i hear she's a metalsmith, watch out!

[phishsweety]

so i'm re-naming "OASIS" henceforth it should be known as "DEATH"

it lost my schedual, and now i've lost my classes, and they're having to over-ride all of the classes i'm taking this semester...so monday classes start, and i wont be there most likely. so much for being ahead and starting this semester with a bang, seems like this time it'll start with thousands of catch-up assignments instead. piss.

so break went well. 7 days in aruba was kickin, but i had an equally fantastic time seeing new and old friends and even meeting a couple new people! go greenville! i deffinitly did not see everyone i wanted to see, but then again i was only in greenville for like 8 days and as much as it shocks me, i guess i have more than 8 friends there.

so i've never really hung out with lots of the kids i've been hanging out with each time i go home. high school seems so far in the past, and i've been thrilled to see how compleatly so many people have put the past where it belongs. Lots of the guys have matured 300% and that gives me hope. haha, oh yea. so i went on like 2 and a half dates over break, and they DID NOT WORK OUT, woah, i'm so glad i find joy in entertaining other people, beacuse that's what i felt like i was doing [ok katy, this is awkward, make him laugh] well, the right person is out there, and i wont have to play monkey to make everything fine around him. and speaking of that, i wrote something in aruba, a couple of my friends from uga and home read it, and definitly had opinions...so if you care enough to do so, i'd appreciate any feedback, so understand that i'm totally cool if you are just honest and dont care enough... ;-) i'm not sure i'd read this if it were someone else's, but i digress, just

so i am sitting out on our balcony thinking, looking into
the black of the ocean, just wondering about life. thinking
in tune with the waves, learning for the first time in my
life that "the soft sway of the palm trees" actually is a
sound. just thinking...and now finally settling on a
thought, I've picked up my laptop and begun...

The subject is cliche, but i plan on finding, through a
continuous stream of writing, that my thoughts on the
subject are not. If i find my thoughts to be cliche, i will
have found exactly what I'm setting out to disprove in my
life, with my life, even. This said, i am going to dive
right in. There are a couple of things i look for in guys,
is that so wrong? no, I'd say not. i understand that God
has created for me an exact match, and i am bent on finding
him. so from now on when people ask, "so Kate, are you
looking" my reply will change from, "no way man, whatever"
to "of course i am, aren't you?" by this i will mean, though,
that I'm looking for that one that has been made perfectly
for me...not one in general. it is a new approach I'm
taking, looking at the sea of males as if looking only for
one specific one. like wanting one of Elvis's original
motorcycles [excuse this example, i hate motorcycles almost
as much as i hate Elvis, so bear with me], there have been
millions made just like the one he drove, but baby, you've
got the serial number, and you're not even glancing at the
others, just rifling through, checking numbers. now the
ones that are the same make and model are tempting...of
course. but why waste my time when i see the serial numbers
not match up. in other words, I'm sick of settling. so my
serial number...what does it entail? plenty. i know what
I'm looking for but i keep settling for a few traits when i
want someone who will take me by such surprise that he'll
show me traits i never even knew i wanted/needed while
easily fulfilling the rest. stop settling danget, oh i will.

first and foremost I'm looking for a Christian, which may
seem obvious, but i do not mean that in the way that he
walked the isle at age 7, and since has lived in mediocrity,
never fulfilling his calling as a believer. too many are
like that, i know them, trust me, those are not what I'm
looking for. i know a few though, that seem to have it
figured out. they understand their purpose, and they are
living as to achieve it.

i want a male who is a natural leader, not bossy, not always
right, not overbearing, a NATURAL leader. someone that i
automatically feel like i WANT leading me. Strong in his
walk with Christ, someone willing and able to share that
with my relationship with Christ. I remember in the 11th
grade when the guy i was dating and i used to study God's
word together. man it may not have been the most heartfelt
study, but i cannot say that I have ever been more on track
than when we decided that we needed that in our
relationship. understanding that everything that goes on in
a relationship is known by God and is part of his plan and
ultimately his glory should be something that spurrs each
individual involved on to develop his personal relationship
with Christ above all else, and only then be pulled
together, and by only that. I hate the way that I've
buried that with formalities in the past, going to youth
group together, "talking church," I know when I'm being
real, and most importantly so does God, there is no need to
waste time on anything less.

