blabbering to make me feel better
Well, here I am on the computer and listening to "Kid A" again.
At first listen it sounds depressing, but it actually makes me feel
better, keeps me sane in a way.
I wonder if we're due for rain? It looks dark outside - oh, there's the sun again.
I want coffee and weed but I really shouldn't. I wish I did not want what I haven't got.
Oh! "Idioteque". My second favorite song from this spectacular album. It's just perfectly crafted, it seems to me.
Is anyone reading, is anyone enjoying reading my random babble? I guess it matters not, I write here for my sanity and not for approval. I do enjoy the few comments I get though. Sometimes I look back and see how much better or worse I was back then. I think I've been writing here inconsistently for about a year. There are gaps, yes. But I do enjoy it here. I especially liked having the paid membership with all the little perks and customization options. That was fun, but I can't justify the expense now. We are po'.
Maclean says don't worry, we'll get by. But is he lying to me AND himself? How does he know? How can he be so sure? I don't understand how his mind works, but I wish mine worked that way. HE'S not on four different psychoactive medications. HE doesn't have days where he cries all day. HE doesn't lose jobs due to panic. HE doesn't hide from life by sleeping. What is different about his brain that makes him okay and me a mess? Pshh...I need a lobotomy, or a brain transplant.
I have to take my medication in the morning when I get up. But every day, 1 hour after my medication, I throw up. What is making me sick? It's not coffee, I had none before I threw up today. It's got to be my medication. It happens on an empty or full stomach. I hate it, because I don't think I'm getting enough of my medicine absorbed. Maclean says he thinks it's absorbed in a 1/2 hour, but I dunno. I think I need more "time alone" with the medicine so it can get into my system. Why else would I be having mood swings on this much lithium? It didn't start right after I started the lithium, it was about a week after that I started this. I only threw up once on vacation, but since then it's been every morning. At least I was saved from that embarrassment (mostly) during vacation.
Rob just called. He's off of work and he wants to come over. I don't really want him to right now, so he's going to call in an hour. There's more to do here if he's not around. If he's here I feel like I have to keep him entertained. Plus, he probably wants weed, which I don't have. Maclean has some but he's hidden it from me. I'm trying to quit and it sucks. I don't want to quit, I have to quit. For the baby, and for my depression. It can't be helping my depression, and it only sometimes helps my anxiety. Most times it makes my anxiety worse.
I guess I'm done here. Maybe I'll work on my website. If anyone reads this and is interested, it's at: http://www.geocities.com/honeygrrl1978
I wonder if we're due for rain? It looks dark outside - oh, there's the sun again.
I want coffee and weed but I really shouldn't. I wish I did not want what I haven't got.
Oh! "Idioteque". My second favorite song from this spectacular album. It's just perfectly crafted, it seems to me.
Is anyone reading, is anyone enjoying reading my random babble? I guess it matters not, I write here for my sanity and not for approval. I do enjoy the few comments I get though. Sometimes I look back and see how much better or worse I was back then. I think I've been writing here inconsistently for about a year. There are gaps, yes. But I do enjoy it here. I especially liked having the paid membership with all the little perks and customization options. That was fun, but I can't justify the expense now. We are po'.
Maclean says don't worry, we'll get by. But is he lying to me AND himself? How does he know? How can he be so sure? I don't understand how his mind works, but I wish mine worked that way. HE'S not on four different psychoactive medications. HE doesn't have days where he cries all day. HE doesn't lose jobs due to panic. HE doesn't hide from life by sleeping. What is different about his brain that makes him okay and me a mess? Pshh...I need a lobotomy, or a brain transplant.
I have to take my medication in the morning when I get up. But every day, 1 hour after my medication, I throw up. What is making me sick? It's not coffee, I had none before I threw up today. It's got to be my medication. It happens on an empty or full stomach. I hate it, because I don't think I'm getting enough of my medicine absorbed. Maclean says he thinks it's absorbed in a 1/2 hour, but I dunno. I think I need more "time alone" with the medicine so it can get into my system. Why else would I be having mood swings on this much lithium? It didn't start right after I started the lithium, it was about a week after that I started this. I only threw up once on vacation, but since then it's been every morning. At least I was saved from that embarrassment (mostly) during vacation.
Rob just called. He's off of work and he wants to come over. I don't really want him to right now, so he's going to call in an hour. There's more to do here if he's not around. If he's here I feel like I have to keep him entertained. Plus, he probably wants weed, which I don't have. Maclean has some but he's hidden it from me. I'm trying to quit and it sucks. I don't want to quit, I have to quit. For the baby, and for my depression. It can't be helping my depression, and it only sometimes helps my anxiety. Most times it makes my anxiety worse.
I guess I'm done here. Maybe I'll work on my website. If anyone reads this and is interested, it's at: http://www.geocities.com/honeygrrl1978