(no subject)

[phoenix2012]

1am. Just got home from work. Right now... I'm so full of mixed emotions. I don't know what to do with myself... I don't even know who I am anymore. I say things and I do things, and a lot of the times those things just don't seem to match up. I have so many...at least one thing I just want to say to the world... and yet I can't. But I feel like if I do, it will make things so much clearer for me... yet something tells me that I won't. Not for a while. Not until I leave for college and I can start over. There are just so many thoughts that run through my head, and I can't say them. I wish I didn't even think them. I know when entries like this get left, people leave a slew of comments telling me that I can tell them. Simply, I can't. If I could, I would have, but I can't let myself. I'm just... so torn up inside. Its not easy looking as calm as I do on the outside. Its not easy to not care. So why do I do it, or, how? Sometimes I am as calm and neutral as I look. Other times I'm not. Sadly... I'd bet even my closest friends can't tell the difference. I'm still looking, I'd say, for someone. I don't know who, or what might be so special about them. I dunno if it'll be a boy or a girl or whatever. I just feel like I'm looking for something I haven't found. Everytime I think I've found it, it explodes in my face. Its like looking for something that you don't know what it is, and yet its hidden among others exactly like it. 1:11 now. A wish.

I wish I wasn't so confused.
I wish I knew who I am.
I wish some of the emotions I felt... I didn't.
Its not easy being the way I am... and yet, I don't even know what way that might be. I'm not even remotely close. So many times, I thought I had found myself, and everytime I'm just getting farther and farther away...