Exhibit B005
I woke up angry at the world today. There's no explanation. Maybe a bad dream. Maybe it's because it's the first day of classes after break. Maybe I'm just tired of waking up to the same day. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe. I have no idea.
I'm angry for no reason at all.
I rolled out of bed, only to realize I would have to wait five minutes for a cup of coffee. Five minutes. No big deal. Just a stupid mistake, I set the timer wrong. It should have been ready for me, but instead I would have to wait five minutes. It's the little details that get me. Ideas, I have. I can do big things. I can think of the little things, but I forget a lot. I have to write down every little thing. I have no memory for them.
I'm angry because I'm detail oriented and I can't remember the details.
Then I sat down at my computer. Trash in my inbox. Not even spam. Just trash. People bitching. People asking for favors. People asking for help. And I want to help them, I do. But dammit, sometimes I need time to myself, too. Sometimes I don't want to be the one in control. But everytime I force someone else do it, I feel like I've let them down. People who volunteer are my saving grace. It rarely happens. Anger.
I'm angry because I'm in control and I don't always want to be.
She pops into my head. Fuck. I haven't thought about you for a long time. Rather, I don't think about you like that. I spoke to you on the phone last week. I talk to you all the time. But you don't get into my head. Why now? I can't stop it. Coffee's done. I'll have some coffee. I sip it and think about this time, and that time, and the times that might have been. And I love it. I love thinking about those times but I want it to stop. I spend all day working towards my future and all I want is to go back to the past. I sip my coffee thinking about the paradox that I live. I can't figure out how to make the two work together.
I'm angry because I'm stuck in the past and stuck in the future at the same time.
I'm angry because there is no here and now.
More email, more lists, more work, more coffee. No more girl stuck in my head. She's gone, and I'm depressed because she's the only girl I have to think about right now. And now I know what made me think of her. I need an escape. She helped me to escape back then and that's what I need right now. I need a release from the email, from the lists, from the work, from the coffee. I need someone but I don't know what I'm looking for. It's abstract. Nothing is right and I don't even know where to begin. I've built myself from the ground up on the principle that I need no one but myself; being involved with others is a luxury and not a necessity. I don't build relationships - they happen. And it just doesn't work for me anymore. Email. Lists. Work. Coffee. Too late now, there's no time to learn.
I'm angry because I'm in need and being needy isn't part of my character.
I'm angry because I've built myself into a knot of emotions that I've never learned to express.
And now I can't focus on anything. My eyes go blurry everytime I stare at something. I stare off into space. I can't focus. I go to pick things up and just knock them over. I go to write and forget what I was writing. I read something and never understand a word. I waste a lot of time, sitting, thinking. No more coffee. No more girl. All I have are papers and problem sets. Books and email. I've got an erection that I have no desire to do anything with. I do some pushups. It doesn't help. I just get angrier.
I'm angry because the control I pretend I have is a fallacy.
Time for class. Time to play the game. Time to do it because I have to. Why? For what reason? Because I have to. I have to. I want to. I just don't know why. I gather my stuff and leave, only to return because I want another cup of coffee and there's still some in the coffeemaker. I spill some. I can't focus. I leave again. I have to come back and grab a book I've forgotten. Details. I can never remember the details. I leave, but have to come back. I need a folder so that I can plan for a meeting. Control. I hate control. I leave again, and come back. I've forgotten to comb my hair. It sticks up. It looks horrible. Nothing new, but for some reason today I want to be perfect. It's just not going to happen. Anger. I can't believe that I think that my hair is what will get me the girl, and I think that maybe that's the first thing I'll work on while I rebuild myself. I leave again. Dammit. Where am I going? I have to come back and grab my schedule. I'm late. The class isn't all that important. But I can't think of what we are doing. Unfocused.
I've just relived my entire morning in five minutes of trying to leave the house. Everything that makes me angry repeats every five minutes.
I'm angry because I'm angry and now I know why.
