(no subject)
(Many thanks to those of you who commented on my earlier post! It was nice to get some feedback on the strange interior that has been my headspace lately!)
After my first month on the eating plan (which is "Elemental You" or Eyou) I was given the task of doing a reflection. I had put it off until I would have time to do a pretty thorough job and then got derailed by an epic bout of my recurring depression. Fortunately, with medication these bouts of depression don't tend to last as long or get as bad as they used to--but when things get too stressful or conflicted they do crop up and can take my legs out from under me. When that happens I really go into survival mode and just focus on getting through each day. I am pretty sure that many of you on this list can relate in some way or another. So, yea. Best laid plans of mice and men...reflection got delayed.
Then the depressive episode got tangled up in an unfortunate communication cycle that also tends to go with some of my survival mode behavior--as I withdrew from checking in with the Eyou coach she tried to initiate contact and that made me feel stressed out and pressured. In my headspace I saw the contact as something I couldn't sustain rather than something that would help me cope. Anyway--the end result has been that I've had this emotional disconnect from the communication aspects of the program...
I'm trying to get back to a space where I connect enough to the program to continue it with the kind of wholehearted energy I had in the beginning. I love the way the eating part of the program works--I love that I haven't had flour or sugar in nearly 7 weeks. I love that I don't snack between meals anymore (and don't feel like I "need" to or even want to). I love that I don't spend my time worrying about when I get to eat again. It's great to be able to go out to eat and choose meals that I know are good for me and that I can be proud of eating (instead of feeling ashamed of myself every time I ate out). Giving up flour has been challenging in that it's not gluten that is the problem (so gluten-free options don't cut it) and there are times where finding a clean grain is a real pain in the ass. Sugar has been odd--I don't have much of a sweet tooth so I don't find myself missing sweets per se (although occasionally I find myself thinking about a particular dessert/treat with nostalgia); cutting out the incidental sugar has been more of the challenge--staying sugar free is complicated since so many things have sugar in them (e.g., salad dressings). The funniest thing is when I reach for the breath mint they bring with the check at the end of the meal and then hear that little voice in my head "stop that! you don't eat sugar!"
In the nearly 7 weeks I've been on plan I haven't been hungry. I haven't been cranky in the afternoons. I don't get those drops in my energy that used to plague me. Even with the depressive episode, overall I've been more energetic and more productive. I feel like I've been incredibly successful with the eating part of the plan. However, I worry that the rigidity of the plan (the assumption that all sugar will be eliminated seems to be the one that I just wrangle with--since I love salad dressing (and really don't like salad); the elimination of cheese because of the fat content frustrates me because I'm eating so low fat that sometimes I wonder if I'm getting enough and because I hate the taste of milk and cottage cheese, my only other dairy option is plain yogurt which just gets old...) is going to wear against my independent-control-issue barriers. Why it is that I can adjust to things like giving up pizza, fried foods, and even my beloved diet soda--but am agitated that I can't have salad dressing? How can I be quite comfortable passing up the bread basket at my favorite italian place but grind my teeth over not being able to have a Caesar salad? It's just a bit perverse (in my own head) and I am really trying to make sure that I don't end up backing my way into failure.
Of course, while the eating part is going great overall I've not been successful with is the communication aspect of the plan. The barrier I've let form (or have built) makes it seem weird to me to do my menu exercise each night and send it in--I know that my coach is willing to receive it, I trust that she's willing to hear from me and offer advice and help. But I'm still struggling with how I want to move past the tensions that built up during that depressive episode.
After the first month on the plan I lost 13 pounds and 42 inches. It felt effortless. This month I feel as if I've been managing my food in terms of what I'm NOT eating (I'm not eating flour and sugar) but I haven't been having all of my food each day and I know that that's not good. I'm not skipping meals because of calories--it's not that kind of thing. I've just been struggling with getting up in time for breakfast (another part of recovering from the depressive episode, my sleep schedule is all screwed up) and I've been falling asleep before my bedtime snack sometimes. My goal for the rest of this month is to just focus on getting back to having all of my food. And I'm trying to find a way through my own resistance-issues to be sure that I don't let something that my depression blew out of proportion end up getting in the way of a much longer-term project.
I may start posting more and more here about my ongoing eating issues. I can label entries as such so that folks can skip them if it's too much of the same old same old for y'all out there reading!
