Various

[phoebebeast]

I still feel so down.   I did talk to the older two a bit about what was going on.  They were sad to hear it, despite hardly remembering my friend and her family (though they did come up to meet J just after he was born).  Have finally written to my friend's husband to ask if a visit would be welcome. I guess there are two ways to approach this:

Comments

[jollymiller]

So sorry to hear this (the sad bits). Is it someone I knew? I'm guessing not, by the babysitting comment? The fact is that 1 in 3 of us will be closely affected by cancer in our lifetime, and by that I understand either ourselves, parents, children, so not really even including the friends, like these you mention, that will suffer. All you can do, is to self-examine, go for your smears, keep an eye on your skin and see the doctor about anything odd in you menstrual cycle, bladder, bowel, stomach, etc.

As you know, a friend of ours has a 5 year old with a serious brain cancer. She's extremely unlikely to survive. Had she not been diagnosed (in June), and started treatment, she would have probably died by September. So she's already getting a bit longer, but at the price of receiving treatment that makes her very ill (the tumour itself doesn't). It's a huge dilemma for her parents, helped a little in that the child herself has said she wants to fight it, so they are. So, has our modern medicine actually helped by giving her longer, a slim chance, or is it dragging out the inevitable? Will her family (and us the wider community round her) cope better for having longer to adjust or what. I don't know. It just makes me incredibly sad that this happens to so many people. And yet the amazing thing is that so many people do live long lives.... just got to keep on looking on the bright side, and having hope. But every couple of weeks, I struggle just thinking what C and her family are going through. Hoping she is indeed one of the 6% to beat the odds.

Have you come across the kids' book Badger's Parting Gifts? A lovely book about remembering how someone who has died has affected us in a positive way. Goodbye Mog does too, though it includes the concept of Heaven which some people would rather not have.
(Been blunter here than I would be on FB, please don't refer!).

[phoebebeast]

No worries!

I don't think you've met this friend (she's in her early 50s), but I'm sure I've mentioned her in passing, though I can't remember in what context. Possibly in that her husband and mother are Scottish. Her daughter and I share a birthday.

I did look at C's page a while ago - what a cutie! How awful for her and her family. I think it's always hard to know what to do in situations like these. I'm assuming this is one of F's friends? How is F (and the rest of the class) dealing with it? C sounds very positive.

I think we actually read Goodbye Mog ages ago, but I may get it out again next week. Obviously, the kids have no clue about having pets put down. If they imagine Merlin dying at all, it would probably consist of an image of him asleep on the floor after a long period of deterioration. I imagine that M will be more upset than B.

[happytune]

I'd second Goodbye Mog, especially for J. B and M may need something a bit older. I've found this a useful site: http://www.humanism.org.uk/education/parents/books-for-bereaved-children

[jollymiller]

My kids aren't too bothered about C - in F's class but not a close friend. Her big sister is in E's class, in her 2nd tier of friends. Mostly they're just not at school. I don't know how they'll be if it ends the way it probably will - I think they'll be shocked as they don't really realise it could happen. E's friend B is really upset. But she's lost all her grandparents in the last 4 years, so I wonder if this makes the difference? Her mother is also a radigrapher, so cancer is possibly a more everyday subject in their house. Her mother, my friend with the same name as you, is finding it hard, as people, including C's parents ask her how it is, how the disease progresses, how the last days are. She's great at being practical and gently honest. And cries in private.

With pets, my girls have seen 3 cats die, and with all of them (2pts in old age, and one young one run over with only a cut nose) they have stroked and said goodbye before we boxed them up with some garden flowers and a blanket/towel and buried them under a fruit tree, with a funeral sheet for each, sang a song ("Peter Perkins" - about a cat's job being to lie in the sun). They were barely even sad - been interesting - as the older they are the more they feel obliged to act sad. I do think it's been "useful" to experience death with a pet before they've had to experience it with a human. I have explained I think to M about pts, but I'm not sure they've queried it. The 2 that were pts, well, we took them to the vet where they died, no questions beyond that. I presume D will take him - not easy - but the vets, they're used to having people in tears there, honest. I was in tears with the hen too.... (we haven't done funerals for hens as one happened when we were away, and the other was PM'd, didn't get her back).

Good luck, a hard couple of weeks for you all.