cloud cover with sunny breaks
my wrists hurt a lot today and my fingers are swelling far more than usual and are exceedingly hard to bend. definitely not as bad as some nights, for pain - but not all that good either. the weather is doing weird and wacky changes at the moment and it's killing me.
Slept in more than i wanted to (in fairness, i really hate sleeping in at all). feel better as a result. still hate sleeping in. my body and mind are generally at war: i want to get up early and be productive and do things that i can look back on and be pleased with, it likes sleeping in and lying around reading books and watching movies and doing crossword puzzles, which i guess is okay, but it doesn't help when you look back on the day and realize you've basically done nothing with it. this sort of thing is what makes me despair over getting/holding down an actual job; my sleep schedule is a mess and it only takes one bad pain night to set it into a tailspin.
*sigh*
i'm much harder on myself than i am on pretty much anyone else. i almost wish i didn't agree with linda hirschman's ideas of women keeping their skills up/holding down jobs to be financially independent. guilt is heavy and it's really hard to put down and i have a dozen paranoias that revolve around working/not working, the way other people view me (which i hate, because i don't want to think about how people that don't count view me, and i intellectually know that i'm a lot more than a bit that gets flipped over working/not working ... eh. I'm sorry I'm complaining again. It's been a rough couple of days.
i got a letter from my insurance about the wheelchair saying that they may need more information from the provider as to why i need it. i know it's covered. i'm irrationally scared they won't pay it and then i'm going to have to pay nearly seven grand out of pocket.
rationally i know this is wrong, too. it bothers me that i can't convince myself.
happier things:
yesterday i found a really great coffee shop that's much less crowded than vivace and makes amazing crepes. i had a latte and a lovely crepe with lemon and sugar, filled with strawberries and topped with whipped cream, and i got change back from a ten. i also found a little movie theater basically at the end of our street.
i found the library last week; it's a really nice library and only two or three blocks.
i've been getting some wonderful mail love this week, from adularia and benjimmy. *squeezes both of them* <3
i have many amazing friends. how are you all?
jane_hidell's cat came back! i'm really happy about that. <3
i have a really good view at the end of the block.
(that is the space needle if you don't know.)