i'm in the room because being near people having sex freaks me out for unknown reasons. and i glared at them for a second and started to climb out of bed with something in my arms (a blanket?) and troy lifted his head and said "if you want to be made love to, you should...vocalize it." and i just glared at him and i was in the process of saying "that is not even what the fuck i'm upset about" but i woke up.
i have that horrible wrenching in my stomach again. i'm tired from crying this morning and it's hot and freezing in here at the same time.
playing john mayer on repeat is a comfort, and so is swallowing hard and staring at the wall and telling myself that it was just a dream...at least until i remember that the vast majority of my dreams like that manifest themselves, one way or another, in reality.
on the other hand.
this song is making me feel much, much better, and this is yet another reason i love john mayer; there is almost no pain that listening to him for long enough cannot soothe.
we were on a bed in a large room and i was asleep. i woke up and they were making love behind me. and i just stared; at first i could not process it, and it took a very long time to understand what was causing me to feel angry. it finally clicked toward the end of the dream after i said something aloud-- i said "i thought you said he couldn't fit? you sure seem to be having no problem now." and mary gave me this smug look, just watching me while he continued to slide in and out of her, not noticing me in the least. she just kept that bland smile and watched me and i thought, i've lost the last thing i had to myself.
but what made me angry was what i thought next (what i thought expressed the thing that i felt angry about, that is): that i had begged them over and over not to fuck when i'm in the room because being near people having sex freaks me out for unknown reasons. and i glared at them for a second and started to climb out of bed with something in my arms (a blanket?) and troy lifted his head and said "if you want to be made love to, you should...vocalize it." and i just glared at him and i was in the process of saying "that is not even what the fuck i'm upset about" but i woke up.
i have that horrible wrenching in my stomach again. i'm tired from crying this morning and it's hot and freezing in here at the same time.
playing john mayer on repeat is a comfort, and so is swallowing hard and staring at the wall and telling myself that it was just a dream...at least until i remember that the vast majority of my dreams like that manifest themselves, one way or another, in reality.
on the other hand.
this song is making me feel much, much better, and this is yet another reason i love john mayer; there is almost no pain that listening to him for long enough cannot soothe.