The update
I have been MIA for a long time (or at least it feels that way to me) so here we go: the big update of doom.
Well actually, there really isn't that much going on, but I can already tell this is going to be long-winded. There shall be lots of cuts, so you can read at your discretion.
First off, doll stuffs.
I have a AR NT Kai on layaway, to be purchased the rest of the way this month as soon as I have the money. (This will probably be either mid-or late month after I've gotten my paycheck, and the other paycheck from my finished temp job.) I now have an airbrush ready and waiting to turn him into my Lapis when he arrives. He will be airbrushed blue, and have his ears modded to fit the character's. (Which is not easy to describe.) It's going to be quite a project.
No other real news there.
Next up, trans stuff.
I want to see my hormone doc after battling a second round of bleeding. He told me that, despite the testosterone, my body's been trying its darndest to do what it thinks it's supposed to do. So, he gave me a referral to a surgeon, and a medicine that would stop the bleeding.
The medicine was a (primarily female) hormone that is used to correct a LACK of periods. It causes the lining of the uterus to build up. If taken nonstop, then there is no bleeding. (When used on women, one would stop the hormone for a week or so, and then she would have a period.)
It is one hell of a strong drug. The medicine said, 'take at bedtime to prevent nausea'. Knowing that when meds warned of nausea, I always had to take them with a lot of food, I decided to take the pill at dinnertime.
Then, forty minutes later, I was SO DIZZY that I had to go lay down in my bed and fall asleep RIGHT THEN. (Which was 7:30 pm.) Apparently mom checked in on me several times, and I told her that I needed to sleep, but I don't remember a thing until the next morning when I woke up at 5:30 am. I had to go into work that day, and I was shaky, dropping things, and had an almost unbearable level of depression. I could hardly eat.
The same for the next day. Took pill at bedtime-ish, was KO'ed by it again, felt awful the next day. I called the doctor, and he said, 'Stop taking it completely and let it get out of your system. You are way too sensitive to this hormone if you have side effects this severe already.'
So now, I am still dealing with a rock-bottom mood.
On a brighter note, I have an appointment with the surgeon. Apparently, she's a brilliant surgeon and does the procedure very well, and is very respectful of her trans patients.
Her office staff are ...neither brilliant nor respectful.
Even my mom encountered this already on the phone. The receptionist was seriously confused. Mom said the conversation went something like this:
'Yes, my son needs to schedule an appointment for a consultation... He's a transman... He needs an oophrectomy and a hysterectomy... etc...'
'So, wait... Your son ...is becoming a woman?'
((Me, thinking as I hear the story from mom:))
*hits head* Honestly, lady, You work in the office of an OB/GYN-surgeon. You must know what those terms ARE by now. The REMOVAL of the uterus and the ovaries. Now if I was a MAN trying to become a WOMAN, and I had those parts, ON WHAT PLANET WOULD I WANT THEM REMOVED?????
And mom cleared it up with the moronic receptionist. 'No, my son is transitioning from female to male, and needs to have his ovaries and uterus removed.'
Well, I got an appointment, and I am sort of looking forward to weirding out the office staff when a man walks in and needs a consult for the removal of female parts. *snrk* I want to see the looks on their faces. When I am in a good mood, I sometimes enjoy upsetting peoples' sense of normalcy. It is fun.
...And Rin, if you're reading this, for the record, I *AM* a gay man, through and through. Do not be fooled into thinking otherwise.
___________________________________
****And for those with an insatiable curiosity, I will go into the details of my decisions about further surgery. If you don't want to know what's under my boxers, I suggest you stop reading. If you have an open mind, curious about transsexuality, then read on. I post this information to further the understanding of the trans situation, and what we go through. ******
____________________________________
Trans people are often either thought of as 'just pretending to be the opposite sex' or as having gone into surgery one night and have walked away with everything a male-born male has, from head to toe.
Which is, of course, not true. Is anything ever that easy?
The removal of breasts is fairly straightforward, although it is a major surgery. I had the additional advantage of being young, not a smoker / druggie, and thin-ish. (Many transmen are older and had turned to food or other things as a life preserver.
I had that, and I healed. I am doing in for a small revision in april just to tweak a few things. The surgery was called 'bilateral mastectomy with aeriola/nipple reconstruction. (I cannot for the life of me figure out how to spell that word.) So I now have a male chest, with two six-inch long 'battle scars' where the natural slight shadows of the pecs fall.
I have been taking hormones for over a year, and will continue to do so until the day I die. The hormones have given me a body that is very ...male. I smell like a man, I talk like a man, I have hair on my face like a man, I have an adam's apple (yes, it really did grow there!), I have a male fat/muscle pattern, a male sex drive, a man's skin and feel, a man's muscle growth potential and firmness.
