Mar 24, 2004 22:40
it seems i'm having one of those "mental breakdowns" that's been going around.
my classes are starting to become an issue, mainly my major - cs classes. i have a b, but it seems like the only reasin is becaue i have friends that i use as a fuckig crutch to hobble on to the net assignment. i couldn't do any of the work on my own, and it's starting to become more and more obvious to me. not to be outdone, my calculus grade hs decided that it'd like to remain in the f range for yet another test. i have one more test and a final to not fail or else i'll fail the course. simple as that.
my finances are shot straight to hell. i have less than $100 to last until summer. we'll see how that plays out.
kate and i had our first real fight today. it was over a minor issue, and we got over it, but it was still not a fun experience. people say that fights make relationships stronger. they are full of shit.
the most major problem that i have is that i have lost my best friend. i'm not sure how it happened. but eric has completely dropped me as a friend. there's no better way to describe it. we had no fight, no hostility, no dramatic argument - he just won't talk to me anymore. we take turns not spending the night in the room, all too often both ending up away. when we both happen to be in the room together, he wears headphones and i play ps2, or he plays ps2 and i'm on the computer. there's just no connection anymore. i'm not sure who's fault it is, but i'm not really interested in assigning blame. i just hurt.
in the last few months, i have lost my major, my religion, most of my friends, my best friend, and my father. it seems that kate and rachel are the only people i can turn to, but i don't want to burden them or become completely dependent on them. i'm just not sure what to do right now. and i have a lovely summer of solitude to look forward to, that will not help my all-too-frail ties to my friends.
i wish i had the tears to cry anymore.