I want someone open enough to be honest when he's not being
real, and to call me out when I'm not [because anyone that
knows me should be able to see when I'm not]. i need a guy
willing to accept the fact that I'm not always the most
optimistic of people, but that i throw in cynicism for the
sole purpose of hearing it disproved. i guess at heart I'm
an optimist, but i want to always be an optimist with an
argument, bada-bing bada-boom. moving on.

i need someone who takes away "the right thing to say." i
knoooooow the right thing to say in a relationship, and the
right times to have nothing to say, I'm not gonna lie. more
often than not, though, i am just doing it for the sake of a
relationship, something i deeply regret. but i need a guy
who takes all that away. who i don't even see in a normal
relationship pattern, so someone that makes me look at
everything fresh, start over, see a relationship as the two
individuals involved instead of the institution of a "dating
relationship." it all boils down to two people, reaching
for Christ, and crossing paths [and hopefully converging] on
the way up.

A point that CS Lewis makes clearly is that there is always
a basic standard. I try to compare guys with one another,
but in doing that I'm just testing to see which one of them
most closely aligns with a totally separate and ultimate
model: i need to make that model Christ.

alot I've said so far can be, and should be, applied to
friendships, but there is, of course, an attraction that i
must feel with the guy, a certain chemistry, one might say.
There are of course the traits that make me look shallow and
silly: usually, I'm attracted to musicians, not the kind in
symphony orchestras. guitar players/singers are my
weakness. usually he's somewhat athletic. always he's loved
the outdoors, exploring, and been spontaneous. always he's
been funny, and not just a little bit, like knock the wind
out of me funny. always he's been considerate, always he's
been intelligent [we will get to this later]. usually he's
been attentive, usually he's been relaxed, always he's been
a "cuddeler." always he's been respectable, always polite to
my family. ALWAYS he's loved my daddy. but there is me being
a bit shallow.

on a slightly different track there is something that i tend
to settle for not having in a relationship, and that is
something without a name. Spotenaity is the closest I've
come, but in reality that doesn't even scratch the surface,
attentive is close, uh, spontaneous bursts of extraordinary
attentiveness? OK, close enough. so i really don't know how
to explain this without just giving examples, so I'll get to
that in a second. First of all, most people don't know me
well enough to see this/ know this, but i love making
someone smile. its almost a selfish thing sometimes, it
just thrills me to no end to put a smile on someone's face.
most people only see me doing that in the form of sarcasm,
wit, whatever. but i really love doing it in ways that have
nothing (and almost the opposite) to do with those things
listed above. it takes a while for me to feel comfortable
enough with someone to start this, and often times it is
tested out a time or two before i feel completely
comfortable making this a habit with someone, but i love
making things for people. things they would never expect,
and doing things for people, surprises mainly, weird, this
is a really deep part of me not many know about...probably
not even you, who is reading this now. girls and guys alike,
but when its a guy I'm dating, that is the most fun. [im
going to go out on a limb here and say that I've only been
in two what i would consider "substantial" relationships so
far...possibly three, but for now we're sticking to two. one
in middle school/high school...a guy i started dating the
beginning of my 7th grade year, and broke up with the
beginning of my freshman year....and then a guy i started
dating the beginning of my sophomore year and broke up with
the beginning of my senior year. past those two I've had
lots of little short relationships. before you gasp, keep
in mind that I've really only been in relationships for a
best friend, and that most of my relationships have been
based solely on making each other laugh, I'm no slut here
kids, i just luuuuv a good laugh. but i digress.] back to
spontaneous bursts of extraordinary attentiveness. i love
making things that only the other person understands, or
something that will always remind them of something. i tell
you all of this to show only that any amount of this
reciprocated is what i have usually overlooked in a
relationship, and will no longer overlook, i mean come on, i
think i might just deserve this. sweet things that guys have
done for me stand out more in my memory than anything when i
look back on my technically "failed" relationships. a rose
and a handmade card taped to my locker on valentines day, a
burned mix CD made for me, a fruit and whipped cream "pie,"
scrap notes on my car, pictures, cheezy and cute poems,
songs, inside joke parafinalia (a daisy, a hand colored
rubber snake), random day cards with a few words scribbled
on notebook paper, tin foil hearts made on the spot, surprise
coffee, handmade jewelry ( I've dated an artist or two in my
day), surprise visits...just little stuff thrills me beyond
thinking straight for an entire day. considering the
numbers, which I'm NOT giving out for the sake of my pride,
we are looking at a grand 20% of the guys I've dated doing
that stuff. yea, a guy might be mortified if his friends
found out, but crap, I'm not going to tell them, so why
still try so hard to avoid sweetness if you see a spot for
it? it just shows a girl that she makes you happy beyond the
confines of a traditional dinnerandamovie relationship. its
not a weakness. i swear. it just adds garnish to the meat
and potatoes of a hearty relationship. all i know is that my
dad is that kind of guy, he loves doing surprise and
splendid things for his wife and family, so i know they're
out there. it helps to keep a spark alive in my house. so
yes, i do that stuff, and i know for a fact that the guy I'm
meant to spend the rest of my life with will do that stuff
too, and I'll be darned if that spark ever doesn't just light
up the sky. idealistic? maybe. a good goal, of course. and
i cant wait to do stuff like that for my husband because i
know that it will make him grin [a word that i find much
more descriptive than "smile"], and it overwhelms me to
think that one day I'll be in a relationship with someone
who will love the crappy, cheezy, well-meaning, small
gestures i make when he's least expecting it. until then,
I'm looking for the right guy to bestow that burden upon,
and for fun and smiles in the process bestowing that upon
everyone i get to know, i just hope he is doing the same. so
there's that, which i often overlook, 80% of the time as
stated above.

