some random thoughts.
I wish people would stop mis-interpreting what I say.
Taking things I say like "I wasn't sure if it was going to work" for things like "I wasn't sure I loved you yet".
Of course I wasn't sure it would work. We were 3000 miles away from each other. As it is, she broke it off for just that reason 9 months later. That doesn't mean I wasn't madly in love. And I never said I wasn't. Just that I was afraid something like this might happen.
So I guess I was right back then. Perhaps I was just fooling myself all along.
--*sigh*. Why do things have to be difficult like this? Why can't two people who love each other SO MUCH and always will, NOT rip into each other and try and make one another feel as miserable as the other? It's not the best way to go about things. I just want my best friend back. More than anything, I want that.
--Mid post - post script: shortly after starting to write this, I learned that a certain said young woman left me some messages. I also find myself hoping to be pleasantly surprised. I think I may be.
In other news. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do come the end of January / Beginning of February. I know I'm not leaving this job, that's for damned sure. It's the best thing that's happened to me since I got here. But I have no idea what my brothers are doing at this point. Casey is insisting he'll be in los angeles, and brandon? Well, he's so unstable, even if he does stay, I won't be able to say for how long.
That leaves the most sensible option being moving out on my own. Can I hack 650 dollars a month? I'm barely pulling the 400 the way I'm living now. I really need to save what I'm saving at the rate I'm saving it... if worse comes to worse, I'll cut my monthly savings in half. Not the fastest way to get where I'm going, but it's something. I'll have to crunch some numbers... But depending on how much I spend in this move, I still should be able to pay off asu by fall.
And then theres the security deposits... the moving fees.... if I stay in the same complex, that shouldn't cause a problem. ...........assuming we can get our security deposit back. (Damn those carpet burns... he'd better clean that shit up). Also there was some mold since we moved in from when things were leaking.
All of this swirling around in my head. I go home and I barely have time to get situated before I crash, and wake up just in time to get ready for work. ...Back to the daily grind, day in and day out. I'm spending what days off I have juggling between responsibilities and a relationship. It doesn't feel fair, but then again, she's at the same stage of life I am, and isn't about to ask for anything more.
Maybe I should be alone. But I know myself... and I have a pretty good feeling if I had that solitude right now as I'm going through all this, it would lead to habits I don't want. Ones I've fought against for years. Not many people I know quite understand that about me. But then, they're not like I am.
Living in the half-light can be a tricky matter.
That's all for now. I have some things to go peruse. ...A big part of me is still glad she cares enough to send them. Maybe there's hope for our freindship after all.
............. if she can stop hating me, that is.
Taking things I say like "I wasn't sure if it was going to work" for things like "I wasn't sure I loved you yet".
Of course I wasn't sure it would work. We were 3000 miles away from each other. As it is, she broke it off for just that reason 9 months later. That doesn't mean I wasn't madly in love. And I never said I wasn't. Just that I was afraid something like this might happen.
So I guess I was right back then. Perhaps I was just fooling myself all along.
--*sigh*. Why do things have to be difficult like this? Why can't two people who love each other SO MUCH and always will, NOT rip into each other and try and make one another feel as miserable as the other? It's not the best way to go about things. I just want my best friend back. More than anything, I want that.
--Mid post - post script: shortly after starting to write this, I learned that a certain said young woman left me some messages. I also find myself hoping to be pleasantly surprised. I think I may be.
In other news. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do come the end of January / Beginning of February. I know I'm not leaving this job, that's for damned sure. It's the best thing that's happened to me since I got here. But I have no idea what my brothers are doing at this point. Casey is insisting he'll be in los angeles, and brandon? Well, he's so unstable, even if he does stay, I won't be able to say for how long.
That leaves the most sensible option being moving out on my own. Can I hack 650 dollars a month? I'm barely pulling the 400 the way I'm living now. I really need to save what I'm saving at the rate I'm saving it... if worse comes to worse, I'll cut my monthly savings in half. Not the fastest way to get where I'm going, but it's something. I'll have to crunch some numbers... But depending on how much I spend in this move, I still should be able to pay off asu by fall.
And then theres the security deposits... the moving fees.... if I stay in the same complex, that shouldn't cause a problem. ...........assuming we can get our security deposit back. (Damn those carpet burns... he'd better clean that shit up). Also there was some mold since we moved in from when things were leaking.
All of this swirling around in my head. I go home and I barely have time to get situated before I crash, and wake up just in time to get ready for work. ...Back to the daily grind, day in and day out. I'm spending what days off I have juggling between responsibilities and a relationship. It doesn't feel fair, but then again, she's at the same stage of life I am, and isn't about to ask for anything more.
Maybe I should be alone. But I know myself... and I have a pretty good feeling if I had that solitude right now as I'm going through all this, it would lead to habits I don't want. Ones I've fought against for years. Not many people I know quite understand that about me. But then, they're not like I am.
Living in the half-light can be a tricky matter.
That's all for now. I have some things to go peruse. ...A big part of me is still glad she cares enough to send them. Maybe there's hope for our freindship after all.
............. if she can stop hating me, that is.