At last a marriage proposal I can trust...
Hello my fellow LJ readers (and the rest of you too)
Today I have found an ad that I have seen once or twice before. Every time I see this ad I am forced to think, "seriously?" But then I think, "Hey, maybe there's something to this." And that's when I realized that, yes, this is the man for me....
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Want to marry someone extremely ugly - 26
Hey I'm willing to offer a marriage proposal to someone who is ugly, hideous, etc. Most likely you have not been on a date in your life and have given up on romance. You have never experienced what sex feels like. You were crying for many years and cursing life for not being fair. Well here's your lucky chance that you were praying for (if you are a theist that is). I thought that I would do something wonderful for a good woman. I am totally serious.
I like rock music and look like I do. There are no age limits even if you are an "old maid". E-mail me if this interests you.
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Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I can't believe you wrote this letter and that *I* found it! (It's Kismet). I never thought there would be anyone out there that could be so giving and kind, let alone thoughtful. I hope that this letter will prove my sincere desire to be considered for your generous offer. I would hate to be denied the chance to be with someone like you because of a poorly written response. You sound like every woman's dream and I don't want to ruin my chances to tie myself to you for life. After all, who would want to marry a man that wanted to marry them for their personalities or attributes? You are wanting to marry a woman for her appearance, and it's a fact that every woman out there wants to be hitched to someone who only thinks about how she looks. I'm sure of it; I read it in Cosmo. Or Hustler, I can't remember. I hope the information I provide will be sufficient and that my questions aren't too invasive. I don't want to damage my chances for someone like you.
First off, how did you know I'd given up on romance? It's like you're psychic or something. (Like I said, Kismet). I don't quite fit the criteria of the whole "never had a date before," but I'm sure a few bad dates are okay. Who knew that men don't want to talk about how cute my cats are while we're having dinner? Or that I like to watch the six hour BBC version of Pride and Prejudice repeatedly while I sew outfits for my medieval reenactment group? You were also right in suggesting that I have cursed the universe for not being fair once or twice too. (Kismet). I mean, have you SEEN some of the television shows lately? Reality TV must have been created by the communists trying to destroy America. When did white-trash daughters of extremist political figures and divorced mothers of eight children become the subject of discussion? Who cares if they had a boob job or not?
You know, Mr. Wonderful, I feel so connected to you already. It's like I've known you my whole life. Like you saw into my SOUL. You knew that I have been crying for years. Did you hear my anguished sobs or something? I mean first of all, how can there be a choice between Edward and Jacob? And another thing, Vin Diesel never responded to my letters and my heart is broken! I don't understand what I wrote that was so wrong. I was honestly on the verge of joining a convent before I found your post. But then I saw your ad and I knew my prayers had been answered. (I guess that makes me a theist doesn't it?)
Before we get married though, I have to ask: how ugly are you looking for? Is this like an ugly fetish of yours? Do you have a thing for severe acne scars or extra digits or something? Or are you just looking for someone whose standards have dropped to the point of finding Flavor Flav attractive enough to fight over on national television? Because let me tell you, my standards are looooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. (I really hope you're unemployed and live in your mom's basement. SO hot). Also... you're looking for someone who's NEVER had sex? Do you *want* to have really boring intercourse? Or do you just want to seem like the most amazing sexual partner in the world? How about I just tell you I've never had sex? You'll believe it. I'm REALLY bad in bed. You can tell by watching me dance, it's like watching a baby giraffe take its first steps. And I am SURE that you will impress me, how could someone like you *not* be a stallion in bed? I mean, you *are* posting for a wife on Craigslist. Obviously you've just been too impressive for the women you meet in your day-to-day life to take seriously.
Speaking of serious, I'm glad you mentioned that you were. I am too. Let's meet at the courthouse. We can get married right there. Do you want me to wear a dress? Or maybe just a paper bag over my head. It will build up the anticipation for later on... if you know what I mean. Before I pick out my bag though, what did you mean when you said you "look like you do"? Could you look like anyone else? Are you implying that you could be a shape shifter? That is so hot.
Anyway, I'm running out of time for this whole "marriage" thing. Technically I AM an "old maid" (if we're going by victorian standards), and I'm glad you are okay with that. If I was a damsel in distress you would be the prince on a noble steed here to save me.
I'm looking forward to meeting you. You'll recognize me, I'll be the one with the club foot outside the court house wearing a Ralph's bag on my head and carrying a bouquet.
