Looking For Younger GF

Nov 22, 2010 16:52

Good Morning LJ hivemind. I'm not sure if this is going to post correctly, my computer seems to make it incredibly difficult to post today. Oh well, hopefully this will work.

It is Monday, and after an epically crazy weekend with friends (damn evil, awesome roommate pouring her drinks into my cup with me not realizing it), and I now have far too much giggle energy to burn off. So, whatever shall I do with myself?

I know!

I'll look at CL personals! And look! I found one :D

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I'm good looking hard bod and horny as hell. Looking for a cute younger girl who likes sex and wants to date a more settled person who is secure in career and life. Not looking to have children. You must not be overweight. That will not do. If you like being adored and have flowers brought on a regular basis I would be the Guy. No spammers,hookers or website links. Pics please. I need a girlfriend but I'm not stupid.

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Where to start? This is a masterpiece. The punctuation! The descriptions. I'm swooning over my keyboard right now.

Dear Hard Bod,

I read your CL ad this morning with great interest. As I am a cute younger girl who likes to date more settled people who are secure in career and life, I found your ad quite intriguing and would like to learn more about you. Much more in fact.

I'm sure you're aware how we younger girls are looking for old men that are horny as hell that are "good looking and hard bod." As I am selective about the "not stupid" old men I allow into my life I do have a few questions for you. I know that older men are far more experienced in the ways of the world than I am; it would be hard not to be. After all, I am just a sweet young thing that is "not overweight" and is desperately looking forward to be being brought flowers regularly by my significantly older, horny-as-hell boyfriend. I am so impressed about how you are so secure in life that you don't have to use determiners in your sentences. That is hot. Unless you really meant that you are good looking hard bod. Is that your name? I pictured you as a Tom or Henry personally. But really, it is so sexy how you break the rules of sentence structure. I can't wait to see how you respond to my letter.

It was very comforting to me that you were not looking for hookers on Craigslist. You realize they had to take that section down because of women being murdered and all, right? Well, that and hooking being illegal and all. I would've had to have been very suspicious if you were looking for prostitutes online. You could've been one of those crazy men looking for a "massage" in a seedy hotel and I would've found myself chopped up into little bits and shipped off to the black market by now. Or the white slave trade. Ugh. I would be a HORRIBLE slave. Then again, I would obviously be a horrible hooker too as I'm just going to appease my love of sex with old men for a bouquet or two here and there. Oh and being adored, can't forget that.

Speaking of being adored: would that be my definition of adored or your definition of adored? I know that when I think of being adored I think of someone being emotionally available to me and caring about my feelings while doing nice things for me and telling me how fabulous I am. You know, the normal "adoring boyfriend" things. I'm thinking your version of adoration might be slightly different than mine. I mean, your version of quality time might involve you putting a picture of me me on "Hot or Not" and then weighing me while arranging for me to get my tubes tied in order to prevent those pesky pregnancy things. I know a couple gyn surgeons, I might be able to get you a good deal.

Those questions and comments aside, I think you sound fabulous. I can't wait for you to pick me as your girlfriend and write me sweet love notes that defy all rules of sentence construction. I know it's how you show what an independent thinker you are.

Right?

Anyway, I can't wait to hear back from you. Please let me know when I should pack my g-string and teddy bear to come over to be adored by you. Should I ask my boss to write you a Viagra prescription? Or do you prefer Cialis?

Sincerely,

Phoebe

aka 25 year old desperately looking to be objectified and sexually used by some nasty old man

craigs list

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