As for genitals... That is the most difficult part to deal with. The oophrectomy/hysterectomy will get rid of the periods, the remaining estrogen, and the possibility of pregnancy. (About effing time, in my opinion. The very idea of me being pregnant scares the living daylights out of me.)
...But then what, you may ask?
Well... the hormones make the clitoris grow. So I have ... erm, about an inch. I cannot pee standing up, let alone penetrate anything. I have no testicles. I have an extra hole.
After the surgery, all of that will still be the same. I will still have an extra hole and a diminutive 'dick'.
As I am gay and wish to have sex with men, this is both acceptable and very troubling. I fear that many gay men might have a problem with this. In the long run, I could always get something to make up for what I lack if my partner wishes, but the fear of rejection is strong enough to ...well, send me further into hiding, or at least make a bad depressive spell worse.
There are surgeries that create a phallus. However, they are ridiculously expensive, and do not create a penis that is properly functional. There are many, many complications, multiple surgeries and revisions that would need to be done, abundant possibilities of infection, tissue death, even *cringe* gangrene. And lots of pain. Think about it: Skin grafts. Lengthening of the urethera... it isn't easy.
And whatever is created may LOOK like a penis, but... it's devoid of sensation and cannot be erected without the use of devices.
I do not see the point of going through all that main to have a numb tube of skin hanging between my legs. The size of a man's dick does not make the man.
There is one other option which entails freeing the clitoris from whatever it's on, and moving it to a more ''male'' position, then creating a... ''micro penis'' Testicular implants can also be added.
In short, what it ends up looking like is a circumcised baby's penis stuck on a grown man with two large, not proportional balloons sticking out underneath it.
I think I'll keep my little penis where it is, and I'll keep the hole as I do not have a prostate gland to make anal sex feel the way it would for a man. o_o
In other news... I play neopets. It was originally geared towards bored college students, and has expanded over the years to be an all-ages friendly site with a lot to do. Yes, people from little kids to great-grandparents play and enjoy neo.
That said, I entered in the 'BC', or what is known as the 'Beauty contest.' In the BC, you draw a picture of your pet using any media (digital or traditional, like paint or colored pencils), and submit it to the site. Every week, there is a new batch of entrants. The pets are categorized by species. The winner receives a 'trophy' (which appears on your lookup on the site) and 'neopoints', the site's ''currency'', earned by playing games and so forth, and to be spent on items for your pets.
I got bronze in Zafara with my Zach (Zachary_magic).
To win, one must get the most 'votes' in their pet's category. This is achieved through a combination of having good art and advertising your entry.
Anyhow, I am posting the picture with which I won bronze, and a link to me on neo so maybe you can see what on earth I'm talking about. ^^
'http://www.neopets.com/randomfriend.phtml?user=phoenix_kaji' This is my account. To see the pets, scroll down and click on their picture.
And here is the pic that won.
If you look in my 'Zach' gallery, I have a few more drawings there if anyone's interested.
The last thing I have to mention... is that I am having to do a lot of thinking about what I want in life. I know what I want. The problem is how to get it.
I want to live a fairly comfortable life in a cool (as in not burning hot) and fairly open-minded area. I want to be married (or whatever) to a nice husband... and together, we make enough money to have all that we need and enough of what we want. I want to be able to draw my comic and preferably make money from it. I want to write and sell my book. I want to have a part time job that I can do without wanting to quit, a job that I vaguely enjoy. I would be the house-husband and do more of the chores and handyman things, while he would be at work more often. (I am at most peace with my ADHD(I) when I have a part-time job only.) My man would be fairly smart (Preferably, he'd intelligent and well-spoken, at the very least, he'd be a man possessing at least a lick of common sense.) He'd be kind and supportive. We would be so very in love, and you know how that goes. ;) We'd work together to solve any problems that life throws at us. My depression and anxiety would be under control.
I would have peace.
The problem is... If I leave college permanently, or if my current medical condition (very bad) forces me to drop out... then I need to be working, and this being the bay area, probably full-time.
Well, if I cannot handle school, then how in the blazes can I handle a full time job which I'll probably hate? And where can I find a man who is 1) gay, 2) okay with my body, 3) not an idiot, and 4) be able to deal with my ''colorful personality''. I am not ruled by my depression or my trans-ness or my ADHD(I), but they are all things that would affect a relationship.
I just don't want to be lonely the rest of my life.
And most of all, I need some self-esteem. It's getting a bit better, but... well, it's hard. Whenever I think logically about my chances of succeeding in the paths in which I would be happiest... I just get depressed.
