Sep 02, 2009 00:41
i don't want to sleep, everything in my body is rebelling against the idea of going to sleep as if i'm afraid of it and i think i might be
and for days and days i've fantasized about cutting myself or of getting hurt one way or another; i kept staring at the scissors laura left on her bed and i almost moaned at the idea of dragging them along my skin and fuck i wanted it so bad.
i want it again now. it's not an obsession but it's becoming a mild sort of compulsion, maybe. and my head hurts so bad.
i want to grab my keys and my iPod and leave the dorm and go somewhere, anywhere, just walk and walk and walk and walk in the dark till i can't anymore.
i just want to go.
part of me is wondering curiously why this is happening to me but most of me is just saying go go go go go and where are laura's scissors fuck i wish i knew where those fucking scissors went i wish i had an X-Acto knife i wish i wish i wish fffff.
i wish someone would hit me
or i'd get knocked in the face by a door opened too fast or i'd trip and scrape my arms
or i'd slip in the shower and bruise myself, god if i could just have one or two bruises i would be happy i swear. bruises bruises bruises to pokepokepoke and rub and stare at and watch them change colors like a defective prism.
oh god.
abuse,
september,
thinking,
wednesday,
longing,
school year