you know i need you now
class was a study in restraint as every minute flaming brighter and harder in my stomach and more and more things cracked and crumpled in my chest and i could feel the oxygen i took in fighting to get around it, fighting for the ability to clamp my mouth shut long enough to get out of there and i finally got out and stumbled so much trying to get back to my dorm that i nearly walked into an oncoming car and then a bus, chewing my lip and telling myself that all i needed was to get to my room, get to my bed where i can curl up and pull myself in as tight as possible so that when i imploded again it would not be so easily seen by anyone else.
i want to scream from the way these shards of memory and sensation are tearing holes in my chest and cracking bone and the electrocutionist's wires are torching my stomach to shit the way starvation sometimes does only this hurts worse and i crave someone's soft stomach to push my face into, someone's shirt to suffocate me, someone's uncertain hands fluttering like frightened moths in search of a clearly marked Land Here for Solace landing space written somewhere on my back; but i cannot reach anyone else while i try to fold in on myself, and i trust no one to understand the need to bury my face in my pillow, my sheets anything to smear every emotion written on my face until it becomes illegible, until my pillow is stained with every drop of the anguish that is tearing me apart inside so quietly and quickly, so angrily.
all the while he looms in my head like an insistent phantom, an incubus chattering at high speed, remember, phi? remember how we spoke spanish and i laughed when you messed up, phi? remember how i couldn't spell your name at first so i called you phi and it stuck? remember how you crowed in triumph when i told you about willis, remember how you angrily pestered me to ask him out? remember the night on the phone when i sang to you, phi, remember the time you came into Musicdom? remember? remember?
and my skin is so sensitive and burning and sore, my head is so heavy and angrily spiking in angular strokes of bright red migraine as i sob in fits and bursts and explosive screams before falling blank and silent to my side to stare at the wall mouthing lyrics to songs we used to listen to together and ones i know you would have loved, if only i'd thought to show you jason, if only i had known.
there are so many people who must be caving in on themselves and i am only one and it almost terrifies me to try and imagine what his mother and father are doing and thinking and saying and their beautiful boy, god he was so fucking beautiful all cinnamon skin and soft flyaway hair and his funny strange eyes, oh jason jason do you know how much I love you? do you know?
i am terrified to know his parents' pain, terrified to know the reality of those who lived close to him, who were not just embraced by his existence like i was but were bathed, swaddled in it day after day dear god.
i could not live.
all of me feels as if it's been beaten.
jason, jason, jason, you irritating music snob of a genius, you were supposed to catch a train down here to see me, remember? we were going to kiss, remember? you promised me two years ago that when i met you you would kiss me because i longed to know what it was like to taste you. remember the night kyle touched me and you were there talking to me and you asked me out of the blue what turned me on and i was so shocked that you of all people were asking that i refused to answer and you laughed because I'd always called you a prude? remember?
you can't be gone. you can't be gone, jason. jason, jason, jason.
oh, god.
i want to scream from the way these shards of memory and sensation are tearing holes in my chest and cracking bone and the electrocutionist's wires are torching my stomach to shit the way starvation sometimes does only this hurts worse and i crave someone's soft stomach to push my face into, someone's shirt to suffocate me, someone's uncertain hands fluttering like frightened moths in search of a clearly marked Land Here for Solace landing space written somewhere on my back; but i cannot reach anyone else while i try to fold in on myself, and i trust no one to understand the need to bury my face in my pillow, my sheets anything to smear every emotion written on my face until it becomes illegible, until my pillow is stained with every drop of the anguish that is tearing me apart inside so quietly and quickly, so angrily.
all the while he looms in my head like an insistent phantom, an incubus chattering at high speed, remember, phi? remember how we spoke spanish and i laughed when you messed up, phi? remember how i couldn't spell your name at first so i called you phi and it stuck? remember how you crowed in triumph when i told you about willis, remember how you angrily pestered me to ask him out? remember the night on the phone when i sang to you, phi, remember the time you came into Musicdom? remember? remember?
and my skin is so sensitive and burning and sore, my head is so heavy and angrily spiking in angular strokes of bright red migraine as i sob in fits and bursts and explosive screams before falling blank and silent to my side to stare at the wall mouthing lyrics to songs we used to listen to together and ones i know you would have loved, if only i'd thought to show you jason, if only i had known.
there are so many people who must be caving in on themselves and i am only one and it almost terrifies me to try and imagine what his mother and father are doing and thinking and saying and their beautiful boy, god he was so fucking beautiful all cinnamon skin and soft flyaway hair and his funny strange eyes, oh jason jason do you know how much I love you? do you know?
i am terrified to know his parents' pain, terrified to know the reality of those who lived close to him, who were not just embraced by his existence like i was but were bathed, swaddled in it day after day dear god.
i could not live.
all of me feels as if it's been beaten.
jason, jason, jason, you irritating music snob of a genius, you were supposed to catch a train down here to see me, remember? we were going to kiss, remember? you promised me two years ago that when i met you you would kiss me because i longed to know what it was like to taste you. remember the night kyle touched me and you were there talking to me and you asked me out of the blue what turned me on and i was so shocked that you of all people were asking that i refused to answer and you laughed because I'd always called you a prude? remember?
you can't be gone. you can't be gone, jason. jason, jason, jason.
oh, god.