Love,
Phoebe
Today I have found an ad that I have seen once or twice before. Every time I see this ad I am forced to think, "seriously?" But then I think, "Hey, maybe there's something to this." And that's when I realized that, yes, this is the man for me....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Want to marry someone extremely ugly - 26
Hey I'm willing to offer a marriage proposal to someone who is ugly, hideous, etc. Most likely you have not been on a date in your life and have given up on romance. You have never experienced what sex feels like. You were crying for many years and cursing life for not being fair. Well here's your lucky chance that you were praying for (if you are a theist that is). I thought that I would do something wonderful for a good woman. I am totally serious.
I like rock music and look like I do. There are no age limits even if you are an "old maid". E-mail me if this interests you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I can't believe you wrote this letter and that *I* found it! (It's Kismet). I never thought there would be anyone out there that could be so giving and kind, let alone thoughtful. I hope that this letter will prove my sincere desire to be considered for your generous offer. I would hate to be denied the chance to be with someone like you because of a poorly written response. You sound like every woman's dream and I don't want to ruin my chances to tie myself to you for life. After all, who would want to marry a man that wanted to marry them for their personalities or attributes? You are wanting to marry a woman for her appearance, and it's a fact that every woman out there wants to be hitched to someone who only thinks about how she looks. I'm sure of it; I read it in Cosmo. Or Hustler, I can't remember. I hope the information I provide will be sufficient and that my questions aren't too invasive. I don't want to damage my chances for someone like you.
First off, how did you know I'd given up on romance? It's like you're psychic or something. (Like I said, Kismet). I don't quite fit the criteria of the whole "never had a date before," but I'm sure a few bad dates are okay. Who knew that men don't want to talk about how cute my cats are while we're having dinner? Or that I like to watch the six hour BBC version of Pride and Prejudice repeatedly while I sew outfits for my medieval reenactment group? You were also right in suggesting that I have cursed the universe for not being fair once or twice too. (Kismet). I mean, have you SEEN some of the television shows lately? Reality TV must have been created by the communists trying to destroy America. When did white-trash daughters of extremist political figures and divorced mothers of eight children become the subject of discussion? Who cares if they had a boob job or not?
You know, Mr. Wonderful, I feel so connected to you already. It's like I've known you my whole life. Like you saw into my SOUL. You knew that I have been crying for years. Did you hear my anguished sobs or something? I mean first of all, how can there be a choice between Edward and Jacob? And another thing, Vin Diesel never responded to my letters and my heart is broken! I don't understand what I wrote that was so wrong. I was honestly on the verge of joining a convent before I found your post. But then I saw your ad and I knew my prayers had been answered. (I guess that makes me a theist doesn't it?)
Before we get married though, I have to ask: how ugly are you looking for? Is this like an ugly fetish of yours? Do you have a thing for severe acne scars or extra digits or something? Or are you just looking for someone whose standards have dropped to the point of finding Flavor Flav attractive enough to fight over on national television? Because let me tell you, my standards are looooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. (I really hope you're unemployed and live in your mom's basement. SO hot). Also... you're looking for someone who's NEVER had sex? Do you *want* to have really boring intercourse? Or do you just want to seem like the most amazing sexual partner in the world? How about I just tell you I've never had sex? You'll believe it. I'm REALLY bad in bed. You can tell by watching me dance, it's like watching a baby giraffe take its first steps. And I am SURE that you will impress me, how could someone like you *not* be a stallion in bed? I mean, you *are* posting for a wife on Craigslist. Obviously you've just been too impressive for the women you meet in your day-to-day life to take seriously.
Speaking of serious, I'm glad you mentioned that you were. I am too. Let's meet at the courthouse. We can get married right there. Do you want me to wear a dress? Or maybe just a paper bag over my head. It will build up the anticipation for later on... if you know what I mean. Before I pick out my bag though, what did you mean when you said you "look like you do"? Could you look like anyone else? Are you implying that you could be a shape shifter? That is so hot.
Anyway, I'm running out of time for this whole "marriage" thing. Technically I AM an "old maid" (if we're going by victorian standards), and I'm glad you are okay with that. If I was a damsel in distress you would be the prince on a noble steed here to save me.
I'm looking forward to meeting you. You'll recognize me, I'll be the one with the club foot outside the court house wearing a Ralph's bag on my head and carrying a bouquet.
Love,
Phoebe