I'm working on it.
Wearily,
Kaji
Well actually, there really isn't that much going on, but I can already tell this is going to be long-winded. There shall be lots of cuts, so you can read at your discretion.
First off, doll stuffs.
I have a AR NT Kai on layaway, to be purchased the rest of the way this month as soon as I have the money. (This will probably be either mid-or late month after I've gotten my paycheck, and the other paycheck from my finished temp job.) I now have an airbrush ready and waiting to turn him into my Lapis when he arrives. He will be airbrushed blue, and have his ears modded to fit the character's. (Which is not easy to describe.) It's going to be quite a project.
No other real news there.
Next up, trans stuff.
I want to see my hormone doc after battling a second round of bleeding. He told me that, despite the testosterone, my body's been trying its darndest to do what it thinks it's supposed to do. So, he gave me a referral to a surgeon, and a medicine that would stop the bleeding.
The medicine was a (primarily female) hormone that is used to correct a LACK of periods. It causes the lining of the uterus to build up. If taken nonstop, then there is no bleeding. (When used on women, one would stop the hormone for a week or so, and then she would have a period.)
It is one hell of a strong drug. The medicine said, 'take at bedtime to prevent nausea'. Knowing that when meds warned of nausea, I always had to take them with a lot of food, I decided to take the pill at dinnertime.
Then, forty minutes later, I was SO DIZZY that I had to go lay down in my bed and fall asleep RIGHT THEN. (Which was 7:30 pm.) Apparently mom checked in on me several times, and I told her that I needed to sleep, but I don't remember a thing until the next morning when I woke up at 5:30 am. I had to go into work that day, and I was shaky, dropping things, and had an almost unbearable level of depression. I could hardly eat.
The same for the next day. Took pill at bedtime-ish, was KO'ed by it again, felt awful the next day. I called the doctor, and he said, 'Stop taking it completely and let it get out of your system. You are way too sensitive to this hormone if you have side effects this severe already.'
So now, I am still dealing with a rock-bottom mood.
On a brighter note, I have an appointment with the surgeon. Apparently, she's a brilliant surgeon and does the procedure very well, and is very respectful of her trans patients.
Her office staff are ...neither brilliant nor respectful.
Even my mom encountered this already on the phone. The receptionist was seriously confused. Mom said the conversation went something like this:
'Yes, my son needs to schedule an appointment for a consultation... He's a transman... He needs an oophrectomy and a hysterectomy... etc...'
'So, wait... Your son ...is becoming a woman?'
((Me, thinking as I hear the story from mom:))
*hits head* Honestly, lady, You work in the office of an OB/GYN-surgeon. You must know what those terms ARE by now. The REMOVAL of the uterus and the ovaries. Now if I was a MAN trying to become a WOMAN, and I had those parts, ON WHAT PLANET WOULD I WANT THEM REMOVED?????
And mom cleared it up with the moronic receptionist. 'No, my son is transitioning from female to male, and needs to have his ovaries and uterus removed.'
Well, I got an appointment, and I am sort of looking forward to weirding out the office staff when a man walks in and needs a consult for the removal of female parts. *snrk* I want to see the looks on their faces. When I am in a good mood, I sometimes enjoy upsetting peoples' sense of normalcy. It is fun.
...And Rin, if you're reading this, for the record, I *AM* a gay man, through and through. Do not be fooled into thinking otherwise.
___________________________________
****And for those with an insatiable curiosity, I will go into the details of my decisions about further surgery. If you don't want to know what's under my boxers, I suggest you stop reading. If you have an open mind, curious about transsexuality, then read on. I post this information to further the understanding of the trans situation, and what we go through. ******
____________________________________
Trans people are often either thought of as 'just pretending to be the opposite sex' or as having gone into surgery one night and have walked away with everything a male-born male has, from head to toe.
Which is, of course, not true. Is anything ever that easy?
The removal of breasts is fairly straightforward, although it is a major surgery. I had the additional advantage of being young, not a smoker / druggie, and thin-ish. (Many transmen are older and had turned to food or other things as a life preserver.
I had that, and I healed. I am doing in for a small revision in april just to tweak a few things. The surgery was called 'bilateral mastectomy with aeriola/nipple reconstruction. (I cannot for the life of me figure out how to spell that word.) So I now have a male chest, with two six-inch long 'battle scars' where the natural slight shadows of the pecs fall.
I have been taking hormones for over a year, and will continue to do so until the day I die. The hormones have given me a body that is very ...male. I smell like a man, I talk like a man, I have hair on my face like a man, I have an adam's apple (yes, it really did grow there!), I have a male fat/muscle pattern, a male sex drive, a man's skin and feel, a man's muscle growth potential and firmness.
