(no subject)
i'm beginning to realize, more and more, that i have almost nothing of substance or intelligence to communicate anymore, and it really sucks. in high school i think that i had found a good balance between philosophy and basic intelligence while at the same time "keeping it real" for lack of a better phrase. what i mean is that i had smart things to say and could sound smart saying them without sounding like a snob or a pretentious intellectual. i'm realizing now that that basic intelligence is still there, in one form or another, but the philosophy and ability to verbalize that are fading quickly. i dropped my english class today because i had absolutely nothing thoughtful to say in there about anything we'd read, and it made me really upset. everything i contributed seemed a bit warmed over to me, whether someone had brought it up yet or not.
i'm not sure if this is a sign of a major change in my personality that college and my classes have taught me, or if it's something bigger, more important and more disturbing. i don't feel like i'm getting dumber - in fact, i feel quite the opposite. but at the same time, unless someone sparks a conversation with me about something that i'm intensely interested in, most of the things that i say are garbage with no real redeeming qualities except for humor. i'm not sure if i should be worried and try to do something and, if i should, how i would go about changing it. i guess i just need to examine myself a little bit closer and see how it is that i want to come across to people - as the clown or as the intellectual. sadly, i think i'm leaning toward clown...
i'm not sure if this is a sign of a major change in my personality that college and my classes have taught me, or if it's something bigger, more important and more disturbing. i don't feel like i'm getting dumber - in fact, i feel quite the opposite. but at the same time, unless someone sparks a conversation with me about something that i'm intensely interested in, most of the things that i say are garbage with no real redeeming qualities except for humor. i'm not sure if i should be worried and try to do something and, if i should, how i would go about changing it. i guess i just need to examine myself a little bit closer and see how it is that i want to come across to people - as the clown or as the intellectual. sadly, i think i'm leaning toward clown...