Tired/Wired/Worried
For a split second I wondered how I could feel so tired and so wired at the same time. Then I remembered thats what it feels like for me to be bipolar in the summer. How quickly one forgets. Its like when you get strep throat, its always worse than you remembered it. People dont seem to remember pain well. I always forget that when I get wired like this nothing good comes of it. I think this is why I want to keep to myself. Liking people in a way that is beyond friendship is destructive for me. When I receive attention from that person my brain goes haywire. I make poor decisions and end up needing to take pills to slow myself back down. People tell me I'd be happy if I had a relationship. I think they're wrong. I think it would make my life extremely difficult. All those extra feelings would be impossible to control. I was out shopping and saw diamond rings in a jewelry counter. I thought to myself, I should buy one of those and then men would think I was engaged and leave me alone. Not that I have to worry about that anyway. I just felt like that would make me safe. I also thought about how I would be the only person that would ever buy me something like that. Sometimes Im not sure what is more difficult, being alone or being with someone else.
I actually dont have to worry about being with someone else. The only person I really have feelings for is engaged to another girl. I've liked him since I was 18. He comes in and out of my life. Im not sure why he is even in my life still. We are very different. I think the only reason I like him so much is because he makes me feel safe. Men scare me, but he makes me feel safe, like he wouldnt ever hurt me, like he cares about me. I need to give it up. I need to stay away from him. I wont, but I should. He is the only guy that puts his arms around me, even if its only every few months. I wish I knew why. I wish I could understand why someone keeps coming back to me but is with someone else. My heart races when hes around. I wish I could slow down.
So, Im tired and Im racing. Im scared Im going to go on an upswing. I make PLDs when Im on upswings. The only benefit is that I usually lose some weight, which would be nice. Sometimes I get really tired of being crazy. The doctor said Im not supposed to call myself crazy anymore, but I kind of identify with it. Anyway, thats all I have to say about that.
I sure wish I could make up my mind.
I actually dont have to worry about being with someone else. The only person I really have feelings for is engaged to another girl. I've liked him since I was 18. He comes in and out of my life. Im not sure why he is even in my life still. We are very different. I think the only reason I like him so much is because he makes me feel safe. Men scare me, but he makes me feel safe, like he wouldnt ever hurt me, like he cares about me. I need to give it up. I need to stay away from him. I wont, but I should. He is the only guy that puts his arms around me, even if its only every few months. I wish I knew why. I wish I could understand why someone keeps coming back to me but is with someone else. My heart races when hes around. I wish I could slow down.
So, Im tired and Im racing. Im scared Im going to go on an upswing. I make PLDs when Im on upswings. The only benefit is that I usually lose some weight, which would be nice. Sometimes I get really tired of being crazy. The doctor said Im not supposed to call myself crazy anymore, but I kind of identify with it. Anyway, thats all I have to say about that.
I sure wish I could make up my mind.