so with this in mind, i must say that I'm not so thrilled
with most of my past as it relates to guys. you see, it
seems that most all of my relationships have been
friendships that only in language were taken to the next
level. this next level was not so much felt by me much
past "man this guy makes me laugh a lot, and i would
consider him my best friend." too bad that led to
officially "dating" so many times, from now on I'm going to
just leave stuff alone, like i should have done all along so
many times. friends that are guys have always been a
special treasure to me, i find them intriguing, and i would
rather talk to most guys than most girls. as of right now
I'd say i have about 5 girls that i would seek out to talk
to about personal and serious stuff and about 13 guys that i
can think of off the top of my head that I've gone to with
personal stuff in just the last month or so. is that so
wrong? i think not, i just think that i see things in a
light much more compatible with a guys sight. so i guess i
need a guy who reminds me that i am a girl, often probably.
i like feeling like a little girl, protected and safe, even
though i come across as tough and strong, i like the
cuddling into someone big warm and comfy, and, well
whatever, i don't have to explain that.

so I'm also looking for a guy that respects me, but for me
that is different than most girls. I love having a good
time joking with people, and any guy that will give and take
in a battle of honing our wits is a winner to me. here's
the catch though, i must understand that beneath that lies a
much deeper respect and friendship base with me. It's
crappy and scary when those battles occur with nothing to
fall back on later, like a friendship. i have to know that
the guy is kidding or his brutal remarks will not keep from
penetrating my heart. So in that way i need a guy who knows
that the friendship and meaningful part of our relationship
is much more important than a good joke, and that the part
that needs to be emphasized is that over the joking. i
dated a guy in middle school and for the first few weeks of
our relationship we were both just brutal with our jokes.
even my mom noticed it and called me out. i apologized to
him and we talked about it, finally deciding to chill out
with those comments and work on being nicer to each other,
once we had developed that base we could go back to joking,
but the jokes were softer, we had developed a respect, a
mutual interest in the wellbeing of the other, and we were
much more comfortable as a couple, and fun was a lot more
relaxed from then on. so that's what i mean by respect, well
that and being responsive as the other member of a two
person relationship, but i think I've already been through
that jazz.

So as i mentioned before, I'm looking for intelligence. But
here's the thing, intelligence by my definition. Usually
that doesn't mean book smarts, though often that has been the
case as well. But intelligent as in, I'm looking for an
independent thinker. Common sense, as well as abstract
thinking. I love philosophy and theology and most of all
the mixture thereof. To be able to talk things through is
essential: ideals, politics, realities, faith, failures,
successes, what could be, and yes, those are all different
to me. Someone who's mind takes metaphors just too far
sometimes, but relishes the connections made. Someone who
isn't planning their response as I'm thinking, but listens
and responds to what is said. Someone who forwards the
conversation rather than repeating in different words,
cliches, or, worst of all, what I've just said. Someone who
understands that I've probably already thought through what
we're talking about so doesn't give canned and expected
answers, but instead searches for a new angle, a new
metaphor that will reveal a different aspect of the subject
at hand. Someone who offers his thoughts as ideas, not
facts. Someone who gives and takes, and who comes up with
thoughts that challenge me to give and take as well.
Intelligence comes in the form of interaction to me.

I've never once dated someone who wasn't better at
something/or smarter than me. And that will never change.
It is important to me that the person I marry has me in
constant awe of something about him that remains foreign to
me. In the past its been; intelligence, artistic abilities,
sports, wit, pretty much any musical instrument, and the
list goes on. This keeps me in check, and keeps me from
walking all over a person. Its sad to admit, but I'm
willing to be honest enough to admit that crappy part in me.
So sue me, I'm looking for something i don't have.

I'm looking for someone adventurous. Someone who will wake
me up at 7am on a Saturday morning, hand me a cup of coffee,
and say "get up Kate, we're going to hike a section of the
applacian trail this weekend and we're leaving in 15
minutes!" i mean someone who can let go of a schedule and
run away. Someone who is totally up for driving 4 hours one
Sunday afternoon to see an art exhibit. Someone who will
beach a fishing boat somewhere on the shores of lake
jocassee to play in a waterfall and "go exploring." Someone
who rolls the windows down and sings Greenday with me at the
top of his lungs in the car. Someone who can have a blast
spending an entire day beating back an abusive ocean.
Someone who will take swing dancing lessons with me and go
to concerts. Basically someone up for stepping out of his
routine or comfort zone and trying something new.

But in contrast I'm also looking for someone to relax with.
Someone that I'm not always pressured to talk around. A guy
I'm just as happy sitting in silence with as I am laughing
and joking. Someone that doesn't always have to be on the go
to be happy, that can just sit around the house on a
Saturday after a really hard week and read and watch movies
and cuddle and listen to/play music.

To be perfectly honest i want a guy excited more than ever
about the future, apprehensive maybe as well, but just
thrilled about his future- growing closer to God, to his
wife, having kids, loving life in general at all times. i
know times get hard, and that is understandable, but getting
through those times on top of his game is the best thing to
see in a guy, because i know that family life isn't perfect,
but i also know that it can be great, when that greatness
starts out the goal. thanks to pat conroy i see that view of
family through the eyes of a completely sardonic male with
tendencies toward greatness and a sickly impressive ability
to push greatness as far away from himself as possible, and
turn the blame to his surroundings and other things
he "cannot help." the mentality that i never want to see in
a person that i am going to marry is that of tom wingo. i
mean, in Christ no one's life is a parabola, if not
exponential growth there is at least a steady slope up as
long as his life goal is to grow in Christ (nerdy enough for
ya? Personally, I'm not at all secure with leaving that
sentence in, so i guess we're even). The best of times the
worst of times are all growing times in the hands and heart
of Christ, so as long as that's the one thing that one's
heart is set on, each and every believer is set for things
only getting better, even if that better has to have quotes
around it. i need a guy who sees life like that. mediocrity
is granted to no one, but is achieved by those who strive
hard after it. even tom wingo saw that. even he saw the
greatness he was handed at times, recognizing much after
that he consciously turned the other direction and ran hard
after mediocrity. no guy that I'm married to could ever find
his life mediocre if he truly loves me, because he'll
understand, just as i will understand of him, what a
precious relationship we have, and see how that in itself is
extraordinary, and nowhere in extraordinary can there be
mediocrity dwelling.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that i know God has someone
incredible out there for most every person he creates. To
think that God created me with my husband in mind, is
something that I have a hard time getting my arms around.
All of this said, there is no doubt in my mind that I'll
still be shocked when i find him.....

eh past that, i'm super excited about being back at school, man do i love it here...does that make me rediculous, [katy, its school you MORON], but i cant help myself. well i'm off to shower and cause some trouble, well, most likely go to bed beacuse i'm sleepy, today has been a trip!