Bookbag down. Coffee poured out. Shoes off. Hair messed up. Books away. Computer shut down.
Girl in my head.
I went back to bed.
I'm angry for no reason at all.
I rolled out of bed, only to realize I would have to wait five minutes for a cup of coffee. Five minutes. No big deal. Just a stupid mistake, I set the timer wrong. It should have been ready for me, but instead I would have to wait five minutes. It's the little details that get me. Ideas, I have. I can do big things. I can think of the little things, but I forget a lot. I have to write down every little thing. I have no memory for them.
I'm angry because I'm detail oriented and I can't remember the details.
Then I sat down at my computer. Trash in my inbox. Not even spam. Just trash. People bitching. People asking for favors. People asking for help. And I want to help them, I do. But dammit, sometimes I need time to myself, too. Sometimes I don't want to be the one in control. But everytime I force someone else do it, I feel like I've let them down. People who volunteer are my saving grace. It rarely happens. Anger.
I'm angry because I'm in control and I don't always want to be.
She pops into my head. Fuck. I haven't thought about you for a long time. Rather, I don't think about you like that. I spoke to you on the phone last week. I talk to you all the time. But you don't get into my head. Why now? I can't stop it. Coffee's done. I'll have some coffee. I sip it and think about this time, and that time, and the times that might have been. And I love it. I love thinking about those times but I want it to stop. I spend all day working towards my future and all I want is to go back to the past. I sip my coffee thinking about the paradox that I live. I can't figure out how to make the two work together.
I'm angry because I'm stuck in the past and stuck in the future at the same time.
I'm angry because there is no here and now.
More email, more lists, more work, more coffee. No more girl stuck in my head. She's gone, and I'm depressed because she's the only girl I have to think about right now. And now I know what made me think of her. I need an escape. She helped me to escape back then and that's what I need right now. I need a release from the email, from the lists, from the work, from the coffee. I need someone but I don't know what I'm looking for. It's abstract. Nothing is right and I don't even know where to begin. I've built myself from the ground up on the principle that I need no one but myself; being involved with others is a luxury and not a necessity. I don't build relationships - they happen. And it just doesn't work for me anymore. Email. Lists. Work. Coffee. Too late now, there's no time to learn.
I'm angry because I'm in need and being needy isn't part of my character.
I'm angry because I've built myself into a knot of emotions that I've never learned to express.
And now I can't focus on anything. My eyes go blurry everytime I stare at something. I stare off into space. I can't focus. I go to pick things up and just knock them over. I go to write and forget what I was writing. I read something and never understand a word. I waste a lot of time, sitting, thinking. No more coffee. No more girl. All I have are papers and problem sets. Books and email. I've got an erection that I have no desire to do anything with. I do some pushups. It doesn't help. I just get angrier.
I'm angry because the control I pretend I have is a fallacy.
Time for class. Time to play the game. Time to do it because I have to. Why? For what reason? Because I have to. I have to. I want to. I just don't know why. I gather my stuff and leave, only to return because I want another cup of coffee and there's still some in the coffeemaker. I spill some. I can't focus. I leave again. I have to come back and grab a book I've forgotten. Details. I can never remember the details. I leave, but have to come back. I need a folder so that I can plan for a meeting. Control. I hate control. I leave again, and come back. I've forgotten to comb my hair. It sticks up. It looks horrible. Nothing new, but for some reason today I want to be perfect. It's just not going to happen. Anger. I can't believe that I think that my hair is what will get me the girl, and I think that maybe that's the first thing I'll work on while I rebuild myself. I leave again. Dammit. Where am I going? I have to come back and grab my schedule. I'm late. The class isn't all that important. But I can't think of what we are doing. Unfocused.
I've just relived my entire morning in five minutes of trying to leave the house. Everything that makes me angry repeats every five minutes.
I'm angry because I'm angry and now I know why.
Bookbag down. Coffee poured out. Shoes off. Hair messed up. Books away. Computer shut down.
Girl in my head.
I went back to bed.