there's a question mark hanging on the wall of my life.
i write tonight with the best of intentions. i want to say something worthwhile.
i was sitting outside, watching my candle burn. the flame moved as if dancing to some unheard beat. and i thought to myself: there are a lot of things that i wished i had done differently. my youth is quickly fleeting, only days left now, and i've made quite the mess to clean up. i wonder if all of my peers will also be spending their adulthood trying to make up for their wrongs, as i will be.
maybe this is because i went to oneonta today. i planted flowers at my uncle's and grandma's and great grandparents'. and i fell apart all over again. how many times must i cry for myself before i fully understand that they are in a better place? when will i learn to let go of my childish selfishness and simply be grateful that they were a part of my life? i wish that i could let go now. but i'm still hanging on, thinking about what it would be like to hug them and smile at them and make them proud.
make them proud. if they saw me today, they would not be proud. i guess that is what bothers me the most. they're looking down and saying with remorse, look what fred's little girl has become. my bad habits and mindsets are embarassing to me, even while i sit alone in a field of souls and stones. in the "real world" they are my secrets. a piece of me that i get to sheepishly hide. i reveal them to those i am closest to with a strange kind of pride. 'you know something about me that i refuse to show the world. and you know this because i love you too much to keep it to myself.' but it's still silly because somewhere inside of me i know that having such secrets does not make me more Alive.
i need to make changes. i can't keep living my lies and hiding my truths. so much time has passed, but i'm still dying inside. it's not fair to me or my parents or anyone who has tried to help me along the way. i apologize to you all now. i'm sorry for who i've become.
the flame is dying now. it might be time for bed. it's time to start a new direction. i wish an eyelash wish could undo the past. i don't know if i even believe in a fresh new start. i'll sleep on it and see what tomorrow brings.
i was sitting outside, watching my candle burn. the flame moved as if dancing to some unheard beat. and i thought to myself: there are a lot of things that i wished i had done differently. my youth is quickly fleeting, only days left now, and i've made quite the mess to clean up. i wonder if all of my peers will also be spending their adulthood trying to make up for their wrongs, as i will be.
maybe this is because i went to oneonta today. i planted flowers at my uncle's and grandma's and great grandparents'. and i fell apart all over again. how many times must i cry for myself before i fully understand that they are in a better place? when will i learn to let go of my childish selfishness and simply be grateful that they were a part of my life? i wish that i could let go now. but i'm still hanging on, thinking about what it would be like to hug them and smile at them and make them proud.
make them proud. if they saw me today, they would not be proud. i guess that is what bothers me the most. they're looking down and saying with remorse, look what fred's little girl has become. my bad habits and mindsets are embarassing to me, even while i sit alone in a field of souls and stones. in the "real world" they are my secrets. a piece of me that i get to sheepishly hide. i reveal them to those i am closest to with a strange kind of pride. 'you know something about me that i refuse to show the world. and you know this because i love you too much to keep it to myself.' but it's still silly because somewhere inside of me i know that having such secrets does not make me more Alive.
i need to make changes. i can't keep living my lies and hiding my truths. so much time has passed, but i'm still dying inside. it's not fair to me or my parents or anyone who has tried to help me along the way. i apologize to you all now. i'm sorry for who i've become.
the flame is dying now. it might be time for bed. it's time to start a new direction. i wish an eyelash wish could undo the past. i don't know if i even believe in a fresh new start. i'll sleep on it and see what tomorrow brings.