(no subject)
What was I talking about? Oh, yes, moths.
Moths, anthropomorphically ascribed to downfall and decay by the errant pomposity of dichotomous-minded literatos viewing the shadows of moths through the 'light' of butterflies, have as of late taken on the swarming psyche of their more chitinous cousins, the locust (read: "really fucking big and hungry grasshopper", for those not up on their Egyptian plagues). Economically, the two bear important comparison, as they both, in large numbers, feed upon the food that we humans would like to feed upon, thus making them horrid little beasts that should be stamped out of existence forever and ever.
After the severe rainfall several weeks ago, the moths, eschewing the order created by our clear and obvious superiority in the food chain, have assaulted every aspect of Tucson life, and in general have become Really Annoying. I walk, simply, on the sidewalk, and yet the floating egress of dozens of moths lends me an air of ominousness that I don't much enjoy. If I wanted to feel like I were sauntering out of a necropolis with droves of low creatures twisting and contorting about my dark aura like something out of a 1950's pulp horror comic book, I'd just kill my roommate Mike, wait a few weeks, and then march around his fly-ridden corpse with sausages stapled to my skin.
Moreover, I have a severe phobia of flying, stinging insects I picked up from being stung in the neck and almost dying at 11 months of age, and further compounded by being caught dead center in a swarm in a low mountain meadow dotted with wildflowers. Another time, while walking near a community college in Greeley, CO and rocking out to my headphones, oblivious to the outside world, I walked to the very edge of what I thought was a busy gaggle of hungry gnats before I put my glasses on and saw about 10,000 yellow jackets buzzing viciously about a rotted stump that had collapsed on their hive. I believe I may have broken some of the local track records in my subsequent all-out 500 yard sprint away from that horror. The track coach just happened to be running his students by on the street during a PT jog, and actually asked me if I wanted a slot on the team. I was a little shocked, but I've always been somewhat fast when the need requires it. Panting, I thanked him for the offer, shook my head, and dragged a cigarette out of my pocket. He did that thing adults do when they slowly tilt their head back in disapproval, as though they're rearing back to strike at your jugular, and then sighed and walked away.
The point is, I hate things that fly and sting. Tucson has crazy bees, the Africanized ones, and finding one belligerently tapping against your glass window and trying to get inside to sting your eyes and lay its eggs in your stomach isn't an uncommon occurrence. Cue the moths, and my somewhat deficient eyesight. I can only wonder what some people think when I twitch violently away from any oncoming moths, but I'm mostly relieved they're just moths.
Last night, while stocking, a moth flew out from behind a box and cut right towards my face. It somehow managed to get past the near-impregnable defenses of my eyelid's powerful eyelashes, and it temporarily became AFFIXED TO MY FUCKING EYEBALL. Reflexive half-yelling, convulsions, and machinegun blinking ensued. Eventually it fell from my eye, it's fuzzy wing coating that it needs to fly burning the everloving fuck out of my eyeball. I had to find one of those eyewash stations used for purging volatile chemicals from one's eyes in the laughable hope of preventing blindness, and rinse my assaulted eye thoroughly for about a minute or two. Upon returning to where the attack occurred, I saw the moth lying on the ground, its gift of flight taken through my eye by diffusion.
My eye was then severely bloodshot, and as is always the case when such a thing happens to my eye, I immediately became paranoid that people thought I was a user. They'd take one look at the spiky hair, the black clothes, and the red eye (they'd ignore the normal one, because it is normal) and clearly assume that I was tokin' up in the backroom during breaktime. This paranoia about drugs derives from one day when I did go into school half-stoned (it was my first time, too, I believe, and one of only about 4 times I've ever done that stuff, because I hate the way it makes my mind drag precariously slowly along the rough-hewn path of acedia), and a teacher happened to comment about my eyes. I used the obligatory, "Oh, I didn't get much sleep last night," excuse. Still, my hatred of not having silky smooth eye whites remains, and any times allergies or emotions well up I immediately dump half a bottle of Clear Eyes into me to purify myself. No Clear Eyes at work. What the Hell will I say? 'No, no, I'm not stoned. I just killed a moth with my FUCKING eye, so it's okay. No drugs here.'
Of course, no one said anything.
Other than that, I left work early tonight because I was vomiting, and if there is ever a way I can possibly avoid having my face within ten feet of those public toilets again, I will immediately stay the course no matter the consequences. I know, by now, that my headaches, my rare ulcers, and the nausea are all psychosomatic issues, but having to explain that to my bosses is another issue entirely. I don't think the management there will take too kindly to issues that come from my head, nor to the admission of my mental instability. Ironic, because one must be mentally unstable to arrive at such a place and remain. So my brain hates me and is trying to kill my body. Self-hate, emo introspection, blahblahblah. My only solace at this point is that maybe, 30 years down the road, the corpsefied remains of Herman Hesse will jump naked out of my birthday cake and declare me the new Siddhartha, thus making this whole life thing somehow worth it. I mean, come on, how often is it you get to kill a fucking zombie author on your birthday? Looks like I'll be buying myself a shotgun in 29 years just for that.