As for genitals... That is the most difficult part to deal with. The oophrectomy/hysterectomy will get rid of the periods, the remaining estrogen, and the possibility of pregnancy. (About effing time, in my opinion. The very idea of me being pregnant scares the living daylights out of me.)
...But then what, you may ask?
Well... the hormones make the clitoris grow. So I have ... erm, about an inch. I cannot pee standing up, let alone penetrate anything. I have no testicles. I have an extra hole.
After the surgery, all of that will still be the same. I will still have an extra hole and a diminutive 'dick'.
As I am gay and wish to have sex with men, this is both acceptable and very troubling. I fear that many gay men might have a problem with this. In the long run, I could always get something to make up for what I lack if my partner wishes, but the fear of rejection is strong enough to ...well, send me further into hiding, or at least make a bad depressive spell worse.
There are surgeries that create a phallus. However, they are ridiculously expensive, and do not create a penis that is properly functional. There are many, many complications, multiple surgeries and revisions that would need to be done, abundant possibilities of infection, tissue death, even *cringe* gangrene. And lots of pain. Think about it: Skin grafts. Lengthening of the urethera... it isn't easy.
And whatever is created may LOOK like a penis, but... it's devoid of sensation and cannot be erected without the use of devices.
I do not see the point of going through all that main to have a numb tube of skin hanging between my legs. The size of a man's dick does not make the man.
There is one other option which entails freeing the clitoris from whatever it's on, and moving it to a more ''male'' position, then creating a... ''micro penis'' Testicular implants can also be added.
In short, what it ends up looking like is a circumcised baby's penis stuck on a grown man with two large, not proportional balloons sticking out underneath it.
I think I'll keep my little penis where it is, and I'll keep the hole as I do not have a prostate gland to make anal sex feel the way it would for a man. o_o
In other news... I play neopets. It was originally geared towards bored college students, and has expanded over the years to be an all-ages friendly site with a lot to do. Yes, people from little kids to great-grandparents play and enjoy neo.
That said, I entered in the 'BC', or what is known as the 'Beauty contest.' In the BC, you draw a picture of your pet using any media (digital or traditional, like paint or colored pencils), and submit it to the site. Every week, there is a new batch of entrants. The pets are categorized by species. The winner receives a 'trophy' (which appears on your lookup on the site) and 'neopoints', the site's ''currency'', earned by playing games and so forth, and to be spent on items for your pets.
I got bronze in Zafara with my Zach (Zachary_magic).
To win, one must get the most 'votes' in their pet's category. This is achieved through a combination of having good art and advertising your entry.
Anyhow, I am posting the picture with which I won bronze, and a link to me on neo so maybe you can see what on earth I'm talking about. ^^
'http://www.neopets.com/randomfriend.phtml?user=phoenix_kaji' This is my account. To see the pets, scroll down and click on their picture.
And here is the pic that won.
If you look in my 'Zach' gallery, I have a few more drawings there if anyone's interested.
The last thing I have to mention... is that I am having to do a lot of thinking about what I want in life. I know what I want. The problem is how to get it.
I want to live a fairly comfortable life in a cool (as in not burning hot) and fairly open-minded area. I want to be married (or whatever) to a nice husband... and together, we make enough money to have all that we need and enough of what we want. I want to be able to draw my comic and preferably make money from it. I want to write and sell my book. I want to have a part time job that I can do without wanting to quit, a job that I vaguely enjoy. I would be the house-husband and do more of the chores and handyman things, while he would be at work more often. (I am at most peace with my ADHD(I) when I have a part-time job only.) My man would be fairly smart (Preferably, he'd intelligent and well-spoken, at the very least, he'd be a man possessing at least a lick of common sense.) He'd be kind and supportive. We would be so very in love, and you know how that goes. ;) We'd work together to solve any problems that life throws at us. My depression and anxiety would be under control.
I would have peace.
The problem is... If I leave college permanently, or if my current medical condition (very bad) forces me to drop out... then I need to be working, and this being the bay area, probably full-time.
Well, if I cannot handle school, then how in the blazes can I handle a full time job which I'll probably hate? And where can I find a man who is 1) gay, 2) okay with my body, 3) not an idiot, and 4) be able to deal with my ''colorful personality''. I am not ruled by my depression or my trans-ness or my ADHD(I), but they are all things that would affect a relationship.
I just don't want to be lonely the rest of my life.
And most of all, I need some self-esteem. It's getting a bit better, but... well, it's hard. Whenever I think logically about my chances of succeeding in the paths in which I would be happiest... I just get depressed.
I'm working on it.
Wearily,
Kaji