healing, and closure
Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it?
Okay, so who remembers this post (12 November 2007), and the two immediately after it?
Here's a bit of a followup.
On December 1, 2010, I texted my ex with "I'd wish you a happy birthday, but..."
He thanked me for the sentiment anyway. (He's Jehovah's Witness, and they don't celebrate birthdays. Yeah I know, a Pagan and a Jehovah's Witness. Doomed from the start, yes? Oh well. Ya live and learn.)
I asked him how he was doing; he said he was getting married in a few months. I congratulated him, and asked if I should get out of his hair so she wouldn't get jealous. He replied that she knew what I meant to him once upon a time, and that she knows what she means to him now. I said that I might be jumping to conclusions, but that sounded like I no longer meant anything to him, not even as a friend. It took him 20 minutes to respond that he had to think about it but yes, that statement was true.
This prompted me to begin a massive purge of everything related to him. Phone number, Facebook friendship (which it turned out he'd already terminated), emails, photos, the works. This purge is still not complete, because I haven't found everything yet. But when I track down all the paper letters, artwork depicting his cartoonized self, all little things he gave me, etc, there will be a ritual, and it will involve fire.
Anyway.
This song has recently come to my attention. (In case the link breaks, the song is "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye.)
I upgraded from Boyfriend Pre-Alpha to Boyfriend 3.0 a little over 3 years ago, but I still needed closure. This is helping. A lot. Because Pre-Alpha is a liar and an ass (and maybe even cheating scum, but who knows and, at this point, who cares?), and managed to (metaphorically -- I don't mean either literally OR with a voodoo doll) jab lots of little pins in my soul for years, moving up through penny nails and roofing tacks, and finishing with two harpoons right through the heart. But not at the same time. He let the wound from the first one mostly heal up before he drove in the second one. I guess I'll be more specific. The first harpoon was him deciding that he didn't want to deal with "people" and lumping me in with that group. Two years of increasingly being ignored (and being shot out of the saddle --meaning he turned down my suggestion that we go get a hotel room-- during that timeframe) was the first big wound. The second one was the incident I described above--he'd said that we'd still be friends, but then he did THAT. Whether he'd been lying for quite a while, or whether he'd changed since we broke up and he turned into someone else for whom "we'll still be friends" was false, I really couldn't say, but it's still a moot point regardless. The statement became false at some point, and not knowing how long the lie had existed (possibly the lies had even started sometime BEFORE the breakup) was the second wound.
I think the fact that I've finally gotten to the "somebody that I used to know" stage is a positive step in my healing process. Now I can talk about it without any anger or rancor. A month ago I'd have still been furious, mostly at myself for not getting out a lot sooner. Like, a couple of years sooner. (I tried to, 9-12 months before I finally put my foot down, but he refused to work on making the communication improvements that the relationship needed in order to survive, and then he wouldn't even commit to a breakup, saying that he didn't want to think about that right then. That set off a whole bunch of alarms, and I suppose I should have heeded them and just ended it then, but apparently I'm too fucking nice sometimes.)
With a few exceptions this song pretty much describes how I felt about it about midway through the relationship, when the first harpoon was being drawn back for the throw, through the second harpoon (Dec 2010 - Jan 2012), and ending with how I feel about it now (as of hearing this song). The guy I broke up with was not the same guy I started the relationship with. He is, for all intents and purposes, dead. This new guy who's replaced him is a lying asshole. So yeah, he's somebody I used to know. I don't know who he is anymore. He is now a stranger. He no longer matters. Somebody I used to know. Yes. His chapter is closed. Time to go have more fun than him, now. Onward, ho! (And no, I didn't just call myself a ho. Tee hee. ;D)
Here are the lyrics, tweaked a tad so that they fit better (and also so that it does not switch points of view in the third verse):
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Tell me that I mean nothing and then delete my number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I didn't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
I decided I could let it go
And I never would get hung up on somebody that I used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Tell me that I mean nothing and then delete my number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)
(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
Okay, so who remembers this post (12 November 2007), and the two immediately after it?
