ten adjectives
One of my mission 101 goals, a challenge that a friend gave me, is to make a list of ten adjectives I want to apply to me, and to work toward realizing them during the next 1001 days.
The following is my list, and where I stand with them now.
1. beautiful
Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I can see flashes of what others (who seem to have more faith in my looks than I) do. But most of the time, all I can see when I look at myself are my faults. (Bad posture. Scars. Complete lack of anything resembling muscle tone. Stupid eyebrows. Ugly legs. Unruly hair. Etc.) I think that I have the potential to be a beautiful woman, but I'm not sure how to go about getting there--is the problem entirely rooted in my self-esteem issues, or do I need to be making a greater effort with my appearance as well?
2. independent
I love living alone. I say that even though I've never really had the opportunity to do so for any extended period of time--in fact, I don't think that I've ever lived without either family or roommates. But I covet the times when I have the house to myself and I can run my life entirely on my terms, and I'm dying for a chance to try it in earnest, supporting myself completely. Even just imagining it makes me feel free and unstoppable.
3. rich
A girl can dream. And to be perfectly honest, I think even a relatively modest living wage would feel like riches to me now, after becoming accustomed to only $15k per year.
4. motivated
My mom tells me often that I'm lazy. I think there's a difference between lazy and unmotivated, and I am the latter. It's not that I just can't be bothered to make myself food or clean the whole house or exercise regularly, because sometimes I am good at these things. It's that I can't shake the feeling of it all being pointless. The effort doesn't seem to justify the result. There must be a way to fix this (and I do suspect that as my mental health improves, effort will start to feel less daunting). I want my flashes of productivity to be the status quo.
5. fit
I am a couch potato. This needs to change. I've always dreamed of being one of those gorgeous athletic girls that can wear a bikini like nobody's business. I hope I can make it happen.
6. flexible
When I added this to the list, what I was thinking of was muscle flexibility--that's a very weak point of mine, and should I ever get back into yoga, I have hopes that it will change. But I suppose temperamental flexibility is also a good goal to strive for.
7. brilliant
I know a lot of smart people, and I want to be one of them. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not, despite what they say. Maybe I'm just a good faker. Maybe I have lucky moments. I've got a good memory, a large vocabulary, and the ability to pick skills up relatively quickly, which probably lends some appearance of intelligence. But I'm naive and I'm gullible and I'm not good at thinking in depth or coming up with innovative ideas. I can't do math to save my life and politics strikes me as unapproachably convoluted. I don't know exactly whether this goal is an achievable one. I hope that with more education, eventually I'll get there; at the moment, that's the only idea I've got.
8. self-satisfied
I think my lack of self-esteem is the root of most of my issues. So much would be easier if I could only feel confident and content with who I am.
9. social
What I mean by this is more accurately "not so @#(*&%( anxious around other people anymore."
10. happy
Saved the most important for last. I was getting there, a while ago. I can get there again. This breakup has been a major setback for me, but happiness is out there. I can almost taste it.
The following is my list, and where I stand with them now.
1. beautiful
Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I can see flashes of what others (who seem to have more faith in my looks than I) do. But most of the time, all I can see when I look at myself are my faults. (Bad posture. Scars. Complete lack of anything resembling muscle tone. Stupid eyebrows. Ugly legs. Unruly hair. Etc.) I think that I have the potential to be a beautiful woman, but I'm not sure how to go about getting there--is the problem entirely rooted in my self-esteem issues, or do I need to be making a greater effort with my appearance as well?
2. independent
I love living alone. I say that even though I've never really had the opportunity to do so for any extended period of time--in fact, I don't think that I've ever lived without either family or roommates. But I covet the times when I have the house to myself and I can run my life entirely on my terms, and I'm dying for a chance to try it in earnest, supporting myself completely. Even just imagining it makes me feel free and unstoppable.
3. rich
A girl can dream. And to be perfectly honest, I think even a relatively modest living wage would feel like riches to me now, after becoming accustomed to only $15k per year.
4. motivated
My mom tells me often that I'm lazy. I think there's a difference between lazy and unmotivated, and I am the latter. It's not that I just can't be bothered to make myself food or clean the whole house or exercise regularly, because sometimes I am good at these things. It's that I can't shake the feeling of it all being pointless. The effort doesn't seem to justify the result. There must be a way to fix this (and I do suspect that as my mental health improves, effort will start to feel less daunting). I want my flashes of productivity to be the status quo.
5. fit
I am a couch potato. This needs to change. I've always dreamed of being one of those gorgeous athletic girls that can wear a bikini like nobody's business. I hope I can make it happen.
6. flexible
When I added this to the list, what I was thinking of was muscle flexibility--that's a very weak point of mine, and should I ever get back into yoga, I have hopes that it will change. But I suppose temperamental flexibility is also a good goal to strive for.
7. brilliant
I know a lot of smart people, and I want to be one of them. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not, despite what they say. Maybe I'm just a good faker. Maybe I have lucky moments. I've got a good memory, a large vocabulary, and the ability to pick skills up relatively quickly, which probably lends some appearance of intelligence. But I'm naive and I'm gullible and I'm not good at thinking in depth or coming up with innovative ideas. I can't do math to save my life and politics strikes me as unapproachably convoluted. I don't know exactly whether this goal is an achievable one. I hope that with more education, eventually I'll get there; at the moment, that's the only idea I've got.
8. self-satisfied
I think my lack of self-esteem is the root of most of my issues. So much would be easier if I could only feel confident and content with who I am.
9. social
What I mean by this is more accurately "not so @#(*&%( anxious around other people anymore."
10. happy
Saved the most important for last. I was getting there, a while ago. I can get there again. This breakup has been a major setback for me, but happiness is out there. I can almost taste it.