After my first month on the eating plan (which is "Elemental You" or Eyou) I was given the task of doing a reflection. I had put it off until I would have time to do a pretty thorough job and then got derailed by an epic bout of my recurring depression. Fortunately, with medication these bouts of depression don't tend to last as long or get as bad as they used to--but when things get too stressful or conflicted they do crop up and can take my legs out from under me. When that happens I really go into survival mode and just focus on getting through each day. I am pretty sure that many of you on this list can relate in some way or another. So, yea. Best laid plans of mice and men...reflection got delayed.
Then the depressive episode got tangled up in an unfortunate communication cycle that also tends to go with some of my survival mode behavior--as I withdrew from checking in with the Eyou coach she tried to initiate contact and that made me feel stressed out and pressured. In my headspace I saw the contact as something I couldn't sustain rather than something that would help me cope. Anyway--the end result has been that I've had this emotional disconnect from the communication aspects of the program...
I'm trying to get back to a space where I connect enough to the program to continue it with the kind of wholehearted energy I had in the beginning. I love the way the eating part of the program works--I love that I haven't had flour or sugar in nearly 7 weeks. I love that I don't snack between meals anymore (and don't feel like I "need" to or even want to). I love that I don't spend my time worrying about when I get to eat again. It's great to be able to go out to eat and choose meals that I know are good for me and that I can be proud of eating (instead of feeling ashamed of myself every time I ate out). Giving up flour has been challenging in that it's not gluten that is the problem (so gluten-free options don't cut it) and there are times where finding a clean grain is a real pain in the ass. Sugar has been odd--I don't have much of a sweet tooth so I don't find myself missing sweets per se (although occasionally I find myself thinking about a particular dessert/treat with nostalgia); cutting out the incidental sugar has been more of the challenge--staying sugar free is complicated since so many things have sugar in them (e.g., salad dressings). The funniest thing is when I reach for the breath mint they bring with the check at the end of the meal and then hear that little voice in my head "stop that! you don't eat sugar!"
In the nearly 7 weeks I've been on plan I haven't been hungry. I haven't been cranky in the afternoons. I don't get those drops in my energy that used to plague me. Even with the depressive episode, overall I've been more energetic and more productive. I feel like I've been incredibly successful with the eating part of the plan. However, I worry that the rigidity of the plan (the assumption that all sugar will be eliminated seems to be the one that I just wrangle with--since I love salad dressing (and really don't like salad); the elimination of cheese because of the fat content frustrates me because I'm eating so low fat that sometimes I wonder if I'm getting enough and because I hate the taste of milk and cottage cheese, my only other dairy option is plain yogurt which just gets old...) is going to wear against my independent-control-issue barriers. Why it is that I can adjust to things like giving up pizza, fried foods, and even my beloved diet soda--but am agitated that I can't have salad dressing? How can I be quite comfortable passing up the bread basket at my favorite italian place but grind my teeth over not being able to have a Caesar salad? It's just a bit perverse (in my own head) and I am really trying to make sure that I don't end up backing my way into failure.
Of course, while the eating part is going great overall I've not been successful with is the communication aspect of the plan. The barrier I've let form (or have built) makes it seem weird to me to do my menu exercise each night and send it in--I know that my coach is willing to receive it, I trust that she's willing to hear from me and offer advice and help. But I'm still struggling with how I want to move past the tensions that built up during that depressive episode.
After the first month on the plan I lost 13 pounds and 42 inches. It felt effortless. This month I feel as if I've been managing my food in terms of what I'm NOT eating (I'm not eating flour and sugar) but I haven't been having all of my food each day and I know that that's not good. I'm not skipping meals because of calories--it's not that kind of thing. I've just been struggling with getting up in time for breakfast (another part of recovering from the depressive episode, my sleep schedule is all screwed up) and I've been falling asleep before my bedtime snack sometimes. My goal for the rest of this month is to just focus on getting back to having all of my food. And I'm trying to find a way through my own resistance-issues to be sure that I don't let something that my depression blew out of proportion end up getting in the way of a much longer-term project.
I may start posting more and more here about my ongoing eating issues. I can label entries as such so that folks can skip them if it's too much of the same old same old for y'all out there reading!