Here's a bit of a followup.
On December 1, 2010, I texted my ex with "I'd wish you a happy birthday, but..."
He thanked me for the sentiment anyway. (He's Jehovah's Witness, and they don't celebrate birthdays. Yeah I know, a Pagan and a Jehovah's Witness. Doomed from the start, yes? Oh well. Ya live and learn.)
I asked him how he was doing; he said he was getting married in a few months. I congratulated him, and asked if I should get out of his hair so she wouldn't get jealous. He replied that she knew what I meant to him once upon a time, and that she knows what she means to him now. I said that I might be jumping to conclusions, but that sounded like I no longer meant anything to him, not even as a friend. It took him 20 minutes to respond that he had to think about it but yes, that statement was true.
This prompted me to begin a massive purge of everything related to him. Phone number, Facebook friendship (which it turned out he'd already terminated), emails, photos, the works. This purge is still not complete, because I haven't found everything yet. But when I track down all the paper letters, artwork depicting his cartoonized self, all little things he gave me, etc, there will be a ritual, and it will involve fire.
Anyway.
This song has recently come to my attention. (In case the link breaks, the song is "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye.)
I upgraded from Boyfriend Pre-Alpha to Boyfriend 3.0 a little over 3 years ago, but I still needed closure. This is helping. A lot. Because Pre-Alpha is a liar and an ass (and maybe even cheating scum, but who knows and, at this point, who cares?), and managed to (metaphorically -- I don't mean either literally OR with a voodoo doll) jab lots of little pins in my soul for years, moving up through penny nails and roofing tacks, and finishing with two harpoons right through the heart. But not at the same time. He let the wound from the first one mostly heal up before he drove in the second one. I guess I'll be more specific. The first harpoon was him deciding that he didn't want to deal with "people" and lumping me in with that group. Two years of increasingly being ignored (and being shot out of the saddle --meaning he turned down my suggestion that we go get a hotel room-- during that timeframe) was the first big wound. The second one was the incident I described above--he'd said that we'd still be friends, but then he did THAT. Whether he'd been lying for quite a while, or whether he'd changed since we broke up and he turned into someone else for whom "we'll still be friends" was false, I really couldn't say, but it's still a moot point regardless. The statement became false at some point, and not knowing how long the lie had existed (possibly the lies had even started sometime BEFORE the breakup) was the second wound.
I think the fact that I've finally gotten to the "somebody that I used to know" stage is a positive step in my healing process. Now I can talk about it without any anger or rancor. A month ago I'd have still been furious, mostly at myself for not getting out a lot sooner. Like, a couple of years sooner. (I tried to, 9-12 months before I finally put my foot down, but he refused to work on making the communication improvements that the relationship needed in order to survive, and then he wouldn't even commit to a breakup, saying that he didn't want to think about that right then. That set off a whole bunch of alarms, and I suppose I should have heeded them and just ended it then, but apparently I'm too fucking nice sometimes.)
With a few exceptions this song pretty much describes how I felt about it about midway through the relationship, when the first harpoon was being drawn back for the throw, through the second harpoon (Dec 2010 - Jan 2012), and ending with how I feel about it now (as of hearing this song). The guy I broke up with was not the same guy I started the relationship with. He is, for all intents and purposes, dead. This new guy who's replaced him is a lying asshole. So yeah, he's somebody I used to know. I don't know who he is anymore. He is now a stranger. He no longer matters. Somebody I used to know. Yes. His chapter is closed. Time to go have more fun than him, now. Onward, ho! (And no, I didn't just call myself a ho. Tee hee. ;D)
Here are the lyrics, tweaked a tad so that they fit better (and also so that it does not switch points of view in the third verse):
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Tell me that I mean nothing and then delete my number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I didn't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
I decided I could let it go
And I never would get hung up on somebody that I used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Tell me that I mean nothing and then delete my number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)
(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody