(no subject)
it's been forever since i've updated this thing. i'm in a writing-ish mood for some reason. i guess maybe i'll give an update on what's going on in my life at the moment, since things have changed quite a bit... and i can't exactly seem to get in touch with people i thought were important to me anymore...
i switched degree programs. i was literally suicidal in game design. every single day i just hated life and hated going to school, trying to make something work that just wasn't. so i told my parents and they freaked out... which i was expecting. it was my own fault for waiting so long to realize how much i hated everything i was doing. i was pretty much crying for a couple of days straight until i started talking to my enrollment officer again and she calmed down both my parents and i, assuring them that i wasn't a complete retard for wanting to switch and giving up on everything i'd done. if i tried staying in game design, i would have failed out of the program, no doubt in my mind about that.
so now i'm going to be in digital arts and design... which has a lot of web design and a whole bunch of artsy-ish things that i'll be learning. we worked everything out and it's going to cost an additional $30,000 for me to switch degree programs, not including about two thirds of a year more rent. my parents aren't so happy about that so i'm going to have to pay for it with loans and i even started working at target, which stresses me out like crazy.
i have no time for fun at all, which has made me really depressed lately. i realized that i never really had a fun part of my life. i never really had friends that i hung out with A LOT in high school, like most people. i guess my parents are partly to blame for that, since i was never allowed to have anyone over because godforbid i'd mess up the house. i keep thinking about how i never just got to be a kid that had fun. i was always depressed because people made fun of me or working or whatever. even in college now, i have no time at all to party with people even just a little. between working and school, i'm just a walking zombie with no happiness anymore. it's sad. maybe that's why i had no motivation for anything in game design... just because i've been absolutely miserable.
it's going to be nine months with my boyfriend, stephen, this tuesday. he probably won't mention it. is it wrong that i often wonder what would have happened if i stayed in sayville with gavin? i love stephen, very, very much. there's a comfort with him unlike anything i've ever experienced. i've lived with him for at least the past eight months... i just keep feeling like something's missing. we got a puppy, i thoght maybe that would solve things, but i guess not. i love him so much and i know he loves me too... i just kinda wish he could show it a little better sometimes. because just knowing isn't always good enough. if that makes any sense. if it wasn't for stephen, i honestly have no idea where i'd be right now. he's literally been the only person i can say that's been there for me and supported me over the past few months.
i start classes on monday. art history this month. i hope my new class is fun. i hope i make friends that i don't lose touch with due to failure and changing-of-degree-programs. i still can't help but be filled with negativity about everything. i wish i could go back to how i was when i first came down here. i was so full of hope and promise... and now i'm just so unsure of everything, wondering what the hell i'm even doing on this planet.
i should have been an astronaut. i should have done something meaningful. i should have helped people. i shouldn't be so negative and nasty.
i miss my mom.... my whole family. i haven't seen them in months. i'm so lonely it hurts. i don't even know what to do anymore.
i switched degree programs. i was literally suicidal in game design. every single day i just hated life and hated going to school, trying to make something work that just wasn't. so i told my parents and they freaked out... which i was expecting. it was my own fault for waiting so long to realize how much i hated everything i was doing. i was pretty much crying for a couple of days straight until i started talking to my enrollment officer again and she calmed down both my parents and i, assuring them that i wasn't a complete retard for wanting to switch and giving up on everything i'd done. if i tried staying in game design, i would have failed out of the program, no doubt in my mind about that.
so now i'm going to be in digital arts and design... which has a lot of web design and a whole bunch of artsy-ish things that i'll be learning. we worked everything out and it's going to cost an additional $30,000 for me to switch degree programs, not including about two thirds of a year more rent. my parents aren't so happy about that so i'm going to have to pay for it with loans and i even started working at target, which stresses me out like crazy.
i have no time for fun at all, which has made me really depressed lately. i realized that i never really had a fun part of my life. i never really had friends that i hung out with A LOT in high school, like most people. i guess my parents are partly to blame for that, since i was never allowed to have anyone over because godforbid i'd mess up the house. i keep thinking about how i never just got to be a kid that had fun. i was always depressed because people made fun of me or working or whatever. even in college now, i have no time at all to party with people even just a little. between working and school, i'm just a walking zombie with no happiness anymore. it's sad. maybe that's why i had no motivation for anything in game design... just because i've been absolutely miserable.
it's going to be nine months with my boyfriend, stephen, this tuesday. he probably won't mention it. is it wrong that i often wonder what would have happened if i stayed in sayville with gavin? i love stephen, very, very much. there's a comfort with him unlike anything i've ever experienced. i've lived with him for at least the past eight months... i just keep feeling like something's missing. we got a puppy, i thoght maybe that would solve things, but i guess not. i love him so much and i know he loves me too... i just kinda wish he could show it a little better sometimes. because just knowing isn't always good enough. if that makes any sense. if it wasn't for stephen, i honestly have no idea where i'd be right now. he's literally been the only person i can say that's been there for me and supported me over the past few months.
i start classes on monday. art history this month. i hope my new class is fun. i hope i make friends that i don't lose touch with due to failure and changing-of-degree-programs. i still can't help but be filled with negativity about everything. i wish i could go back to how i was when i first came down here. i was so full of hope and promise... and now i'm just so unsure of everything, wondering what the hell i'm even doing on this planet.
i should have been an astronaut. i should have done something meaningful. i should have helped people. i shouldn't be so negative and nasty.
i miss my mom.... my whole family. i haven't seen them in months. i'm so lonely it hurts. i don't even know what to do anymore.