Finally, an interesting, fun, distracting meme...
Bold the following statements that are wholly true for you, and italicize ones that are partially true:
1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example. [There's a reason customers love me. Also, ask jaderei about my ability to articulate myself in person, when I feel like so inclined.]
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings. [Mythological bird of fire. Duh.]
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine. [This one is obvious.]
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest. [True only in some respects, mostly regarding work.]
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims. [I wish I could empathize more. Really, I do.]
7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness. [This one's a big yes. I want my fucking emotions back.]
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless. [Obvious.]
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities. [Ask my sister how much money I owe her.]
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily. [Also obvious.]
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests. [I don't care so much for the discussion of sexual acts, but "brief, superficial relations" sums it up quite nicely.]
12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life. [HAHAHAHAHAHA!]
14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless. [Oh, yeah, ditto here.]
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements. [Almost entirely true, save for the sloppy work. My objectivist neurosis disallows me from doing a shitty, slow-working, lazy job, even if I do arrive to it late and leave early.]
16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.
By the way, these are the psychological symptoms of a psychopath. I never wanted to be crazy. I didn't ask for this shit, God. You give me back my sanity. I want my freedom and my emotions back. You had no right to take them. Free will, my ass. You lied to everyone.
Edit:A few entries back I cited quantum mechanics as the source of the belief that there are an infinite number of universes. I have found this to be in error. In reality, it is string theory that hypothesizes this to adjust for increasingly complicated mathematical devolutions in an attempt to consolidate relativity with quantum mechanics. However, to clarify, I feel that, much as Russell's Principia Mathematica met its downfall in the corridors of the infinite at the hands of self-referential Göedellian mathematics, quantum mechanics and relativity will also diverge from current trends in string theory. Perhaps in the end the two will be found to be merely self-referential reflections of one another, with chaos mathematics filling in the fluctuating chasm between the two. Regardless, this speaks further of the dualistic nature of God; if he is all things, in all time, then he is the embodiment of Submission, and when juxtaposed against infinite Victory one is left with infinite tuggings and pullings on the rope of existence - an infinite universe. My conclusion stands.
Moths, anthropomorphically ascribed to downfall and decay by the errant pomposity of dichotomous-minded literatos viewing the shadows of moths through the 'light' of butterflies, have as of late taken on the swarming psyche of their more chitinous cousins, the locust (read: "really fucking big and hungry grasshopper", for those not up on their Egyptian plagues). Economically, the two bear important comparison, as they both, in large numbers, feed upon the food that we humans would like to feed upon, thus making them horrid little beasts that should be stamped out of existence forever and ever.
After the severe rainfall several weeks ago, the moths, eschewing the order created by our clear and obvious superiority in the food chain, have assaulted every aspect of Tucson life, and in general have become Really Annoying. I walk, simply, on the sidewalk, and yet the floating egress of dozens of moths lends me an air of ominousness that I don't much enjoy. If I wanted to feel like I were sauntering out of a necropolis with droves of low creatures twisting and contorting about my dark aura like something out of a 1950's pulp horror comic book, I'd just kill my roommate Mike, wait a few weeks, and then march around his fly-ridden corpse with sausages stapled to my skin.
Moreover, I have a severe phobia of flying, stinging insects I picked up from being stung in the neck and almost dying at 11 months of age, and further compounded by being caught dead center in a swarm in a low mountain meadow dotted with wildflowers. Another time, while walking near a community college in Greeley, CO and rocking out to my headphones, oblivious to the outside world, I walked to the very edge of what I thought was a busy gaggle of hungry gnats before I put my glasses on and saw about 10,000 yellow jackets buzzing viciously about a rotted stump that had collapsed on their hive. I believe I may have broken some of the local track records in my subsequent all-out 500 yard sprint away from that horror. The track coach just happened to be running his students by on the street during a PT jog, and actually asked me if I wanted a slot on the team. I was a little shocked, but I've always been somewhat fast when the need requires it. Panting, I thanked him for the offer, shook my head, and dragged a cigarette out of my pocket. He did that thing adults do when they slowly tilt their head back in disapproval, as though they're rearing back to strike at your jugular, and then sighed and walked away.
The point is, I hate things that fly and sting. Tucson has crazy bees, the Africanized ones, and finding one belligerently tapping against your glass window and trying to get inside to sting your eyes and lay its eggs in your stomach isn't an uncommon occurrence. Cue the moths, and my somewhat deficient eyesight. I can only wonder what some people think when I twitch violently away from any oncoming moths, but I'm mostly relieved they're just moths.
