Rehab XLIV: slip away to the open (after you're gone away)
i'm surrounded by people in there
and yet i suddenly feel ridiculously empty and lonely.
i wish you were here
or that i had someone else to talk to on there.
sometimes it seems as if i play a game with him: 'you push me i push you back' except i'm the only one pushing
the fact is i could disappear and he'd never pick up his head.
i wonder if that's why i haven't stopped talking to him
because in the end he would mean yet another person to whom i don't mean jack shit (at least in my mind, because yep sometimes it really is only in my head and god would i give anything to break free of my own head.)
so i'm kind of like chibi bear
but smaller
and clinging to his shoulder by my teeth, trying to hold on to something that isn't there and probably shouldn't be.
i think maybe this might be one thing you feel toward tofu? like you want to be able to be like "well if you don't like me anymore then whatever, i'll live" but you can't because he means something to you still even after everything?
except it's a bit different since i mean....
outside of what we did do
there probably is nothing i mean to him that everyone else doesn't also mean
that makes me so inexplicably angry.
see, even now he's ignoring me
remember one time you asked why i still talk to him?
i dunno.
didn't i swear back in january to be above anyone who made me feel like this?
to drop anyone who didn't enrich my life in some way instead of making me feel so small?
i feel microscopic.
one-celled.
bland and invisible.
annoying and niggling and heckling like....a flea.
this feels sort of like the entire fiasco in February turned into a scab hidden somewhere inside me,
as if it kind of left my memory for a while and now suddenly i've remembered it, and i'm picking at it, picking picking picking.
am i looking for blood?
am i looking for pain?
what is this?
what am i trying to do to myself? to you? to him?
life is not good when you don't even understand your own motives
and yet i suddenly feel ridiculously empty and lonely.
i wish you were here
or that i had someone else to talk to on there.
sometimes it seems as if i play a game with him: 'you push me i push you back' except i'm the only one pushing
the fact is i could disappear and he'd never pick up his head.
i wonder if that's why i haven't stopped talking to him
because in the end he would mean yet another person to whom i don't mean jack shit (at least in my mind, because yep sometimes it really is only in my head and god would i give anything to break free of my own head.)
so i'm kind of like chibi bear
but smaller
and clinging to his shoulder by my teeth, trying to hold on to something that isn't there and probably shouldn't be.
i think maybe this might be one thing you feel toward tofu? like you want to be able to be like "well if you don't like me anymore then whatever, i'll live" but you can't because he means something to you still even after everything?
except it's a bit different since i mean....
outside of what we did do
there probably is nothing i mean to him that everyone else doesn't also mean
that makes me so inexplicably angry.
see, even now he's ignoring me
remember one time you asked why i still talk to him?
i dunno.
didn't i swear back in january to be above anyone who made me feel like this?
to drop anyone who didn't enrich my life in some way instead of making me feel so small?
i feel microscopic.
one-celled.
bland and invisible.
annoying and niggling and heckling like....a flea.
this feels sort of like the entire fiasco in February turned into a scab hidden somewhere inside me,
as if it kind of left my memory for a while and now suddenly i've remembered it, and i'm picking at it, picking picking picking.
am i looking for blood?
am i looking for pain?
what is this?
what am i trying to do to myself? to you? to him?
life is not good when you don't even understand your own motives