Last night, while stocking, a moth flew out from behind a box and cut right towards my face. It somehow managed to get past the near-impregnable defenses of my eyelid's powerful eyelashes, and it temporarily became AFFIXED TO MY FUCKING EYEBALL. Reflexive half-yelling, convulsions, and machinegun blinking ensued. Eventually it fell from my eye, it's fuzzy wing coating that it needs to fly burning the everloving fuck out of my eyeball. I had to find one of those eyewash stations used for purging volatile chemicals from one's eyes in the laughable hope of preventing blindness, and rinse my assaulted eye thoroughly for about a minute or two. Upon returning to where the attack occurred, I saw the moth lying on the ground, its gift of flight taken through my eye by diffusion.
My eye was then severely bloodshot, and as is always the case when such a thing happens to my eye, I immediately became paranoid that people thought I was a user. They'd take one look at the spiky hair, the black clothes, and the red eye (they'd ignore the normal one, because it is normal) and clearly assume that I was tokin' up in the backroom during breaktime. This paranoia about drugs derives from one day when I did go into school half-stoned (it was my first time, too, I believe, and one of only about 4 times I've ever done that stuff, because I hate the way it makes my mind drag precariously slowly along the rough-hewn path of acedia), and a teacher happened to comment about my eyes. I used the obligatory, "Oh, I didn't get much sleep last night," excuse. Still, my hatred of not having silky smooth eye whites remains, and any times allergies or emotions well up I immediately dump half a bottle of Clear Eyes into me to purify myself. No Clear Eyes at work. What the Hell will I say? 'No, no, I'm not stoned. I just killed a moth with my FUCKING eye, so it's okay. No drugs here.'
Of course, no one said anything.
Other than that, I left work early tonight because I was vomiting, and if there is ever a way I can possibly avoid having my face within ten feet of those public toilets again, I will immediately stay the course no matter the consequences. I know, by now, that my headaches, my rare ulcers, and the nausea are all psychosomatic issues, but having to explain that to my bosses is another issue entirely. I don't think the management there will take too kindly to issues that come from my head, nor to the admission of my mental instability. Ironic, because one must be mentally unstable to arrive at such a place and remain. So my brain hates me and is trying to kill my body. Self-hate, emo introspection, blahblahblah. My only solace at this point is that maybe, 30 years down the road, the corpsefied remains of Herman Hesse will jump naked out of my birthday cake and declare me the new Siddhartha, thus making this whole life thing somehow worth it. I mean, come on, how often is it you get to kill a fucking zombie author on your birthday? Looks like I'll be buying myself a shotgun in 29 years just for that.
Finally, an interesting, fun, distracting meme...
Bold the following statements that are wholly true for you, and italicize ones that are partially true:
1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example. [There's a reason customers love me. Also, ask jaderei about my ability to articulate myself in person, when I feel like so inclined.]
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings. [Mythological bird of fire. Duh.]
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine. [This one is obvious.]
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest. [True only in some respects, mostly regarding work.]
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims. [I wish I could empathize more. Really, I do.]
7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness. [This one's a big yes. I want my fucking emotions back.]
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless. [Obvious.]
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities. [Ask my sister how much money I owe her.]
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily. [Also obvious.]
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests. [I don't care so much for the discussion of sexual acts, but "brief, superficial relations" sums it up quite nicely.]
12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life. [HAHAHAHAHAHA!]
14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless. [Oh, yeah, ditto here.]
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements. [Almost entirely true, save for the sloppy work. My objectivist neurosis disallows me from doing a shitty, slow-working, lazy job, even if I do arrive to it late and leave early.]
16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.
By the way, these are the psychological symptoms of a psychopath. I never wanted to be crazy. I didn't ask for this shit, God. You give me back my sanity. I want my freedom and my emotions back. You had no right to take them. Free will, my ass. You lied to everyone.
Edit:A few entries back I cited quantum mechanics as the source of the belief that there are an infinite number of universes. I have found this to be in error. In reality, it is string theory that hypothesizes this to adjust for increasingly complicated mathematical devolutions in an attempt to consolidate relativity with quantum mechanics. However, to clarify, I feel that, much as Russell's Principia Mathematica met its downfall in the corridors of the infinite at the hands of self-referential Göedellian mathematics, quantum mechanics and relativity will also diverge from current trends in string theory. Perhaps in the end the two will be found to be merely self-referential reflections of one another, with chaos mathematics filling in the fluctuating chasm between the two. Regardless, this speaks further of the dualistic nature of God; if he is all things, in all time, then he is the embodiment of Submission, and when juxtaposed against infinite Victory one is left with infinite tuggings and pullings on the rope of existence - an infinite universe. My conclusion stands.